ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

 

February is Athena's chance for romance even if she hasn't had a boyfriend for six years and sex in two (if you're not counting that prolonged make-out session with the Mexican bus boy at Tequila's Tex-Mex). That's because Valentine's Day brings an old boyfriend back from the past, and he seems to have kicked his weed habit and actually seems to be listening to you when you tell him he's an idiot. Seal the deal with a threat to tell his mother he was the one who busted her taillight, and we hear wedding bells!

 

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)

This month has you extending an apology to a Psyche in your crowd after a dinner party you attend at her place goes horribly wrong. The phrase "horribly wrong" is over-used some might say, particularly in reviews for derivative screenplays, TV Guide synopses, and the American Presidency, but in your case, it's perhaps an understatement. Your gaffe makes Borat look like Rhett Butler. We won't tell you what happens because it's so funny to everyone who wasn't there, but hint: clean your kitty's litter AFTER the party.

 

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)

 

Aphro baby! The 16 exercise classes a week are working. You look great and your timing couldn't be better, since someone special is going to ask you out for a Valentine's Day dinner to a restaurant where people who wish they were at Red Lobster go to be humiliated by waiters who serve microscopic portions of food on plates the size of hubcaps, and act like they're doing you a favor. That's OK with you as you haven't eaten solid food since January 5th and a piece of parsley with a sliver of almond on top is like a Big Mac. Don't walk any dogs heavier than a Shetland sheepdog or you'll find yourself airborne.

 

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)

This month brings confusion when your gynecologist starts chuckling right after she inserts the speculum. When you ask her what's wrong, she holds it together just long enough to tell you "nothing" before she loses it completely and erupts in hysterical laughter. This private joke of hers continues through the exam and even after she tells you to get dressed. This puts you in a bad mood not to be lifted until later this month when you get your annual mammogram and the technician starts to giggle when she drops her pen. You haul off and hit her which is OK this month, but not next and probably not ever again. On or about the 24th, in a public dressing room, you figure out what your gyno was laughing about.

 

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)

A really bad haircut brings misery and a feeling of loss early this month but your friends comfort you with the news that it will grow back, and that everything "geek" is "in". Jupiter still thinks you're cute (you know he has a thing for little moons) and Mars plans to keep potential suitors from your door at least until the Monk's crown fills in a bit, so we're all on your side up here. Minoxidil and a floppy hat might be options now.

 

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)

 

Pay attention, for early February is key in your pursuit of happiness; many questions you have about your hopes and dreams and why you are on this planet will be answered between February 1st and the 8th. If you weren't paying attention, you lose, since these answers only come about as often as Halley's comet and with a lot less press. On the other hand, if you were paying attention and you still didn't get it, maybe you should subscribe to a different method of figuring out your future, like tea leaves or alternate side parking signs.

 

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)

 

Persephone is the Goddess with the mostess this month as the stars align to bollox up the entrance to her favorite brunch spot, allowing her to cut in line and get a really good table. The stars are on your side again when you go to Victoria's Secret to return a bra that instead of pushing things up, seems to be pushing things sideways, and they give you not only a refund but a free body fat analysis. Make room for some hot nights starting on Valentine's Day through the 17th as the constellation Cassiopeia comes to stay with you and your whole place erupts in a fireball since stars are about 10 million degrees and have no place near flannel sheets.

 

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)

 

Valentine's Day inspires you to book a trip to get away from it all with a good friend who is also dateless and enjoys standing in line at the airport griping about the line. An in-flight movie makes you wonder why they don't simply arrest Matthew McConaughey and put him away once and for all for criminal negligent acting and abuse of abdominals. Just when you start up a little flirtation with the cute guy in the aisle seat, your friend remembers that she's prone to airsickness. A good friend always holds the bag!

 

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)

 

Echo had a good month at the beginning of 2008 which means, just to be fair and keep the universe in balance, she has to trade it for a not-so-good month, which is this month - February. Sorry! The moon in the 4th house will mean that your paper will once again get delivered to the DiFrancos who have a dog that loves to mark his territory, which results in a desperate race to get your paper before they let him out. Sometime after the 15th, a partial eclipse results in your wearing one brown boot and one black boot to an important luncheon at which, for some reason, everyone's boots are discussed in relation to self-esteem and general coolness. If anyone can turn this around, it's Echo who managed to convince people that "shrugs" were a legitimate article of clothing and not just a knitwear experiment gone "horribly wrong".

 

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)

 

February means another Valentine's Day argument for you and your beloved who doesn't believe in celebrating middle-class holidays because he insists they're artificially created by Hallmark simply to sell their products. Ok, we buy into that theory for Arbor Day, Secretary Day, and Trash Pick-Up Day, but c'mon, Valentine's Day? We suspect your beloved might be raging not against "The Machine", but against the ATM which keeps insisting he doesn't have the $200 in his checking account to withdraw. You do end up getting a card from your mother who sends it as a friendly reminder that you're not getting any younger.

 

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)

 

It's your birthday and you can't believe that you're going to face another Valentine's Day without a date or any prospects. Which is worse, you wonder: being born in February, within two weeks of Valentine's Day, or one of the other Major Crappy Birthdates: Dec. 25th, 31st and January 1st? At least you're not a Pandora you think, even if they are notoriously lucky with men, money and real estate, leaving Psyches to have luck with lawn mowers, regular mail delivery, and not getting shit on by pigeons. But we digress. So VD is a bust but never fear: after the 14th, you will be standing outside in some line in your new suede coat and listen with pleasure as someone behind you shouts, "Shit! A pigeon just shat on me!"

 

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)

 

A clever plan involving Valentine's Day occurs to you as a way to liven up your relationship. You send yourself a lovely and romantic card via snail mail, signed inside by "a secret admirer" along with a mysterious return address. By the morning of the 15th, you'll know whether the ruse has brought a delicious spark of invigorating jealousy to your relationship or a total nuclear meltdown with screaming and door slamming and knocking the trash over, twice. As fun as the ruse might be for a while, don't let it go on for too long - we can't wait to see the reaction when you tell him it was all a big joke!

 

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own)

 

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)

 

February is an interesting month for all those who need a second opinion. That ancient Chinese proverb: "May you live in interesting times" certainly comes true when a Black man and a white women crush the competition from a rich, good-looking white male lawyer to assure that one of them will win the Democratic nomination for President of the United States. Women seem to have been a deciding factor in this outcome as lunar forces finally find something better to do than sit around synchronizing women's periods!