ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

 

The phrase "let's talk" brings you're world shuddering to a halt. Even though it's just the guy at the deli counter wanting to turn you on to the honey-baked ham, you seem to be waiting for a sword to fall on your head. The 21st is the time to explore that feeling you just can't shake of something forgotten - a chore hanging over you. Is it an apology you owe someone for a long ago wrong? Is it a life-changing opportunity that you missed? Or was it just a dentist appointment? Re-check your calendar. If it says "life-changing opportunity, 1:30, Nov. 20th", you're screwed.

 

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)

 

You’ve been incredibly busy at work this month with little time for yourself or the things that make you happiest. Your boss is demanding a lot from you, some of it slightly shady, especially the stuff with offshore accounts. There’s a hell of a lot of document shredding going on, not to mention guys in long trench coats carrying metal briefcases coming and going, and the Assistant VP seems to be drenched with flop sweat every time he comes out of the head office. All this seems to come in anticipation of the end of the year, and you assume these guys must just be planning the office Christmas exchange. A pseudonym comes in handy now.

 

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)

 

According to your friends, you were a big hit at the party last weekend. Unfortunately because Mercury was in the house too and spiked your vodka, you are having trouble remembering what exactly made you so hilarious. Basically all you want to know is whether or not a crime was committed and if so, are you still guilty if you weren't aware that it was you committing it? How's that expression go? Is it "Ignorance of the law is no excuse" or "If you're an ignoramus, you will always need a lawyer"? This month, both expressions will serve you well.

 

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)

November brings you the joys and delights of planning a dinner party for 14 people you like as individuals but who together, are like Hurricane Katrina without the laughs. You've finally got all the dishes and the weird, specialized cookware you need, along with 14 chairs, a tablecloth that fits over the two tables, and enough forks that people don't have to share (unlike last year, when pretty much no one wanted to use the fork after Uncle Dave got done with it). Your tendency, which Saturn, the lazy planet, is encouraging, is to forget the turkey and just order in the whole thing from China Fun down the street. This is one of those tests of character that are utterly useless and prove nothing but which happen now and again. Make sure you stock up on toilet paper, especially if Uncle Dave is heading for the upstairs bathroom.

 

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)

 

This month, the world continues to tilt on its axis which explains why rich movie stars keep tumbling onto the continent of Africa. Paris Hilton for one, decides that she has the Prada bag, the small, half-alive, elbow-inhabiting dog, and a whole bunch of designer sunglasses, and what's left but to adopt a small child from Africa, or to buy one, like Madonna. Africa decides it's had enough and starts searching movie stars' luggage and auto trunks as they leave the country in an attempt to maintain a modest population of children under the age of 5. How does this affect you? You decide you're either going to start a foundation to support abandoned elbow dogs or at the very least, cancel this month's People Magazine.

 

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)

 

This month an invitation arrives in the mail that you simply can't pass up. To miss out on this solicitation would be a bad choice, with repercussions that won't be clear until you receive a subpoena in the mail. It comes with an opportunity to meet men, particularly armed men with keys hanging from their belts, mixed with the intellectual exercise of trying to convince idiots that they are, in fact, idiots. Yes, jury duty is not all bad - if you're lucky, you might get to put someone you know from high school away for life!

 

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)

 

If anyone can keep a secret, it's not you, so you can't understand why people keep confiding in you. You blame their indiscretion when what they tell you in confidence keeps ending up in your blog. This is no way to run an army or a friendship (and certainly not a dentist's office) and you're going to have to insist that people stop bothering you with their tales of infidelity and sex secrets and the fact that they saw their brother-in-law at Mulligan's with someone other than their sister, and that he had his hands on this other person's leg and this other person had tits that made Pamela Sue Anderson's look like rabbit pellets. The planet Mars encourages you to transcend the base nature of man, but Mars’ discretion is no match for your friend Lisa once she's had a few Vodka Martinis.

 

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)

 

Fashion is your thing, and the 10th through the 28th are the best days to indulge your taste for the finer things in life. Before the 10th, you will be drawn to muscle t-shirts, shoulder pads and gigantic fake gemstone Penguin pins and after the 28th, you'll find muumuus, Birkenstocks and argyle socks absolutely irresistible. It is absolutely imperative that you stay out of stores during those periods when you have the taste of a circus clown, although you will be in a certain state where you won't be able to tell that your taste is so impaired. That state is, not surprisingly, Texas, which the planets and the rest of the Universe encourage you leave as soon as you can get a flight out.

 

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)

 

It’s not like you to be patient but this month it will pay to wait out your impulse to sleep with a guy on the first date, or lease a BMW, or invest all your savings in your brother-in-law’s new salvage operation. Don’t jump in any fountains, or bet it all on red for the next 30 days. Don’t buy an airplane ticket to the Fiji Islands, or call your ex-boyfriend and ask him to explain what the hell he meant 6 years ago when he broke up with you saying, "it’s not you, but it might as well be". And finally, when someone says, "live life to the fullest" remind them that the last time they said that, you ended up with a urinary tract infection.

 

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)

 

The next 30 days Jupiter says, don't worry about the Infinite but Jupiter is one of those planets who grew up with family money and never had to worry about anything, and even got a car for his 16 millionth birthday. You resent his influence and wish you would hear more from Uranus who doesn't say much but is a good guy (for a planet) and who has the kind of working class attitude that one would expect from an orbiting entity. Make sure the music on your iPod is backed up: it would be cool to have a soundtrack for a quick getaway you'll have to make on the 17th.

 

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)

 

Mars moves into your house of love during the beginning of the month, making it difficult for you to completely close the door for fear of collapsing his inflatable companion collection. Actually, you always thought your "house of love" was yet another place on your body that other people get orgasms out of but which you simply can't locate. Mars clarifies to you that, even though it's really just a state of being, it still has to be vacuumed every once in a while and its smoke detector needs new batteries.

 

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)

 

A member of your social circle gets arrested this month and they’re expecting you to make bail. Why you? It’s because you’re a good friend and everybody knows it. Not that you’re a patsy and easily taken advantage of, or desperate for approval, or weak, or a doormat or a wet dog, or any of that other stuff people sometimes say, but just because you choose to give when other people ask you to. That explains why you have no television set, limited use of your own car, a friend crashed in your bed while you take the couch, and haven’t seen your black leather coat since you loaned it to your niece 6 years ago. They’re having a sale on backbones right after Thanksgiving – it might be a good idea to pick one up. In the meantime, can I borrow $100?

 

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own)

 

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)

 

You're psyched to try out the new seafood place in your neighborhood, but when you try to order the swordfish, they tell you they're out. Forever. Same with tuna, lobster, shark and bluefish. All they're offering these days are anchovies and sardines on toast but if you wanted to eat bait you'd go to McDonald's where at least it's breaded. You have two choices: join Greenpeace or head on over to the rib place