ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

 

This month finds you laid up with a back injury you suffer twisting into a pretzel trying to identify what it is that's so itchy on the back of your thigh. Why bother to look at those things - they'll only depress you anyway? Especially when you find out it's tattoo and you have no idea how it got there. Super-especially when you find out it's a tattoo of Justin Timberlake and you're not even sure who he is. The stars suggest you watch where you sit in the future.

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)

April showers bring May flowers but right now all you can think about is how can someone collect 18 umbrellas, none of which work. The last time you went out with one and tried to open it, the top disengaged from the handle, shot across the intersection and almost impaled some guy who was trying to put money in the parking meter. The time before that, your umbrella opened into a flat surface like a huppa and a passing rabbi started to perform wedding vows with you and a nearby linden tree. Next time try a beach umbrella. You might still get wet, but there's always the chance you'll meet a lifeguard.

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)

 

The disparity between rich and poor hits particularly hard this month when you realize that you're poor. This becomes obvious when you gather all your stuff for your taxes and figure out that you made $17,000 last year, including your $5000 tax refund. This situation is despicable and depressing because when you complain about not having money, you're not doing it relative to other, richer people, but relative to actual people who don't have money. This makes cocktail parties particularly annoying when you admit that you can't afford to send your kids to private school while everyone else is complaining about having to send their third. Things look up at the end of the month, however, when a look of dawning comprehension cracks the perpetual smirk on the face of that guy from Bear Stearns.

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)

Plenty of flood footage on the nightly news this month has you riveted to your TV screen, particularly on the 17th through the 25th, as levys fail, dams are breached, inexplicably heavy rains fall in the mid-west, and Democrats start realizing they're in real danger of losing the Presidential election entirely. Weeping won't help anything since the global warming damage has been done, but perhaps natural disasters will convince people to write in Al Gore after all. The end of the month brings Spring sales on raingear, which you'd be an idiot to pass up.

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)

Even Jupiter thinks you're pretentious when you suddenly start using the expression, "By Jove" even though not only are you NOT a professor of Greek history, but you took an "incomplete" in "Mythology Studies" which was a known "easy A". But only you can recognize and correct this path before you've gone so far into Celine Dion territory there's no return. Undeniable signs of pretentiousness include enjoying the recent Olivier Assayas film "Boarding Gate" or virtually anything by Henry Jaglom. Never fear, your nieces keep you honest when they find your stack of "Us" magazines in the bathroom with the corner of the page about Ashton Kutcher turned down.

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)

 

As much as Vesta loves laundry, even you have to take a break when your boyfriend keeps tossing his socks, t-shirts, and underwear into your hamper to the point where even the cat won't go near that thing. You make inroads in the relationship when you hand him a box of Tide and a sheet of fabric softener and explain to him your sexual fantasies have a lot to do with folded laundry. For some reason, men will believe anything when it comes to sex and if you tell them the concept of "the gentle cycle" makes you horny, you'll never have to hand wash a pair of underwear again as long as you live. .

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)

 

This month Carmen Electra and Pamela Sue Anderson influence your sign even more than Saturn and Venus combined, and believe us, when S and V are together, they are holy terrors. Although the planetary orbs on Carmen and Pam are fake, they are as constant as the moons that orbit those two planets albeit less likely to affect the tides, except when the girls are frolicking at the beach and their bikini tops "accidentally" ride up. It is thought that Pamela Sue Anderson's lack of a bathing suit top when she jumped into waters off Southeast Asia a few years back was a partial cause of the Tsunami. But we digress. You have your own problems finding a bathing suit that will flatter you while keeping you covered from chin to knee.

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)

 

The beginning of the month sets the tone for the next few weeks, when an April Fool's Day prank you pulled on a co-worker goes so well he's now incarcerated for armed robbery. That was so funny! Your sense of humor makes you a delight to be around late in the month when your start substituting vodka for cream in your morning coffee. Why didn't you think of this years ago you wonder? And why isn't everybody doing it? By the time Friday happy hour comes around you're so happy they find you face down on your keyboard.

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)

 

Family issues take precedence this month from the 7th to the 28th when some long lost relatives find out where you're living and decide to come for a visit. These are relatives that you had intentionally lost by passing word along that you'd hopped a freighter to Istanbul and were last seen hauling water for a pasha. But someone (your brother in law, natch!) spilled the beans, and now these cousins who make the Addams family look like the Osmonds want to stay at your apartment while they look at schools for their oldest, in lieu of keeping him in a cage in their bedroom. They are family so try to accept them for who they are. Just don't let them alone with the cat.

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)

 

You find yourself caught between a rock and another rock when your ankle gets wedged on a hike with some guy you're trying to convince that you like outdoor sports. He's nice about it and doesn't even question your choice of footwear which happen to be some adorable espadrilles that looked really cute when you ordered them online but were not really meant to be used for anything other than posing for a photo shoot on a Greek island. Next time, be true to yourself and tell the guy that you don't believe in physical exertion unless it means standing in line for the Barney's sample sale.

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)

 

Venus and Mars are in your house again, and by some fluke end up seated next to each other at a political fund-raiser you're hosting. As usual they get in an argument over whose lunar node is the biggest and whether a zenith is astrologically significant or merely a really good name for a car. When you try to separate them, Venus knocks over her wine, resulting in an ugly stain on your white tablecloth, as well as a crisis for those born in 1965. Things take a turn for the better when the very next day you hook up with a really hot guy who also happens to own a dry cleaning business.

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)

 

You are entering an auspicious cycle for fingernail growth! For the first time in your adult life all ten fingernails are the same length and look like they belong on the same 2 hands as a united family instead of 7 decent ones and three that look like they belong on a miner from Belarus. Take advantage of this by getting a manicure from the beauty shop in the mall instead of the chop shop on the corner which does nails and muffler repair.

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own)

 

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)

 

A cosmic virus strikes you low this month and you can barely get out of bed, let alone show up for your personal training session with Sven. Whether it's psychological, physical, or autoerotic is not important as long as you pay attention to what your body is telling you without getting into a long, drawn out discussion over whether it's really necessary to have chin hair and a saggy ass. Your body knows best even though it only went to a community college and never even got a degree. Promise Sven that your body will show up at the next session even though your mind will be at home watching "The Bold and Restless". !