ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

 

A new day is dawning and it's not just because of the historic election in the United States but because your visiting mother-in-law decided your Beef Stroganoff recipe was "not that bad, since even you can't screw up ground beef" and also that you aren't really a bad mother, but "someone who probably didn't mean to destroy the souls and spirit of your offspring, but just didn't know any better". It's cause to break out the champagne and put away the Xanax because if you drink enough, you can get the same effect and you have 4 pretty flutes that you haven't used since the wedding. She's only going to stay until the full moon at which point she's leaving for a conference high on a hill somewhere in Transylvania called "Blood-Letting On a Budget". The 16th through the 24th will be joyous, and not just because she's leaving on the 14th but because your husband emerges from the garage where he's been for the last 10 days, "working on the car".

 

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)

This month Jupiter positions himself so his ass-crack is visible in the night sky, blotting out your view of the moon and most of the western constellations. You feel this is his tribute to "Joe the Plumber", as well as all of the "little people" who can't quite fit into their low-rise jeans. The rise of "Joe the Plumber" as an icon for all the dim-witted, loud-talking Neanderthals who have been in charge of the United States for the last 8 years, seems to have caused a shift in the cosmos, finally causing even conservatives to question their judgment. Why it took an ass-crack to call into question their judgment after 8 years of watching another ass-crack in full obliteration mode is beyond you. Your inner community organizer emerges when you decide to start a movement to mandate belts on plumbers, cable TV repairmen and the guys who replace the water bottles at work.

 

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)

 

The 9th brings a pocket of surprise and a mild moment of horror when you notice a single eyebrow hair that seems to have abandoned all rules of eyebrows and has grown out to a remarkable length, far beyond what the average tweezer is used to dealing with. When your shaking hand lifts the little pincher to pull the offending piece out, you feel something akin to awe; or at least that awe you get when your body starts operating on its own, sprouting growths and blemishes without your permission or understanding. This thing is so long, you could hang wet laundry from it, no problem! You recover from your wonderment enough to pull the thing out and the 10th through the 23rd pass without fanfare until the 24th when a magnifying mirror reveals something even more amazing emerging from your nose.

 

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)

A trip is in your future as you impulsively decide to visit your family for Thanksgiving. Now that fuel prices have collapsed, the airlines have not lowered their fares but they are a lot nicer on the phone knowing that you can always go via Greyhound bus and are guaranteed better food and more attractive seat-mates. Delays are inevitable but your basic good nature gets you through the security line as: you watch the guy in front of you put his change in the bin one nickle at a time; the gate changes moving the departure from JFK to Newark; and the 16 hours on the tarmac, 14 of which involve waiting for a rather large woman to emerge from the lavatory. By the time you arrive in Cleveland, you discover that your parents relocated to Florida when they got tired of waiting for you. This means back to the airport and onto a new flight which gets you home in time for opening presents Christmas morning! (Your gifts, of course, are on their way to Pittsburgh.)

 

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)

 

Venus is in absolute hysterics when she moves into a position just above your bed and decides to influence your love life as well as offering comments on your choice of lovers. "This guy could stand to do a little more 'waxing' and a little less 'waning'!" she suggests from above, sort of breaking the mood. Much as you try to concentrate, Venus tugs at you, literally, at one point pulling you out from under some guy who feel asleep, leaving you not only unsatisfied but with a possible broken rib. You move your love-making to the living room couch in the hopes of finding some privacy, but Venus's power is everywhere this month, and she hovers above with some left-over Chinese food she found in your fridge. She drops hoisin sauce on a new guy causing him to stop right in the middle and decide he's hungry for Mu Shu Pork. You give up and put in an order for Sauteed String Beans; Venus asks for some Hot and Sour Soup.

 

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)

 

You are exuberant this month, now that a new star has appeared in the otherwise troubled Universe by way of the new American president and the hope and leadership he promises! Does this mean you might be able to get that flat screen TV you've been lusting after or upgrade your downstairs bathroom? Will you be able to get some cool spinning hubcaps on your car, or maybe a red washer-dryer? Suddenly these material objects become less important when you realize there are things to lust after besides car parts and Eric Bana. Truth, Justice and the American Way are suddenly not just punch lines, or comic book dialogue but real concepts that even Republicans can grasp. Your heart is soaring with the beauty of the ephemeral, but still you wonder if maybe you'll be able to get that cashmere sweater at Saks.

 

 

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)

 

Your warlike side emerges when Venus passes through the orbit of Mars, who guides you this month, and sideswipes the red planet, knocking his side view mirror right off and putting a scratch on his side panel. This makes Mars mad, especially since Venus apparently doesn't have any insurance, having let her Geico coverage expire when they stopped running those funny caveman commercials. Your mood gets worse as Mars and Venus argue over whose fault it is and whether they should call the intergalactic highway patrol, or take a chance on settling it themselves with an exchange of orbiting moons. This fury causes you to say something untoward to a guy who cuts in front of you at Whole Foods, resulting in a granola-based food fight and banishment to the end of the "green" line. You fume back there until up in the heavens Mars and Venus settle their dispute, floating off their separate ways, and suddenly you are practically giddy with happiness. At least until Venus backs into Mars on her way out of the Park 'n' Orbit.

 

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)

 

Happy Birthday to Leda, the Swan-Goddess of the Cosmos, whose beauty is not marred by the fact that she insists on wearing clothes that the Olsen twins have rejected as being "too weird". Leda is a Goddess who knows what she wants and how to get it, as long as they don't lower the credit limit on her Mastercard. From the 8th to the end of the month, she will have more invitations than she can handle, including one to a country-themed Bar Mitzvah, at which the men wear yarmulkes that look like tiny cowboy hats, which makes them all look like Stan Laurel from Laurel and Hardy. The more invitations you accept, lovely Leda, the better your chances of finding the right partner, whether for love, business or competitive air hockey. Your chances improve when you attend a Star Trek convention at which any female is a novelty and at which your outfit wins a prize in a competition you didn't even know you entered.

 

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)

 

Pluto, the non-planet, hovers over your sign, still trying to garner enough votes to get back on the planet roster, or at least the B team of orbiting moons. From the 5th through the 25th he annoys you with his insistence that he was unfairly let go, that he never got two weeks notice, and that his severance pay (which included some old Verizon satellites and the discarded booster rockets from Apollo 12) isn't enough for a dwarf star to live on, let alone an orbiting object the size of Pluto with a mortgage the size of the ever-expanding Sun. You sympathize since you have your own mortgage, which has evolved into a black hole, sucking every penny you make into its intractable maw. You and Pluto conspire to rent out your extra bedrooms, bringing temporary harmony to the Universe, as well as some rental income.

 

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)

 

This month your friends decide to confide in you with all manner of personal information that frankly, except for some of the sex stuff, you could do without. You're tired of hearing about their boring, unimaginative husbands, the screaming kids, the co-worker who doesn't appreciate them, the kitchen upgrade that's gone wrong, and the broken furnace. On the other hand, you kind of get off on tales of their trysts, the handcuffs that malfunctioned and what happened under the table at the fund-raiser. Try to take control of the conversation and direct it to the topics that appeal to you rather than getting caught up in all the mundane trivia they want you to sit through before they get to the good stuff. Remember: your time is precious, and your DVD player is broken.

 

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)

 

You find yourself handling a crisis at work, one that you didn't anticipate and has completely caught you off guard. You're in charge and your co-workers are looking to you for guidance. Draw your inspiration from the newest leader in the Political Universe: be calm, cool, collected and, if possible, tall, thin and black. If that doesn't work, be medium height, red-haired and have dentures. If all else fails, be slightly balding with a limp and a lazy eye. At the very least, they'll feel bad for you and let you go home early, since last month you were simply a brunette woman who could stand to lose 5 pounds.

 

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)

 

You've decided to plan a dinner party for 12 which requires the strategic planning of a military invasion. Come to think of it, those were the qualifications of the American Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin, who not only planned the engagement party for her pregnant daughter Willow, but simultaneously organized the covert invasion of Portland, Oregon which she recognized as a "hostile territory". In Palin's case, the invasion was a dismal failure when her troops were overcome by coffee fumes and forced to retreat, but the engagement party is looking good. As Sarah knows, pre-production is everything, and as long as you make stuff ahead (the appetizers and dessert) you should be OK. If you pull this off, you'll be hailed as a hero and also have established yourself as a viable candidate for Vice-President of the US in 2012.

 

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own)

 

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)

 

A close relative is acting weird and although weird in your family is actually normal, this stuff is over the top. He's decided to take up pottery-making which would be fine, except that instead of making those warped bowls everyone makes when they first start pottery classes, he's building an addition to his house, which for sure won't fit in the kiln, not to mention what a bitch it's going to be to glaze. This may be cause for a ceramic intervention, to which people bring all the clay mugs and bowls they've gotten from well-meaning friends over the years and smash them on the floor like at a Greek wedding, or like your next-door neighbor's house after they've had a few. It won't necessarily put a halt to his house-building obsession but at least you'll be rid of all your warped bowls. Lesson: hobbies are wonderful until they intersect with your neuroses, so never let the two end up in the same classroom.