ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

Ah December! The month that we love to love and love to hate and hate to love and every combination of love and hate and adhesive tape imaginable to the human brain. Try to ignore the pressure from the ads and the TV series that always seem to decorate their sets better than you ever could, with glittering garlands of live mistletoe twining the banister (you not only don't have a banister you're not 100% sure you'd recognize one if you saw one), and a seven foot tall tree that doesn't list to the side, nor die the morning after you drag it home. Be of good cheer - it only comes once a year, even though it seems like it lasts for 3 months.

 

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)

K-Mart, Wal-Mart, Food-Mart and Clothes-Mart look to be where Juno will be doing all her holiday shopping this month, even though you've been saving all year since last year's debacle (when you got your kid the wrong Guitar-Playing Simulation Game because what the hell could possibly be the difference??). This year, you had it all planned out: having put $500 smackers a month into your "can't lose" Christmas Mutual Fund, and watched it blossom until just about October when it disappeared into the vast solar system. Take solace from the fact that you are not alone: the rest of the world is broke too, except for rich people, who continue to have the inside track to, well, money. Take advantage of the discount sale that's going on at your local bank, recently renamed The Money Mart 'cause all the money in there is half-price.

 

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)

 

This month is filled with family get-togethers which are bearable as long as Uncle Dave doesn't show up, but you can thwart his always-awkward presence by just telling him you are going away for the Holidays and in fact, the foreseeable future as you and your husband are moving to Arizona. You don't actually have to move, that's the beauty of this ploy and when he sees you at Applebee's in January just act totally surprised like you forgot to tell him you never went anywhere and that's why he didn't get a Christmas card postmarked from Tucson like you promised. This will only work two years in a row before he starts to get suspicious. Then you can start telling him you're moving to Tampa.

 

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)

Lovely Diana is always happy for the Holiday season because you get to pull out all those great outfits you've bought over the years in anticipation of being asked to attend glittering galas, swanky soirees, Oscar parties and Ozzie Osbourne's annual all-you-can-ingest Freak-A-Thon. Of course since you know no one with tickets or connections, and your friends are all planning to ask someone else, your obsessive collection of little black dresses, pouf-hemmed ball gowns and off-the-shoulder silk slips has been mostly in vain. But your persistent hopefulness is what makes you so pathe… er, adorable! Your closest confidant this month will be Venus, as she watches over you with compassion and also in the hopes that, should you get lucky, she can join you as your "plus-one".

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)

 

This month brings a big decision for you: you want to go to grad school! Finally, after weeks of intense thought on the subject, you know this is the right choice. Law, business, medicine, psychology, or, God help you: Dentistry; you'll go anywhere they'll accept you, you don't give a flying fart - you just want to get out of this scratching, clawing, mosh pit of a job market ASAP and back to the warm womb of academia where you don't really have to do anything and still you get the benefits of discussing your career plans as if you actually had some. Christmas goes better than expected after you tell everyone you just want cash to pay for your "books".

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)

 

The last month of the year is always so sweet as blended families come together to celebrate some hybrid of Hanukah, Christmas and Kwanzaa, along with a few other cultural celebrations whose names you can't spell and find hard to understand because they don't know the value of a vodka-infused punch or a well-spiked eggnog. You've finally come to terms with your significant other on where to put the Christmas tree in relation to the Menorah and if the presents get opened in the early morning hours (when it's so much better in every way) or Christmas eve, which totally sucks and wrecks everything and gets you out of the mood and that includes sex if he doesn't let you have your way about opening presents Christmas morning. As far as you're concerned, Peace on Earth is possible, if only all the nations of the world would get together and agree to open their presents on Christmas day!

 

 

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)

 

You must have done something right since your boss put you in charge of planning the Holiday party and has given you free reign on where it's to take place, the music to play, the drinks to serve and the entertainment. This would be a lot cooler if he'd also given you some money, but that troubles you not, since Persephone is nothing if not imaginative and knows how a couple bottles of Jagermeister and a cleverly worded ad on "Craig's List" can get you all the entertainment you can handle. Make sure the venue you rent has walls that can be hosed off, or completely replaced if necessary.

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)

 

For some people, the end of the year brings good cheer and warm feelings, but for you and your single girlfriends it simply means, "What the hell am I doing New Year's Eve, and is there any chance I'll need a condom?" Getting through Christmas is one thing, but the dread of the last day of the year and the crisis it always entails is a horror unlike any they've yet to put on screen and I'm including all the "Saw" movies as well as "Alien" which was pretty friggin' scary. It always ends up being a choice between spending the evening with sympathetic married friends (who inevitably get in a fight over whether they needed such an expensive corkscrew) or your family (who assure you that at least they love you), or going to a party with Trish, who usually ends up making out with some 22-year old bartender who you had your eye on, dammit. Don't be such a Grinch; give Trish the condom.

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)

 

Merry Christmas to you, Echo, and let us not forget: Happy Birthday! Yes, there's no getting away from it, this month brings two holidays back to back that are extra-special to you because you know you're only going to get one present on either Christmas or your Birthday, instead of two completely separate presents like everyone else whose parents held off having sex until May. Once again you'll find out for sure who your friends are and who is a cheap jerk and who is going to try once again that old trick of "forgetting" your birthday and "making it up to you" at Christmas, even though they never do and you get the same present you would have gotten anyway, and it's some dumb thing like slippers or a book by Deepak Chopra. Mars has a strategy for you: tell people you're not celebrating Christmas this year, just your birthday. Then, at Christmas, pretend you forgot what you said. Works every time.

 

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)

 

Your long-time boyfriend has something special planned for you this month, and for once it has nothing to do with the video camera. He's been waiting for the exact right moment to ask you something and his anticipation of this question should only be matched by your own. This is the grand query that men all the world over, from every culture, from every socio-economic strata; from Kings and Princes to the lowliest Radio Shack employee, face with trepidation and fear. Women wait for this question with an expectation that comes from years of knowledge passed down from the very beginnings of time, from the tales shared with them by their peers and stories that are part of world history. And that question, dear Pandora, has something to do with you, him, your roommate Beth, and a can of Reddi-Whip.

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)

 

December's upcoming holiday parties and Christmas gatherings give talented Psyche an opportunity to show off her skills in the kitchen and we don't mean with the Swifter Mop. 'Tis the season to try out new recipes and impress friends and family with the meals you can whip up with that don't involve canned soup or frozen corn. Whether the crowd you're serving enjoys fish or fowl, seared steak or spreadable Marmite, there are festive recipes to suit every taste bud as long as you read the recipe carefully and don't forget the difference between Cayenne and Cinnamon even though they do look awfully alike. Also, don't forget that the oven is most useful when it's on, and that some things just shouldn't be "jellied".

 

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)

 

Phoebe is being closely monitored by Saturn this month, not as part of a court order, but as part of the starry Universe's program of fiscal responsibility. Apparently Phoebes have taken out a disproportionate number of sub-prime horoscopes which have resulted in an astrological meltdown of such devastating impact that Phoebes for the next foreseeable future will have to share with her contiguous signs, Psyche and Thalia if she wants to know what's going on next month. The Cosmos feels sure that there will be more and more of these constellatory forfeitures, leading to fewer and shorter horoscopes for all the other months, and finally, to no predictions at all. This will lead to lay-offs in the Horoscope field and eventually people will simply have to rely on crystal balls and fortune cookies to plan their lives. Why no one in the prognostication fields predicted any of this is one of the Universe's eternal mysteries (and should not affect our year end bonuses).

 

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own)

 

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)

 

The end of the year will be climactic for Thalia in a way that will match the fireworks on New Year's Eve in scale and sensation if not in audience size and noise (although her downstairs neighbors might disagree). For whatever reason, December ratchets up the intensity of every relationship, be it between mother and daughter, father and son, two best friends, or you and your hairdresser who, once again, has cut your bangs too short; no matter what the relationship, sparks will fly around the holidays. It's up to Thalia to make sure things remain under control, especially if she's having a holiday party at which a bunch of other Thalia's will be gathering along with their boyfriends in a two-bedroom apartment with doors that are coated with so many layers of paint, they don't really close all the way. Thalia insists everyone have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, even if it kills you.