ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

Athena gets a surprise today when she pees on a stick and discovers that her life for the next nine months will be turned on its side! She realizes she won't be shopping for size 8 pants in the near future (nor should she have in the recent past since she's actually a size 14), nor will she be having much sex nor driving fast, smoking or riding horses, or using a pogo stick to get to work. She will have to give up bike riding and pole vaulting, as well as all those limbo contests she's got lined up. Why is that? Because she's going to be arrested for "public indecency" for peeing on a stick in a public park, arguing with the judge over the real crime of disgusting porto-potties, at which point the judge will cite her for contempt and sentence her to 9 months in local lockdown. The moral being, bring the stick inside if you want to pee on it.

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) The first few days of a new job are always difficult but in your case particularly so as you are the only person in North America who's been able to get one. Presently there are about 15,000 people standing outside the building, some with actual torches (even though it's 9am on a sunny day in Midtown Manhattan), pounding on the glass doors in an attempt to gain entry, tear you limb from limb, and on their way out, with your head on a pike, hand their resumes to HR for your recently vacated position. This certainly makes it hard to concentrate, but shouldn't keep you from finishing that report, as long as you're well-armed and close to the "Panic Room".

 

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) This month brought the Golden Globe awards and Aphrodite's realization that she can't possibly drag herself to see any of the movies that were nominated because they all feature Kate Winslet, who dropped in A's estimation when she told Leo DeCaprio at the Globes awards dinner, in front of hundreds of her peers, that she loved him desperately; that she wanted to make love to him right now, and in fact thought his penis was a little bigger than her husband's who was in fact, sitting next to Leo. What kind of example does that set for the newlyweds in the audience who have between 6 and 8 weeks left on their marriage contracts and who are trying to time their own divorce announcements so as to take best advantage of the Oscar buzz? You've already cornered the market on actual film work, Kate, so let some other people get first dibs on the divorce circuit!

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)

You are likely to be a bit emotional this month because those folic acid capsules you thought you were taking are actually progesterone (another reason why most people never reuse bottles as they pointed out to you when you went into the free clinic and gave a urine sample in a bathroom adjoining the one where the guys were giving semen samples). At any rate, this explains why you are in a fight with your boss, your best friend, your boyfriend, and the dry cleaner, and why the kids on the block voted you "best witch" on Halloween, as well as on Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and it's looking good for President's Day.

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)The dozens of post-it notes on your computer, your bathroom mirror and the side of your nightstand don't seem to be helping you with either your memory or your self-esteem as was your intention in planting them all over the place. In fact, the positive and helpful affirmations they offer are in general ignored by you and, like George Costanza, you find yourself doing the opposite. So like when one says: "Try hard", it's just your nature to lie down and start watching TV. And when the post-it says "Believe in yourself," you have a tendency to believe in the Ghost of Sleepy Hollow. And when the post-it says, "No more peanut M&Ms!" you head over to the drug store and invest in one of those 20 pound packs the size of a bag of dog kibble. A solution might be to post one post-it note that says: "If you weren't reading this post-it, you'd have a life by now!"

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) You feel like you're living in a Twilight Zone episode in that all the houses on your block seem to be vacant. The last time you saw another living soul it was only because they took a wrong turn and ended up on your street because their GPS hadn't been updated with the existence of your new development. For a few months it was so much fun as each house had a great yard sale before they packed all the rest of their belongings in a little red wagon intending to move into the high school gym. But now it's just you and your lawn and the crickets at night and an occasional coyote in the distance. Venus says, embrace the Twilight Zone feeling - in fact, the next time someone takes a wrong turn and appears in your driveway looking for directions, invite them in, with many sidelong glances and a strange, creepy laugh as you slowly close the door. You can call your episode, "Foreclosure On A Rainy Afternoon".

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) Something big's going on at work. People have been walking in and out of the boss's office all morning, and every time they go in, it's like they're scared and every time they come out, it's like they're depressed. Something like this happened last year when the boss invited people in one at a time to show them slides from his trip to Cancun, but you sense there's something different this time. Uh oh, your phone is buzzing. It's the boss. Quick, run to the bathroom! Wait, the bathroom's full of your cowering co-workers, try the big refrigerator in the cafeteria! If that's full too, you should head home and call in sick. You might want to repeat this ploy into early 2010, when the economy improves.

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)

For some reason, Leda has an urge to dress up like a total slut and go slumming at the local dive, trolling for traveling salesmen! Go for it, girl! Who are we to judge? If this month brings a desire to wear a crop top with a stuffed bra and a pair of hot pants with thigh high boots, well lovely Leda, that's your choice and we applaud you. And not only do we applaud you, but the entire construction site on 5th and Main is also applauding and in fact has given you a standing ovation. So too are several of the guys at the bus stop showing their appreciation, as well as the firemen who have decided to forgo the big conflagration at the church to circle around one more time and gawk. Just be aware, dear Leda, that even as we're applauding you, we're also thinking, "God, what a total slut!"

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)

Your schedule is so packed this month you barely have time for yourself which means your personal hair growth is going to make you look like Chia pet in no time flat. We all know how a woman's responsibilities can sometimes interfere with her personal grooming but your inability to keep your leg hair shorn is causing problems in the bedroom when your lover complains that he's having trouble untangling himself from your shins when he has to get up for work. This in itself wouldn't be so bad, if he hadn't already tripped over your eyebrows on his way to the bathroom. Get thee to a pair of tweezers before he finds out how you've been stuffing the "feather" pillows.

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)This month Pandora is distracted by thoughts of her current lover! Or perhaps it's not an actual lover but simply someone with whom you have an upcoming date. Or we're not completely sure, it could even be some non-viable guy you have a crush on like the gas station attendant, or the IT guy at work. Or perhaps it's not an actual guy but a picture of some celebrity, or if not that, then some cute guy's avatar on line, or even an avatar your nieces invented for the Wii. At any rate, your thoughts are filled with images of men and sex or what you remember about sex and it's making it difficult to complete the grant proposal you're writing for matching funds for the school lab. Language like, "We predict a 30% increase in wet warmth embracing your erection" is probably not going to get you a new set of Bunsen burners. Take a cold shower (and do NOT use the hand-held spray).

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)

Psyche has a birthday sometime this month and she's feeling particularly grateful for all she's been given over the years. It's not like she wouldn't want a new pair of silk pajamas, or a perhaps a nice piece of jewelry that wasn't totally fake or turned green after a few months, and of course she wouldn't turn down a dinner at an expensive restaurant with napkins that weren't paper and plates that didn't have happy faces. And as much as she gives silent thanks for her friends and family and her good health, she does occasionally cast glances at the Jaguar XKE that her girlfriend got from HER husband and sort of wonders what it would be like to go to Hawaii instead of Cincinnati for vacation. But overall, things are good and she is happy but if she doesn't get at least a lousy $8 box of chocolates on or about the 16th, it's going to get ugly.

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) Mars is getting up his nerve to break the news to you that an exploding yellow star just swallowed up your car radio and the box of quarters you kept in the glove compartment for the meter. It's true that it's unusual for a astronomical event to involve breaking and entering but not when you park your car in front of a strip joint in the meat packing district. Mars thinks that it might have been due to the full moon which not only affects the earthly tides and the moods of many, but also the ability of pulsating stellar orbs to see that you forgot to lock the front passenger door. It just goes to show that being an incendiary globe doesn't mean you don't have a rap sheet.

 

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)

 

 

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)

Although astrological foresight can tell you a lot, there's nothing like opening a recent mutual fund statement to really predict your future! This month it seems obvious that you won't be taking that Caribbean vacation you were counting on this summer, nor even the trip to Cleveland to see your new niece. In fact, it will difficult this month and next to pay the mortgage without cringing, and why is it your cell phone bills have gotten so damn expensive? You have new insight into the future and sense that someone close to you will be losing their job, that another hedge fund asshole will be found guilty of a Ponzi scheme and that you won't be able to arrange financing for your kid's braces. In addition, you will have to forgo getting the roof repaired. On the bright side, you no longer need to rely on your horoscope to tell you what you should and shouldn't be doing, since you won't be doing anything that involves money until 2010.