ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19) From the 20th thru the 26th, you are sick of your job, your co-workers, your boss and his stupid jade plant. Everybody acts like every deadline is sooo important and all you want to do is to tell them to get off your back! Don't worry, it's normal to feel this way sometimes, just don't act on your impulses. What's that? The stars really don't care if the horoscope in your local newspaper told you to go ahead and act on your impulses, we're telling you they are out of their friggin' minds. Oh yeah? Well why don't you just have them give us a call!

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)

Your figure becomes an issue on the 21st when the zipper on your "fat" pants refuses to meet up with the button at the waistband. The lesson here is that there is a limit to how many Peanut M&Ms one can eat in a weekend for God's sake, and you know better than anyone what that is. By the way, the heavenly bodies know all about the Snickers bar in your gym bag, you cheater.

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)

Be cautious about investments this month: frankly, the automatic toenail cutter doesn't look to be a big hit, and perhaps you shouldn't put all your money into the empty-toilet-roll warning system. Simplify! A company picnic, a few shots of Cuervo Gold and a cell phone camera can provide the financial security you crave.

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)

The big party you're planning will be the talk of the town! Gather the right music, your best glassware (those Davey Crockett juice glasses are just not going to cut it!), and all your favorite recipes. Preparation is the key to the success of any party. Unless, of course, it's scheduled for the 8th, 9th or 15th. Then go right ahead and use the Davey Crockett juice glasses. And while you're at it, you might want to wear a coon skin cap.

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22) A friend comes through with tickets to that show you really, really wanted to see. The seats are center orchestra and some really short people bought the seats in the row in front. The timing has worked out that you don't have to work the next day, you have a babysitter; it's all looking so good! Oh, wait a minute. the heavenly bodies report that your friend gave the tickets to her super. Oh well, that show was overrated anyway.

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) Who can believe that that good-looking actor is dating that loser actress? Certainly not you! She is basically a complete bimbo as far as you're concerned. What has she got that I don't? you can't stop thinking. Try a multi-million dollar house, salary and large, plastic breasts. Then get back to us.

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) A pet or a pet-like relationship you have (which may be a boyfriend, husband, in-law, or appliance), is becoming burdensome to you. Do you really need to hand-feed this creature (boyfriend, husband, in-law or appliance)? At least your pet cuddles when you want. OK, keep hand-feeding the pet, but the rest of them are on their own.

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)

Your mother will not let that one topic go. She simply will not stop! What is with her anyway? Is it because you forgot her birthday this year? Ooh, that's bad. Wow. The stars would not want to be in your shoes! The stars also say that Mother's Day is coming up and suggest now might be a good time to reexamine your checking account to see if you really need all that money in there.

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)

You hate camping and are kicking yourself for agreeing to go on that trip with your new boyfriend. There really is no way around it. Make sure you pack mosquito repellent, sturdy shoes and a flat-screen TV set. With any luck, the trip will coincide with your own lunar calendar, you'll get your period and they'll have to airlift you out.

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)

Don't be paranoid! Your girlfriends are not getting together every weekend at each other's houses for really fun potlucks, facials and manicures. And no one is making fun of that "leather look" outfit you wore to the big thing at that guy's house. Stop worrying about what other people think and go out and do some shopping! Just to be on the safe side however, you might want to replace wardrobe items that have the suffix "-look".

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)

You are the last one on the planet earth who is still watching MTV. You are the only person you know without a palm pilot. If you have a working turntable in your apartment, the heavens have news for you:

 

Attention! The Clash are not getting back together! No, really!

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)

It's true: someone in your circle is having sex and they are enjoying it. Find out who they are and have them tell you about it. Sharing all the juicy details with your significant other will introduce some much-needed spice into your own relationship. Then you can hop in bed and get some sleep.

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own)

 

Think twice about closing on your new house or apartment. Did you see that bathroom? There's enough mold in there you could seal the thing off and call it a terrarium. Perhaps renovating your own home is the answer. Start off small, by emptying the dishwasher.