ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

 

This month brings frustration when you insert your debit card into the ATM slot attempting to get gas money and instead a YouTube video featuring Andy Samberg blurts onto the computer screen. "Who is this guy?" you keep asking yourself, "...and why is he in my ATM machine?" These are questions only the executives at NBC can answer and even they seem perplexed. It's like how everyone got Lyme disease at the same time only now, everybody's talking about a plague of Andy Samberg videos. Frankly, you'd be a lot happier with chronic joint pain and the potential for paralysis than having to see this guy and his semi-frightening clown face every time you look at a monitor. Stay away from flat screen TVs and the people who own them just because they're generally so snotty about it.

 

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)

 

Improve your living situation this month by buying a new home, or if you can't afford a $375,000 studio apartment on the lower east side, some new dishtowels and a vase of fresh flowers is almost exactly the same thing, only without the paperwork! If you really feel the need to invest your money, go to a legitimate investment counselor this time, instead of your older sister who, if you recall when you were 11 made you invest in her Barbie doll hair salon, at which you cut the hair of all the neighborhood kids' Barbies. Unfortunately, most of the kids didn't really want the hair on their Barbies to be short, because then they started to look like Ken dolls and the anatomy issue raised questions no one in your gang was prepared to answer (except possibly for Leslie, but that's another story). At any rate, leave the past behind but not your litter or your car keys.

 

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)

 

Neptune is guiding you this month but he's guiding you into a relationship with a guy who may actually be from Neptune. This fellow is a little too into his X-box and air guitar for your tastes and you don't know if you can actually have sex with a guy who sports mutton chop sideburns which he thinks are cool but which remind you of Captain Kangaroo, who you grew up watching on early morning TV and who dressed up as either a train conductor or a prison guard (you never quite got the outfit). Venus thinks he's cute but Venus has the taste of a hungry Golden Retriever, and her last boyfriend made Marilyn Manson look like Greg Kinnear. Try to be open-minded about facial hair but closed-minded about pubic hair, especially when it appears as dreadlocks.

 

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)

The moon is playing tricks on you when you end up going out with a guy who's playing the straight man when in fact it's clear to you and everybody else but his mother that he's as gay as a doily. He's sweet, he's awfully cute and those abs! But you actually like sex and can't waste any more time trying to convince people who aren't into it to have it with you. You don't want to hurt his feelings especially since he's planning to try out for the wizard in your local dinner theatre's presentation of "Wicked" and his confidence about his acting is already shaky, but somebody's got to tell this guy that the jig is up: the Burberry slacks might cut it out in East Hampton, but here on the planet earth, those patterns really don't make sense.

 

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)

 

The 21st brings disgust and the gag reflex after your dog ingests something so foul that when it shows up hours later, you realize the whole rug is going to have to go. Maybe if you hadn't fed the little guy the last of that curried chicken which really did have kind of a funny smell, he might have been able to make it to the back yard. On the other hand, the first two weeks this month, it's you who will be suffering from a non-specific ailment which has as its symptoms an uncontrollable urge to bark and shout out profanities, sometimes thrusting your arm forward in a quick, sudden motion. Either it's Tourette's Syndrome, which is fairly serious, or it's Craig Tourettes, that turkey who's always taking your parking space. Either way, you're not paying for his taillight.

 

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)

 

Although Vesta is the Goddess of hearth and home, you live in a rental and don't have a hearth and aren't entirely sure what one is anyway. From what you hear, a hearth involves a broom and evil step-sisters and you don't do brooms or evil step-anything so you never understood what you were doing under this sign anyway. This is your cue to hit the road, Jacqueline! Now's the time to check for travel deals on the web or ride boards on the community bulletin board in your town. Travel can be enriching and broadening especially if you fly through LAX, Newark or Cleveland, where delays put you face-to-face with the deadly and addictive Cinnabon. Turn and slowly walk away or at least get out of line so the rest of us can have one.

 

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)

 

You'll find bargains if you shop the 6th through the 17th, especially in electronics and kitchenware. If you're looking for deals in sweaters, blouses and tank tops, you'll be better off waiting until the 20th, and if you need outerwear, hold off until the 22nd. All this we can tell by consulting our chart and also the Sunday ad inserts which give you all the sales and which you should really make use of rather than your horoscope for God's sake. On the other hand, certain natural indicators make it likely that no one will be wearing any clothes in the near future and not because someone's having another one of those parties where they spike the Sangria, but because the Bush administration is permitting giant global polluters to continue doing what they do best, which is to melt our planet into a wad of silly putty by the year 2030. At any rate, sleeveless sundresses will be all the rage this fall, which is still summer and apparently will be until January.

 

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)

 

This month, after years of stargazing without incident, you decide that you have a crush on that tall guy in the constellation Orion. He's good-looking with a body that doesn't quit, along with a steady job, which is more than you can say about your last three boyfriends. He's also one of those shy types that you always go for: quiet, solid, seemingly with a lot on his mind. He's a little on the passive side, which is OK with you since you generally like to take the lead in bed, and you have a feeling that that belt of his has seen some action that maybe no one's talking about. Your friends say that this kind of obsession is unhealthy; that maybe you ought to concentrate on humans instead of compressions of gas and energy, but you argue that most of the human guys you end up with actually are compressions of gas and energy, which tend to erupt when you're watching TV on the couch and frankly, you're sick of it.

 

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)

 

Jupiter aligns with Pluto, which means that your blow dryer is not long for this world. That's fine since the last few times you've used it, your hair got stuck in the fan and you had to call the fire department to get it off you or you'd have had to go to work with it stuck to the side of your head like an aerodynamic tumor. Jupiter's familiarity with Pluto only goes so far however, since they totally disagree on whether or not to increase your stock position in Apple. In fact, the only thing about which the planets are in total agreement is how stupid everyone looks wearing those multi-colored, perforated plastic clogs. If you want to look like an idiot, why not just wear a kitchen colander on your head and save the $45?

 

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)

 

Strap on your party shoes and dance your way through the next few weekends! You find yourself on guest lists for parties that take place all over town: you've never been more popular! Is it the fact that you're giving off a certain kind of glow that makes you an irresistible companion? Or is it that everyone heard you won a big settlement from that incident at Home Depot? Either way, take advantage of all the offers this month, since next month all these people who were so happy to see you are going to look the other way once they realize you're not handing out cash. Stay out of Home Depot and Lowes this month and resist touching steam pipes and exposed electrical cords. But only until the 19th.

 

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)

 

That thing you've been dreaming about for so long? It might just become a reality, as long as your mother-in-law doesn't change her plans for this weekend. It's not that you don't like her, it's just that you can't stand her and wish she would somehow find herself packed into a shipment of tires bound for Malaysia. Have patience; one more week-long visit and even your husband will be on board with your little plot. Don't be jealous of your girlfriends whose in-laws are on the other side of the country; they have their own issues, particularly Lisa, who is pretty sure her mother-in-law is refolding all the towels in the linen closet into thirds just to piss her off.

 

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)

 

Saturn's in your house again and you're counting the days until he leaves. Could there be a worse houseguest? He eats like an enormous planet, and the crud he leaves in the shower is not to be believed. He's already broken one of your favorite wine goblets (which he replaced with a washed out jelly jar - thanks a lot!), and you know for a fact he's the one renting all the soft porn on pay-per-view (who else would rent something called "Venus and Mercury: Much, Much Hotter Than Earth!"). Just because his mass is 100 million times yours (although keep your eye on the scale, missy), there's no reason you can't show him the way out. This month's lesson is to assert yourself, and don't let anymore planets into your house without at least two references.

 

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own)

 

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)

 

If anyone can keep a secret, it's you, except for if the secret is too good to keep secret, or if you know someone who would really just die to hear it, or if it's about one of your friends, or a relative. Or someone at school. But other than that, the whispered word is safe with you! That's a good thing since this month a number of your friends simultaneously decide to confide in you and you find yourself amazed to hear the number of people who like to dress up like Paddington Bear to have sex. This is nothing you yourself have even considered, although you did have a crush on Smokey the Bear in early adolescence (that hat!) and would have acted on it except that you didn't want to live in a cave in the forest without indoor plumbing or HBO. Don't forget: the U.S. Government is monitoring your email for terrorist activities so make sure you don't spill the beans on Beth and that guy at the post... oops!