ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

 

It's September and school is starting along with realization that you haven't paid your cable or electric bill all summer and those people are pissed. Don't they take vacations? Even though you weren't home for two months, your appliances apparently had parties every night, turning the air conditioner on and off, and leaving the refrigerator open every time they took out a snack. Your nasty little toaster oven is the ringleader, that's a given. You've always known it's had it in for you, as it's burned every bagel you've ever put in there and explodes potatoes with regularity and a metallic little snicker. While you were gone, your vibrator bravely tried to take a stand, but was shouted down for being a "dick".

 

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)

There's a nip in the air and also around your ankles every time you climb into bed so perhaps it's time to change those sheets? Perhaps you didn't realize that "Spring Cleaning" is just an expression and not a national holiday to be celebrated once a year. If whenever you gaze upon Saturn's rings you can only think of your bathtub and toilet bowl, it's time to get out the Bon Ami! And even though Mars' atmosphere is made up of dust, that's no excuse for your coffee table, which looks like the aftermath of Pompeii, including the mummified people frozen in mid-stride. A good swipe with the duster reveals the last two guys you dated, one of whom is still talking about his Lexus. You bury him again.

 

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)

 

The summer is officially over and too your share in the Hamptons which is a good thing since you've managed to have unsuccessful relationships with 6 guys there without actually physically touching a single one. Why is it your summer share house is always stocked with psychologists and computer nerds who have a tendency to look at you too long when you ask them if they've ever been out of their apartment before, and why they wear socks to bed (and I don't mean on their feet)? The fall brings new men into your life or at least a few who wear socks outside and on the appendages for which they were intended.

 

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)

Mars and Venus have finally made up after years of bickering and this means your relationship has made it over the hump. The biggest point of contention now is that the guy you're dating keeps insisting he is not from Mars but from Pluto even though you keep telling him that Pluto is not a planet, and also that if he was from Mars or Pluto he would be an actual alien and therefore you would be incompatible because you are really looking for a guy who at least shares your planet, if not your love of "snuggling during a thunderstorm". On the bright side, you get a great idea for a new book: "If You Think You Are From Another Planet, You Should Be Institutionalized And Not Holding Up Traffic On Dating Websites".

 

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)

We missed your birthday Demeter! And so, for the third year running, did you, not that anyone's counting except for the very confused people at the Department of Motor Vehicles. You don't look your age, but the age you do look is one that appears in hilarious anti-smoking posters which is not a good thing. Perhaps you should think about getting your teeth whitened or better yet, pulled and replaced with little mints? And if it's wrinkles that concern you, well they concern the rest of us too - not ours: yours. Your friends won't tell you but every time you laugh, they're afraid they're going to lose important documents in your naso-labial folds. Look into Restylane or simply ask your nephew if you can borrow his silly putty.

 

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)

 

It's Vesta's birthday, and this year, all the stars are in her corner! Of course that's going to make the corner very hot and pointy, with a long line for the bathroom, but that's OK because the stars bring tidings of joy… er, actually that's the Three Kings and we're not quite ready for that (although you wouldn't know looking at the windows at Lord & Taylor, but we digress). Actually, stars in your corner is a rare astrological phenomenon which can only mean that the universe is tilting, and that you had better hold onto your hat as well as all your living room furniture. The good news is that you're sliding ever closer to that cute guy in your night school class, and eventually you'll be sitting in his lap, at which point you better have a good opening line, like, "I usually get paid for this, but in your case, I'll make an exception!"

 

 

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)

 

This month brings cooler weather and brighter skies as well as lower humidity so you can finally stop plastering your frizzy hair down with a quantity of hairspray that makes Conan O'Brian's pompadour look "casual" by comparison. The 10th through the 15th brings trouble in your personal life when two friends of yours start feuding and put you in the middle. This would ordinarily not be such a bad thing, but they've decided to use pistols, at dawn, and with you in the middle, you look to be the big loser. If you manage to "dodge a bullet", and we mean this literally, there might be a Hollywood action film franchise in your future.

 

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)

 

Hooray! It's the beginning of the fall TV season! This means you have somewhere to be instead of hanging out at your in-laws' pool watching the kids try to drown each other. From the 12th to the 28th brings you closer to your TV and renews your relationship with your cable box which was giving you trouble last month but now permits you to order movies on Pay-Per-View as long as they are pre-1998 and star Jim Carrey. Your familiarity with your home entertainment unit is starting to bug your significant other, not because he feels neglected but because he too was planning on spending a few intimate evenings alone with the TV, and you're wrecking his plans. The two of you need to get out, seriously.

 

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)

 

The last warm days of summer bring you outside to gaze at the sky and contemplate your future. You notice for the first time just how much the galaxies look like heavenly hurricanes, which in fact they are, moving across giant meteorological maps pointed at by huge chubby meteorologists up in the Heavens. Yet another savage hurricane is on its way, but this time, it's up in the sky, which means windstorms blow love your way! Along with love comes rusty satellites and the discarded fuselages of old Apollo missions, but as long as you dodge the heavy metal, love will land nearby! Of course if you get crushed by an old rocket booster, that will make it hard for love to find you. Let's hope love has a sniffer dog with him! And some plasma!

 

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)

 

This month brings a super sexy guy into your life; one who looks just like one of the bad guys in an old Bruce Willis film which is fine with you, since you always liked those dark, mean-looking types who look like they would just as soon tie you up and have their way with you as ask you out to another boring dinner at Nobu. This means yet another month of incredible sex and stilted conversation unless of course you just cut out the conversation entirely, and then the relationship will be perfect! Venus warns this can't go on forever, but admits she too is a sucker for guys with an edge, which explains her dalliance with that pitted moon from Jupiter.

 

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)

 

The summer went by so fast! You watched way too much of the Olympics, and frankly, a little too closely for someone not incarcerated, but there's certainly nothing like watching all those hot bodies straining against Spandex, except of course for the Chinese gymnasts whose Spandex was actually baggy and loose and they kept having to roll up the extra material so that it wouldn't get tangled around their bony thighs. This is only inspiration for you to: 1) restart that diet and 2) get gastric bypass surgery. Alternatively, you could get a Romanian coach who will give you tips on how to vomit without getting anything on your outfit.

 

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)

 

A new moon in your house brings disaster when its electromagnetic pull starts yanking your emails into the wrong mailboxes! Your husband finds out exactly what kind of a kisser you think he is (apparently he doesn't like the comparison to "uncooked flounder minus the sex appeal") and your best friend (oops! now, not so much!) discovers that you think her haircut would be better suited to one of the stars of American Gladiator. This is the worst thing that will happen to you this month, which would be great news if it wasn't going to happen repeatedly and on such an enormous scale, including the mass mailing of a sexy note intended for your lover to the members of your book club and the local City Council. The lesson learned is discretion, especially if your love notes mention shoetrees and "the moist interior of cooked acorn squash". Ugh.

 

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own)

 

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)

 

This month brings the real beginning of the U.S. run for the White House, now that both parties have chosen their running mates (or "Disney-esque evil stepmother" in the case of McCain). You find it weird how so many people claimed they were put off by Hilary Clinton's "naked ambition" and yet find Palin's clawing, cackling, name-calling, power-mad scramble to the top, refreshing! But this month, revelations both great and small will change the balance of opinion and start America back on the road to solvency, if not greatness. You don't care as long as the planet continues to revolve around the sun and there are still stars in the skies, but, depending on how the election goes, this is not a sure thing. Hint: Cancel those plans to visit Afghanistan! And also Pakistan! And Iran! And also Iraq. And also Florida.