ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

 

This month brings a visit to the emergency room when you practically cut your thumb off trying to slice a breakfast bagel for your new love. Now's your chance to find out what he's made of! Is he supportive and gentle? Is he a take-charge guy who knows where the nearest hospital is? Or does he say, "thanks, I'll take it to go" and leaves with your jar of peanut butter? These are the moments that make or break a relationship. If you suspect he's the type that faints at a little spurting blood, you might want to keep some hemoglobin in your cookie jar just in case.

 

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)

 

The stock market is making some wild swings these days but that's nothing next to the month you have in store for you. You'll be up, you'll be down, you'll be giggling hysterically one day and weeping the next, you'll be divesting your hedge fund holdings and decreasing your position in sub-prime mortgages. Don't fret too much about things you can't control: that's what your therapist is for. Make sure you have half your money in bonds and a high yield savings account… oh, it's all in stocks? Then your best bet is to up the dosage of your anti-depressant and forget about next year's trip to that Yoga retreat.

 

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)

 

A wedding is in your future! Not yours unfortunately, but a friend whose taste, both in clothing and men, you find questionable. She's apparently trying to raise money for her honeymoon in Fiji by inviting everyone on her email list and has actually put "checks (from local banks with ID) accepted" on the invitation. It's also apparent that she's trying to get you back for some offense because she's asked you to be a bridesmaid. The $366.00 bridesmaid dresses make Bjork's Oscar outfit seem conservative and the little hats she wants you all to wear look like Chia pets with mange. Be grateful: at least you can be sure that none of those weirdo groomsmen is going to ask you to dance.

 

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)

 

You're back to work this month and get ready for some big changes.

 

First off, they moved the office and didn't give you the new address. But the private detective you hired to spy on your husband will be more than happy to take an extra $50 to find where they've gone, so no worries. The bigger issue is the fact that your old desk has somebody else's nameplate on it, and that "somebody" is actually going through your filing cabinet and throwing the 52 In Style magazines you'd carefully filed in your "to do" folder into the recycling bin! This will cause your most highly developed negotiation skills to unravel. It might be time to make a visit to your boss's office and apologize for those silly accusations you made at the office wrap party in June. Just in case, it never hurts to update your resume.

 

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)

 

Fall is rapidly approaching and there's no better time to update your autumn wardrobe. The boots you bought last year are still cute but you bought them last year after all, and this is this year: the same boots now have a buckle on them that, according to "People" magazine, you just "can't live without". This you take as gospel and head out to Saks even though your husband and children have been without new clothes since 2002. Initially this might put a strain on your marriage, but a pair of garters and a black bustier can smooth over almost every marital conflict.

 

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)

 

Your birthday is coming up (or past, how would we know?), and you're planning a big party for all your friends. Last year's bash was a real let-down when your guests actually took the "no gifts" on the invitation seriously. Don't make the same mistake this year! Make sure the invitation says: "If your gift is too big for the elevator, please leave it in the first floor coat check." That way, you can save your friends the embarrassment of your uncontrollable blubbering when they show up empty handed.

 

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)

 

Summer's over and it's back to work and that co-worker of yours who's always complaining about not having money just bought a fully loaded Lexus. What the hell does she make, you wonder, and how does it compare to my salary? Comparing yourself to someone else is fruitless, especially if they lock their paycheck in their middle drawer and always carry the key. It's not important how much a person makes, unless of course you want to know what you're worth. Maybe Patty in accounting knows something. Doesn't she like those glazed Dunkin' Donuts?

 

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)

 

Jupiter has aligned with Venus and you know what that means: Macy's is having a 50% off sale! Now's the time to up the credit limit on your VISA and head to midtown where the stars predict you will find something special and perfect if you can just rip it out of the hands of that skinny bitch who says she saw it first. When the two of you tumble over to the cash register, still both holding onto that perfect pink cardigan, you realize the woman is Courtney Love who is not above drawing a weapon to get a cute outfit, and the three seams you've torn apart just make it more perfect for her. Take a deep breath and let it go. But just for fun, let it go right when she's really pulling on it and see if she does a backwards somersault like she used to do in her stage act. Who says the end of summer isn't fun?

 

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)

 

Is it just you or does that website dating service only seem to pair you up with 55 year old divorcees who used to do stand-up in the Poconos? Maybe you don't have the "sense of humor" you imagine everyone wants in a partner but are in fact a sour, bitter spinster. Maybe you should put that in your profile and see if all the really cute guys respond. Yes, the ticket is really to be honest and tell them that in fact those long walks on the beach you mentioned are only appealing to you if you have a metal detector; that you far prefer to guzzle Scope mouthwash while cooking dinner than a "fine wine", and that in fact "going out to dinner" for you is seeing if there's anything left in the pizza box that your neighbors threw away. Your perfect match is just a "wink" away!

 

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)

 

The 5th and the 25th are the best days to get packages mailed at your local post-office because those are the days that your local branch features special "let's really do some work and stop lounging around behind our postal meters pretending to count our change but really discussing our cheating husbands" day. On the 18th the moon hovers over the facility and you find that there are only 41 frustrated women with their periods in line, rather than the 60 you've come to expect, and with Saturn's influence over your sign this month, the post-office personnel actually will make eye-contact with you, especially if your package contains explosives. Whatever you do, do NOT go to the post-office on the 26th, mainly because that's a Sunday and it will be closed.

 

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)

 

This month will start off with a series of really hilarious mix-ups when your email server decides to send every email you write, to the person on your email list AFTER the person you really meant to send it to, meaning that the chain of gossip you initiated about your friend that's having the affair with her doorman gets sent TO that friend, and the email you sent denying that you sent the first email goes to your boss, and the email dissing your boss goes to the people to whom you were sending your resume looking for a new job. It will be a wacky few days until the server crashes completely when the folks at PETA somehow decide that you are in fact Michael Vick and start spamming you. On the bright side, your contract gets picked up by Rupert Murdoch and you find you have a new job calling games for the NFL.

 

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)

 

Romance is on its way to you on gossamer wings, or at least in a Honda Civic. He's the one you've been waiting for - the guy who has it all: Good looks (well, he's not actually ugly), charm (some knock-knock jokes you've never heard), hair (most of it) and a vocabulary larger than that of Koko the Talking Gorilla. If you think you're settling, you're right, because what is life for, if not to give up and just take someone, anyone, in fact, who is willing to listen to you complain about your hair cut and to sit through those Jane Austen films they keep churning out. If he won't spring for dinner, or a movie, or even a cup of coffee at a street vendor, and he sleeps with his socks on, well that's just the compromise you have to make if you ever want to have a family. Otherwise, you'll just have to purchase one later at your local fertility clinic.

 

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own)

 

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)

 

There's a chill in the air and it's apparently coming from a gap around the window air conditioner that's going to need to be filled up with some foam rubber this autumn. You see it too in the reaction from your doctor's receptionist when you ask her "How the hell much longer do I have to wait?" That's just the rotation of the earth again, changing the seasons and making everyone have to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe every 4 months. Does Women's Wear Daily have anything to do with it? Are they in cahoots with the Bush Administration? Who knows. As long as you get to buy new clothes every 4 months, any conspiracy is a good one!