ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

 

Early this month you'll be the center of attention when 2 inches of your 3-inch high heels gets caught in the slats of the old-fashioned escalator at Macy's. With one hand on the moving railing, you'll struggle to free yourself, becoming more frantic as the top of the escalator looms, resulting in you looking like a duck at a carnival shooting gallery. We say, sometimes it's better to give up a shoe than lose a limb. You have to decide if this is one of those times.

 

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)

A hair appointment goes awry when your usual girl runs away with her tattoo artist, leaving you seated before her replacement who has a sharp pair of scissors and a bad attitude. No matter what you suggest: "what do you think of bangs?" she puts her hand on her hip, rolls her eyes, and gets a look like she's waiting for the dryer to come to a complete stop. Even when you notify her that she just cut off your earlobe, she insists that the resulting look is "modern and fun" and stems the flow of blood by applying a "very popular" holding gel. Whatever you do, don't get a facial between the 9th and the 11th.

 

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)

 

Jupiter and 22 of his moons decide to crash your birthday party although they do offer to bring chips and beer. This is not all bad since typically at your birthday parties, 14 women show up and no guys and it essentially becomes a baby shower only with more alcohol and no cupcakes. Even though Jupiter is too old for anybody (4.6 billion years, although we gotta say he doesn't look a day over 3 billion), his main moon Ganymede turns out to be not too bad looking for an ice-covered satellite; sort of like your ex-boyfriend only with regular work. The remaining 21 moons get too drunk to return to their orbits, putting gravity at risk, not to mention your living room rug.

 

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)

Wedding season is looming, and with it, invitations to multiple events which require you to purchase plane tickets to 29 of the 50 states in the next 6 months. You rejoice in the happiness of these potential brides but feel kind of like you could do without all these friends if it meant saving some money so you could maybe pay your rent in June. You're the bridesmaid in 17 of them and so you're doing better than Katherine Heigl in "27 Dresses" but not by much. By the end of the month you're so sick of lavender satin heels you end up buying a pair of men's brown oxfords to wear with a flowing off-the-shoulder number, inadvertently starting a whole new fashion craze!

 

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)

The 4th through the 17th you'll finally find time to get back into a hobby you've been neglecting. Although many people consider stock car racing low class and frivolous, they've never done it and certainly not with Sephora as a sponsor! Now you can put the pedal to the metal with soft hands and tight pores and get mini-makeovers at every pit stop. It's a good idea to get a manicure before the race and not during, as you want to make sure your nails have time to dry completely and the pit crew gets cranky if you just stand there waving your hands in the final lap. Make sure you use an extra strong holding spray – you know what those helmets do to your hair!

 

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)

 

May is not a particularly interesting or monumental month for you.

Not much to look forward to but not much to worry about either. You'll find that earring you lost last year; you know, the one that matches the other one that you threw away finally realizing you'd never find this one? Well that will happen sometime between the 22nd and 30th of the month. You'll get your period but that wasn't really in doubt since you haven't had sex in 3 months, or at least not that kind, with a guy and everything. You'll be on hold for 20 minutes and get disconnected, you'll buy a pair of shoes that don't fit once you get them home, a red sock will find its way into your laundry and all of your underwear that wasn't already pink, will be. Look at it this way - at least an asteroid won't smash through your roof incinerating your house to a pile of cinders, right?

 

 

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)

 

Be compassionate with family members this month - they really need your support what with your uncle's trial coming up and your brother's divorce and his mother-in-law's tragic-yet-kind-of-funny face-lift. You really are their rock now and possibly a source of bail money, so you might want to transfer a couple grand out of the ol' savings account, just in case. On the bright side: of the three lawyers assembled to defend your Uncle, 2 are really cute and one you wouldn't kick out of bed if he happened to be in your bed one night when you came home drunk and you lost your keys and had no way of getting in unless he opened the door for you. A bond with another sibling is solidified when you crack each other up imitating his mother-in-law trying to blink.

 

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)

 

This month you finally figure out who Heidi and Spencer are along with a whole bunch of other blonde women and super dumb-looking men who are apparently singers or entertainers of some kind, or perhaps just people who refuse to wear underwear when they go grocery shopping. These are the kind of people you grew up making "dumb blonde" jokes about but apparently in this new America, they are national heroes, and why not, the alternative being George Bush? If you're blonde yourself, this is the month to become a brunette just so people stop asking you about "your recent stay in rehab".

 

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)

 

This month finds you wondering how Paul McCartney's ex Heather can already be broke, but it turns out she's burned through her divorce settlement paying for people's amputations so they can get a firm and slender artificial leg like hers, enabling them to win not only sympathy but a shot at "America's Dancing Amputees". This anteater-faced-lady is full of good causes, which all sounds very noble until you find out that one of them is shearing beavers and then giving them back their fur in little fitted beaver topcoats. The end of the month, make a donation to a cause you can really get behind, like the Alliance to Get Paula Abdul A Brain.

 

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)

 

An old lover reappears, which means either you two are meant to be together, or his parents threw him out so they can renovate the basement. This is no time to quibble! Both of you have matured beyond those things that broke you apart in the first place, like his insistence that he always got to drive, and your insistence that he not eat ravioli with his hands, so let him know you're available. Nothing spells availability like a long, rambling, nearly incoherent phone message.

 

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)

 

Maybe it's just us, and all your friends, and some of your co-workers, and your doorman, and also the guy who gives your kids swimming lessons, but you seem to have put on a few pounds this winter. Maybe it's the way your pants hug your thighs like sausage casings, or the fact that you haven't tucked in a blouse since the week before Christmas, or perhaps it's the way metal rivets pop out of steel scaffolding whenever you walk over a bridge, but it seems like you're one Chai Latte over the line. A new exercise program will help get things back to normal or at least enable you to board airplanes without the crew shouting, "We're gonna need a longer runway!"

 

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)

 

Your ruler Saturn gets it into his paisley-printed head to test your patience by pushing you to the breaking point with petty annoyances. This involves snapping the tip off your eyeliner pencil for a third time after you've just sharpened it (on the 4th); planting a curly black hair in your pad thai (look for this on the 11th); rewiring the TV so that turning it on sets off your smoke alarm (the 17th ); and turning your milk into cottage cheese (and we mean the kind with pineapple in it), after you've poured it into your coffee (the 23rd, 25th and 30th). Unless you enjoy damp, dark cells, travel anywhere is off the menu for you this month.

 

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own)

 

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)

 

This month you come to the realization that you love children, you really do. But only theoretically, and as depicted on TV. Now that your peer group has squeezed out a few, the reality of them makes you want to pull out your uterus and use it as a pencil cup. This really hits home after the 25th when you have to clean your house after your friends and their two kids have finally left to return to Albuquerque or wherever the hell they live. What is that stain on the ceiling? What happened to all the towels? How did the cat get into the dishwasher? Those little pet carriers might be handy the next time they visit.