ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

 

This month, Venus and Uranus collide with Pluto on their way to Starbucks of which there are so many in the Milky Way it's amazing you can even find the one you're looking for let alone run into a planet you know. Next year, the Gods That Govern the Heavens plan to close a few to make room for an intergalactic Duane Reade franchise. At any rate, the collision between the planets has an immediate affect on your finances when you liquidate your mutual funds and pull out of the stock market on the day it loses 777 points, and then pile your money back in when the market jumps up 300 points, and then you pull it back out again when the market falls 833 points but then you put it back in when the market soars 540 points. Now that you have $9 left, your retirement is at risk. Pluto recommends you put it on Rusty Haunches in the fourth at Belmont.

 

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)

From the 1st through the 19th you become especially sensitive to the fact that men who are not really attractive think they're good-looking, that men who are kind of good-looking think they are really good-looking, and that men who are actually good-looking think they are God's gift to the human race and far too attractive to date women from this planet but instead have to spend hours at the gym taking out their sexual frustration on the Cybex machines on the lower level. This explains your distaste for the Cybex machines on the lower level and also why your gym has that funky smell. This is contrary to your female friends who always think they're one degree less good-looking than they truly are which leads to round table discussions where you all compliment each other and then take out your own sexual frustrations on a shared half cup of rice pudding. From the 20th to the 31st, you decide it wouldn't hurt to do a few crunches near the Cybex machines on the lower level.

 

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)

 

Jupiter has news for you as he watches over your romantic life and your stock portfolio, both of which seem to be ailing. He suggests that perhaps you'd be better off if you were a little less weighted in Large Cap Financials and instead moved some money into King-sized pillow cases stored in your cedar closet, with a little risk spread out into the freezer in your garage. As far as your dating life, he also suggests that you lean toward less risk, which means no more cruising rest-stop diners but moving more into brew pubs and mid-town laundromats.

 

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)

You sign is stable this month as sunspot activity, which governs your mood and the wattage of overhead light in your bathroom, is reported to be diminishing. This stability in mood is crucial in that it enables you to visit your relatives without retreating into your car to have a smoke every half hour, especially since you don't smoke and you don't have a car. This break in solar tempestuousness also allows you to cut down on the drinking alone, the walking the streets in the rain without an umbrella and the mood swings that cause you to break Heineken bottles on bar edges and provoke your girlfriends into bar fights. Now's a good time to get some new friends together for a drink, to celebrate your state of placidity! You have until the 22nd.

 

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)

Is it just you or does elevator music seem to be taking over every public space you inhabit? Every time you go shopping, every coffee shop, every department store, every car-parts outlet, even your hairdresser seems to be have a layer of insipid modern crap blaring out of loud speakers which, no matter where you sit, always seem to be right next to your ear. From the off-track betting parlor to the prosthetic devices lab, from the Battlestar Gallactica conventions to the cafeteria at Riker's Island, you can't escape it! It's in Zsa Zsa Gabor's dressing room, the Hooter's wine cellar, and pouring out of the speakers of Cheney's underground bunker. You wonder if this isn't just a giant conspiracy to dumb down Americans so the Canadians can finally take over. That would certainly explain Celine Dion!

 

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)

 

The 5th through the 13th brings the gut twisting anticipation of the stock market falling to about 227 as all the people in the know sell out and move to Kyrgyzstan where the country is relatively stable and the government is trustworthy. On the 10th everybody laughs wryly about the fact that 13 is a bad luck number and aren't people who are superstitious so silly and by the way what is your broker's phone number because you want to liquidate everything except for a couple thousand which you want to put into Sleep-eez stock because you think lots of people are going to be buying mattresses the next five years. The 14th through the 27th pass uneventfully, mostly because you're holed up in your apartment, waiting for the apocalypse.

 

 

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)

 

It's Persephone's birthday month and is she ever excited! In fact you are so excited that you have to up your anti-anxiety medication so you can drive to work without swerving into the median! A surprise is waiting for you there, as your co-workers have put a candle in a toaster pastry in your honor, and the big lady in HR has made a card for you out of a folded 1099. Once again you have to suffer through the phenomenon of having people you're not really friends with gather to celebrate your life; it's always uncomfortable when they sing Happy Birthday and the voices pile up like a train wreck at the part where they insert your name. But oddly the same exact thing happens later that night when your closest friends also can't seem to quite remember your name; odder still since they're at your house and one of them is your husband.

 

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)

 

You are tempted this month by a romantic opportunity, even though you have a long-term boyfriend who is a good guy, acceptable in bed and has a job that does not involve wearing an apron. This can be a struggle even for the most vigilant of partners since any long-term relationship can become boring in the place where novelty is key, and we don't mean the kitchen. Or perhaps we do mean the kitchen, into which you might consider moving your bedroom activities or even your whole bedroom, clothes hamper and all, in a bid to energize your sex life. Try incorporating some spice into what happens between the sheets, like thyme or maybe oregano, or even marjoram, a full bottle of which has been sitting on your spice rack for about 12 years since you have no idea what it's for.

 

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)

 

The 8th through the 15th will be good for travel related activities, including planning road trips, perusing travel websites, or, depending on your budget, hopping on the treadmill for an extended period of time while watching reruns of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire". After the 15th it would be a good idea to actually get out of town since someone to whom you made a promise is coming to collect and you were totally bullshitting when you said you'd baby-sit their kid while they were away. Taking care of a kid turns out to be harder than watering plants as you'll remember from the last time when your other friends got mad when you told them you left the food out right where the kid could see it and is it your fault that he didn't know how to use a can opener?

 

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)

 

The moon has moved into a holding pattern over your sign this month which for some will cause their dishwashers to leak, their bathtubs to overflow and their sinks to cough up the kind of unidentifiable sludge that gives sludge a bad name (as if there could be a worse name than "sludge"). For those lucky enough to be on the cusp it just means some modest nighttime urinary incontinence or perhaps a little more drool than usual when you fall asleep after dinner at your in-laws.

 

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)

 

Halloween is coming and Psyche is, well, psyched. This is one of her favorite holidays since it encourages dressing up like someone other than oneself for the purposes of handing out high calorie snacks and terrifying children. Try to tone it down this year; there's no reason to have both a guillotine and an iron maiden on your front lawn - a nice black cat and some smiley-face pumpkins are all you really need. Of course, if you're not attempting to decorate your lawn but instead having a yard sale, earlier in the month is better. Once you redecorate, we're sure your housekeeper will be back!

 

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)

 

An intersection of the planetary energies of Mars and Venus in a debate over how your month will unfold has you confused and frustrated. You wish they would just stop arguing about who has the biggest planetary field and who voted to increase Saturn's rings and just get down to the business of giving you your horoscope. If you had to vote for either one of them (which will never happen since they're planets and you didn't register with the League of Orbital Entities), you'd vote for Earth, since when Earth engages in mud-slinging, it usually results in a really fun festival like Woodstock and maybe if you went on line right now, you could get tickets near the stage. The debates end in a draw and you get a cold sore which you blame on stress.

 

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own)

 

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)

 

There's about to be a bidding war for your insight and talent which you posted on eBay never thinking anyone would take you seriously. Now it seems like some guy in Illinois has offered the "Buy It Now" price of $40 and somehow you're going to have to come through. This won't be hard for likeable Thalia, who's been known to rent herself out for bachelor parties and the occasional bar mitzvah, so what's a long weekend in Illinois? Bring your little Pay Pal and make it a wicked threesome of insight, talent and light bondage.