ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

 

All this talk about Nutcrackers and Sugarplums has you visualizing a bad porno movie wherein Santa Claus has an enormous “gift” that he and his “elves” want to “give” you.  His “elves” are like the short guys that inevitably ask you for your number at Speed Dating events, only the elves’ green suits fit better and they have better bodies.  This is a vision brought on by too much Christmas mall-music, and not one you ever wanted to hold in your head, having grown up with the idea that Santa was a genderless old man (sort of the way you look at your gyno).  Perhaps use this vision to “release” some of that “holiday tension”, in the privacy of your bedroom of course.

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)

 

The 10 th through the 31 st bring a series of parties that call for some new clothes!  Off you go to the mall to find the perfect outfit for an evening of drinks and chatter.  How to compete when everyone is much better off than you, and wears stuff made out of linen and silk and your outfits tend to be made of fireproof polyester?  Try to buy something that flatters you even with the tags still hanging from it (for when you return it the next day).  One of the catering crew makes a pass at you, increasing both your self-esteem and the number of little hotdogs you can take.

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)

 

Your friend, who joined a choir that required no auditions, nor even the ability to differentiate a piano from a snare drum, has asked you to attend her “Holiday Concert”.  Not only is the concert the night of a really good party but it’s in the basement of a church with folding metal chairs and spotty heating.  On top of that, it costs $25, or $24 if you buy early.  Now comes your own annual holiday tradition you like to call “Evaluation of the Friendships”, during which you determine whether or not this friend is “worth it”, either in terms of a gift, or attending her stupid concert.  Think before you make your decision: does she have a house on the beach?  A cute brother?  Tickets to see Sting?  Every friendship comes with trade-offs.  Risk/Reward; that’s what Christmas is all about!

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)

 

Your apartment building’s recent conversion from rental to condo was all well and good when you were reaping all the benefits, like hot water and an elevator that went up.  But recently, you notice that the scary characters who used to loiter in the lobby (one of which was an old boyfriend) were replaced with uniformed doorman.  Striped pant legs!  Gold braid at the shoulder!  It’s like a Disney movie!  But now, with Christmas approaching, you realize these 8 guys are not just Toy Soldiers, but men with jobs that depend heavily on tips.  How are you going to tip these guys and still pay rent this month?  Initiate whispered conversations in the elevator with fellow tenants (“What are you giving?”) until you find someone cheaper than you and you’ll find your answer.  Just for the fun of it, roll your eyes and look appalled when your neighbor confides in you.  It makes you look generous without actually doing anything.  Just like your sister-in-law!

 

 DEMETER - the Condom Bearer  (July 23-August 22)

 

On your way “O’er the river and through the woods, to Grandmother’s house we go”, your friggin’ Buick Skylark gets stuck in the snow because your husband forgot to put the chains on.  So now there you are with two kids in the back, both of whom have to go to the bathroom, and an ice-cream cake which is melting on your lap.  You didn’t bring your cel phone since your husband said he was bringing his, and of course, being an idiot, he forgot to charge it, and it’s got one bar and the bar is waving goodbye.  Now’s the time when you muster your great sense of humor (the one you’re always assuring people you have) and remind everyone in the car what a funny story this will be if you get out alive.  If the kids start crying at this point, pull all the presents out of the trunk and celebrate Christmas in the car while you wait to be rescued.  It will be a joyous memory! if you get out alive.

 

 VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)

 

“Uh oh,” you think, at your next-door-neighbor’s party, “…is this egg nog or turkey gravy?”  It’s not polite to gag, nor especially to spit the contents of one’s mouth into the fireplace, especially around the Holidays, no matter what your faith.  It may be prudent to go to the bar and leave the rest of your drink, or you may opt to be imprudent and add a couple shots of Mad Dog (and perhaps invent a new holiday beverage!).  When you have your choice of punch bowls (and when was the last time you even saw a punch bowl?), always opt for the red one, which might be Sangria, or Cranberry Martinis, or perhaps Long Island Ice Tea, any one of which will get you out of driving home and make talking to the Star Wars characters mingling at this event hugely entertaining.

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day  (September 23-October 23)

 

The winter snow makes you feel a bit melancholy; you’re susceptible to SAD, which some people call Seasonal Affective Disorder but you’ve renamed Stupendous Appetite for Doughnuts.  Something about the cold weather makes you crave something hot and something sweet, which means heading over to Dunkin’ Donuts every morning for a large coffee and one of those glazed twists.  There you join a long line of other women, from every walk of life, all here for comfort and joy in the way of either a glazed cruller or one with sprinkles.  At this rate, the holiday dinners, sugar cookies and candy canes are going to be a drop in the bucket; the bucket being your new size 18 pants.

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)

 

It’s starting to feel like Christmas comes 3 times a year instead of just once; you still haven’t paid off your credit card from last December and here we go again.  You feel like you have more nieces and nephews than is fair, especially since your brothers keep marrying new women and having more children; you’re not even sure if these new kids are related to you.  If so, all they’re getting is a gift card from Radio Shack, even if they’re newborns.  On the other hand, if you get one more flannel nightgown “from the folks in Cleveland” you’re going to join a cult.  That expression “It’s the thought that counts” is only true when you’re wealthy and that “thought” comes with something expensive that at least you can regift.

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)

 

It’s your birthday this month Echo, and good things are coming your way!  Unfortunately they’ll be in the form of an overturned Toys-R-Us truck on Interstate 95, but the delays will enable you to miss the awkward toasts in which your age is brought up again and again.  The fact that you’re a year older and looking as good as you do has as much to do with your kind spirit and joie de vivre as the dermabrasion which you suffered through in November so you could have a rosy complexion for New Year’s Eve.  If you’re home for the holidays, don’t do anything on your birthday that you can’t explain over Christmas dinner to your parents.

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)

 

Well it’s only December 9 th and you’ve already been circling the mall parking lot for 3 days looking for someplace to park.  You’re hoping to get something close to the Gap before December 17 th when you’re scheduled to leave town.  At this point, purchasing gifts is the least of your objectives; you simply want to get a parking spot before that bitch in the blue Toyota who you keep almost running into in Aisle 6D.  Due to the fact that so many shoppers are out here also driving around in circles - some since last year - Mall security has been supplemented with food vendors and Holly-Jolly porta-potties.

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)

 

‘Tis the season to be jolly, especially at your office Christmas party which is going to be a modest affair compared to two years ago when Rocky Martino got so drunk he fell into the paper recycling bin and no one noticed until January 3 rd.  But it will still be a happy affair, in fact two of them that you know of:  your boss and his secretary and the IT gal and the guy who restocks the water cooler.  These parties are a way to see your coworkers in a different light: drunk and copulating on top of the copier, as opposed to drunk and throwing darts at the growth chart in the conference room.  Don’t hang back; your coworkers think you’re a bit reserved.  Now’s your chance to show them you’re just as likely to fall into the paper recycling bin as any of them!

 

  PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)

 

From the 9 th through the 24 th, you’re likely to get a gift from any number of people you don’t really like or even know very well, which leads to that holiday dilemma: what to give to someone you don’t want to give a gift to, in the face of not having enough money to even get gifts for the people you want to get gifts for?  This is an issue no matter whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa.  People of every faith and creed will search for answers everywhere this season: in houses of worship on Sundays, at Ikeas on Saturdays, and as they look for that last piece of roast beef in the back of the refrigerator on Tuesday around midnight.  What to get these people??  This is why fruitcake was invented, really.  If you have ever gotten fruitcake around the holidays, it was because that person didn’t know what to get you, or didn’t like you and wanted never to hear from you again.  If this was your Aunt, or your parents, I hate to break it to you.

 

 Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)

 

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)

 

Between the 11 th and the 23rd you will be absolutely pulling your hair out after having tried to wrap some damn gift that doesn’t conform to any box on the face of the planet.  This thing – it could be a toy sailboat, a guitar, Tiger Woods’ golf clubs (he won’t be needing them anymore), or an armadillo – is the last of the gifts to be packed up and shipped, but you simply will not be able to find a box for it.  The only way to handle this is to crack the thing over your knee and stuff the pieces in some random box with wet newspaper and when it’s received on the other end, you can get all indignant and offer to sue the Post Office.  This trick works in so many ways, we’re reluctant to share it.  Consider it our Holiday Gift to you!