ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

 

Athena's birthday is coming up and it looks like it's a big one. Those round numbers can be intimidating, especially if you take the emergency brake off and they roll down the hill and kill someone. But still if you want to have a party and actually publicize the occasion, be our guest. Ignore those who will inevitably greet you with, "Wow, what must it be like to still be dating at your age?" Little do they know they will soon be single and also your age. Once your birthday is over, put it behind you and don't bring it up again until you have to renew your passport.

 

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)

Spring is in the air and so is the overpowering scent of your co-worker's perfume which is so thickly applied it's like you're in a Windsong rain forest. You've asked her to tone it down but she's either deaf or passive-aggressive and sometimes actually re-applies the stuff after lunch. You can take one of two tacks: counter her essence with your own: a garlic and onion bagel surreptitiously deposited in her waste-basket under a napkin, or dial 911 and report that her cubicle is on fire. (Also a great way to meet firemen!)

 

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)

 

March comes in like a lion and stays like a boring college professor with tenure. That's OK as far as Aphrodite is concerned since she never finished her degree despite having changed her major three times in an attempt to figure out what she wants to do with her life. A new season is approaching and with it, another opportunity to finish things left undone, including scanning all the family photos and getting the left implant. You can't rely on padding forever!

 

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)

You are about to make a major expenditure and it's got you nervously calculating what you'll have left once the bulk of your savings is gone. Is a flat screen TV in the bathroom really that much of a priority or shouldn't you be paying off those school loans? It's hard for you to prioritize with so many bills to pay; not the least of which is the detailing job on your boyfriend's Camaro as well as his latest tattoo of Heather Graham. If paying bills is "not your thing" you may find that bankruptcy is.

 

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)

Demeter will be kept busy this month by a persistent suitor whose horoscope is telling him: "This month you've found her! She's the one! Don't let her get away!" blah, blah, blah, while we here at Headquarters feel very strongly that he is not only not "the one", but not even in contention for "the two or three". Once again, colliding horoscopes lead to anxiety, bad feelings and meaningless sex (at least for one of you). On the other hand, in our experience, sex with meaning is usually not that great, so what the heck.

 

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)

 

Mercury is in retrograde this month which is like failing your sophomore year and having to repeat it because you were partying too much and kept blowing off your 8:30am Statistics class. How does this affect you, you ask? Well, Mercury is going to try to talk his way out of it and may embellish the predictions for which he's responsible. This has led in the past to people deciding they should admit they have a crush on their fiancé's brother and wearing short-shorts when they really shouldn't. You may want to protect yourself until the end of the month, not only with a condom, but also with a grain of salt (make sure none of the salt gets into the condom, or your boyfriend will be really upset!).

 

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)

 

Persephone is ruled by the Sun this month, as a result of the Sun being recently replaced by Alpha Centuri in the sign Demeter. The Sun was told that this was a lateral move but we in the astrology field talk, and just between you and us and the known universe, this was definitely a downgrade. The Sun is having a hard time influencing anyone since this skin cancer thing and what with all the SPF protection, he just hasn't been making the same impact as in the past. Never fear, he still wields some power: at least the houseplants on your windowsill will have a good month.

 

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)

 

Leda is surrounded by a lot of bickering, in-fighting and backbiting, and this is just on the train on the way to work. Once she gets to work, the real conflicts begin. The 7th through the 15th tax Leda's powers of mediation especially when it comes to the dissemination of the Dunkin' Doughnuts in the office kitchen (who keeps taking the only two with sprinkles?), and the large Subway napkins (which everyone prefers over those tiny ones from the Chinese place). After the 15th, Saturn's influence helps temper the pettiness by throwing off a spare moon, which is now hurtling toward the earth and may cause the extinction of the human race. Even so, the 15th through the 29th brings a raging conflict between the two IT guys for the desk by the window so they have the best view of the end of life. Since it's all going to be over soon anyway, let everybody fight and you go have sex with that cute guy in Human Resources.

 

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)

 

This month brings rain and sleet and other moisture-laden precipitates which means that your hair will never quite look like you planned. Fight back this month by investing in three things no woman should be without: a flat-iron, a curling iron and an iron worker who may or may not have a job, but will certainly have biceps to die for. The first two will make your hair look great and the last one will make the two hours spent straightening your hair worth it.

 

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)

 

March brings good luck for Pandora who lands either a new job, a new boyfriend, or tickets to the Robert Plant, Alison Krauss tour. This is not a grab bag however - lucky Pandora only gets one so you've got to choose wisely when the choice is offered. It's kind of like when the good guy is running away from the killer robot and he has to choose between one corridor and another and somehow he chooses the right one so the killer robot goes hurtling down the other and out the open door into the giant trash compactor. We know Pandora will make the right choice! On the other hand, you might want to avoid getting on the bad side of a killer robot.

 

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)

 

A friend's advice begins to grate on you. Is she really trying to be helpful or is she trying to subtly undermine you with her suggestions about your hair color, your child-rearing decisions, your job prospects and your singing ability. Is it really necessary you wonder, for her to tell you that it's great if you sing but only if you're in the shower and preferably in a shower in a motel outside Albuquerque? Is that helpful? You call upon the planetary assistance of Uranus (only available for special occasions) which he gladly provides by way of a move into her sign and a really inopportune computer crash. It's all great until the 24th when Uranus stops by your house with an invoice and a bottle of Merlot.

 

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)

 

You and Athena both have birthdays this month and while she has opted for a party and rings on her coffee table from a serious lack of coasters, you have decided to keep things quiet and keep your coffee table pristine. In fact, you attend Athena's party as a covert operative, setting your sweating beer down next to her big book on architecture (like she's ever opened that thing!) and are the very one to tell her you think it's amazing that she can still be dating at her age. Little do you know that her age is your age, and in fact, she's dating, and the last time a guy asked YOU out, it was because he wanted your parking space. Ever helpful, Mars tries to fix you up with a friend, but it's like the guy is from another planet.

 

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own)

 

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)

 

March is the month for madness, and not only for basketball but also for in-laws, boyfriends and American primaries. Between the funky weather and the Ides of March (a couple in Milwaukee who insist on voting for Nader), you wonder what's going to happen next. Your question is answered when NBC starts promoting their newest reality show: American Gladi-Idol in which oiled up, steroid-pumped men and women beat up skinny guys and weird chicks who can't sing. Watch out Psyche!