ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19) Swimsuit season is coming so now's the time to book any surgery you had in mind before the summer! Jupiter may imply that you look fine the way you are, but have you seen Jupiter in a two-piece? Maybe you should listen instead to Mercury, a slimmer planet with a better surface.

 

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)

You were full of confidence and wisecracks last month and this month, you're going to pay for it. Your last heavenly cycle may have been all dining, dancing and shopping sprees, but this month you can look forward to odd rashes, facial hair and spider veins. You'll look great on the 7th however, but only for a little while in the morning.

 

 

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)

 

If you're still job-hunting, try being more creative with your search. Have you ever thought of being an accountant? I know, who has, but really? Or a window washer? Or the person who fixes the garbage disposal when some kid pours his sand castle from the beach along with cigarette butts and something that looks like a used condom down the kitchen drain? There are millions of opportunities out there and while you're searching, if you see a kid with a little yellow bucket, we'd like to talk to him.

 

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)

 

No one loves their family more than you but sometimes you just need a break. I don't mean a break with, like, shotgun shells flying, but just a little vacation away from the pettiness and backbiting and cross blaming and money-owing and guilting and baiting and nasty innuendos and comments about last year's Christmas tree and the way you drive. In fact, maybe it's about time you got your own place. What are you, like 45? C'mon pal, it's not cute anymore.

 

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22) Global warming is on your mind and not just because of that Thai food you had last night. It's the nine Category 5 hurricanes last year and the twenty-eight tornadoes a day this spring, and the heavy rains and mudslides in coastal areas and the chunks of the North Pole the size of Rhode Island dropping into the sea. Stop worrying! If you play this right, your inland property may soon become beachfront!

 

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) Pack your bags and get ready to go because a trip to the country is perfect the week of the 15th. The following week you may not want to leave home because the cable TV company said the guy was going to show up sometime between Monday and the following Monday, maybe, and bring that little connector which is the only thing keeping you from getting HBO. The end of the month brings a large flock of Canadian geese to your yard so don't put away your snow shovel just yet!

 

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) This is a good month for large purchases like a car, a portable generator or that face cream they're shilling at Macy's for around $150 a jar for 2 ounces. Mid-size purchases, like toaster ovens and blenders should be put off until next month, when Saturn gets over its nervous condition. Wait until after the 18th to make little purchases like band-aids, stamps and the new People Magazine. If you want to buy that pretty blouse you saw, you have 8 minutes on the 9th, between 4:30 and 4:38pm. Not because of any astrological conditions but just because you want to catch the saleslady before she goes out for a smoke.

 

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)

You're having trouble concentrating lately. Your mind just seems to wander and you can't finish simple tasks. Could you be in love? Is that fluttery feeling in your stomach the harbinger of a spring romance? Could be! It could also be an infection from your ingrown toenail, so before you go overboard with the humming to yourself and smiling at strangers, you might want to check in with a good dermatologist.

 

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)

Family and social obligations are making it impossible to stick to your diet. You get the feeling that your Aunt Dolly wants you to stay fat just so she can ask you every single time she sees you if you've lost weight, and then she can shake her head in sympathy when you say "oh, a little, I think." There is only one thing to do which is to take the ice cream sandwiches, blueberry blintzes and carrot cake out of your freezer, and put Aunt Dolly in.

 

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)

You feel overwhelmed by the number of soap operas that are on every afternoon, and can't stop feeling that you should stay home all day and just watch TV. You find yourself canceling events in your real life to see what April and Randy are doing about the surrogate who murdered Randy's ex and his now carrying Tricia's twins. There is a way out of these dark feelings and its name is Tivo.

 

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)

A message arrives from afar and changes things for you in a way you never expected. It will result in your having to spend time with a cross section of humanity and to make decisions about a complete stranger's future. Contact with members of the legal profession is inevitable and perhaps amusing. Some might call it a sign, but others will simply call it a subpoena.

 

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)Tuesdays this month will be important for you in ways you won't understand until Wednesdays. That will of course make Wednesdays in their own way, even more important than Tuesdays because what happens on Tuesdays won't make any sense and you won't know how to take advantage until Wednesday. That of course will suck and will most likely cause you to stay in bed for a good portion of the month.

 

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own)

 

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)

 

This month you'll feel especially frisky. On the 9th you won't be able to resist tipping your coffee over onto your co-worker's computer. Don't do it, because on the 14th, he's going to have an urge to open a jar of honey into your pencil cup. On the 24th you'll want to open packets of Sweet and Low into his suit jacket pockets and on the 29th you'll decide you want to see what he looks like when he drinks out of his water bottle you just filled with Vodka. Is this the beginnings of an office romance or a stint at the local mental health clinic? We'll see next month