ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

 

It's the season for graduation ceremonies and everyone's thinking about the future.  You, on the other hand, are way too concerned with

making sure you put enough quarters in the meter.  Try to take the

long view, and no we don't mean "how am I going to get up from this

table since my leg's fallen asleep."

 

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)

 

If it's money you're after, you're in luck this month!  It's going to

rain down on you like a silver waterfall when a small child throws

your purse out a second floor window.  You'll be showered with dollar

bills like confetti when that same child rips your paper money into

tiny pieces, and out the window they go too!

 

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)

 

The 5th, 6th and 7th will bring love to your life, along with a bill

for $81.25 from Con Edison.   Open your heart and let the joy flow in

but don't forget your day-to-day responsibilities.  You may be tempted

to pay the electric bill with love and joy, but they generally prefer

a check.

 

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)

 

A big shock comes your way mid-month when you get a look at your butt

in the three-way mirror at the Gap.  Don't worry, you're not alone;

the other shoppers aren't even coming out of their dressing rooms, and

in fact are trying on clothes with their eyes shut.  Spring is all

about renewed commitment to diet and exercise and praying that you

don't have to put on shorts until the fall.

 

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)

 

Your significant other is starting to bug you in a way that makes the

sound of someone throwing aluminum siding into a wood chipper

appealing by comparison.  You need to talk to your partner and come to

terms with whatever has been left unsaid.  If your partner still

refuses to come clean, remind him or her that there's a wood chipper

right outside that's eventually going to be available.

 

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)

 

Last month you stayed home waiting for the cable guy to show up.  What

a lesson in patience that was!  And did he ever come?  No!  The moral

of the story:  maybe you're watching too much television and perhaps

you ought to spend more time with your family.  Or maybe the moral is

that you ought to get satellite TV.   Don't ask us, we're still trying

to figure out what the hell Vonage is.

 

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)

 

The 15th through the 22nd are the best days to sign up for continuing

education classes, even though the flyer said open enrollment ends

after the 14th.  Timing is everything and as we always say, sometimes

it's better to go with your heart instead of the calendar, as long as

he wears a condom.

 

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)

 

This month has a friend of yours giving you such a incredibly juicy

piece of gossip you can't believe it.  It's about a mutual friend of

the two of yours who you used to like but who started dating some

idiot who thinks he's an artist and now she's become as insufferable

as he is.  Gossip is bad.  Bad, Bad, Bad.  So if you tell us what she

said, we absolutely promise not to pass it along.

 

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)

 

A new project is starting to show signs of progress!  It might be the

new house you're building, or a kitchen you're renovating, or perhaps

it's just that the upstairs toilet clog is showing signs of clearing.

Everything will go along really well until about the 26th, at which

time the progress will come to a standstill which is to be expected

when you're building a house or renovating a kitchen, but really a

big, big disappointment when you're waiting for the toilet to unclog.

Just hope you're the one with the new house.

 

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)

 

Jupitor appears to be growing a new red spot which is nothing next to

that thing on your back.  It's as if the Universe is mocking your new,

expensive sloughing soap that's supposed to make your skin smooth and

your complexion more radiant.   Mars and Venus feel you should go back

to the Nivea skin cream, while Saturn and the moon are pulling for Oil

of Olay.  When did the Universe sign a product placement deal?

 

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)

 

Your boss has been on your case all week about stuff that's not your

fault and that you had nothing to do with.  The photocopier is

constantly jammed and no one ever washes out the coffee pot.  Someone

is always throwing your salad away on the very day you remember it's

in the fridge.  The bathroom sink looks like someone bathed a child in

it and if you get the stall with paper, you're lucky.   Don't sweat

the small stuff, because on the 29th or the 30th it looks like they're

shutting down your branch.

 

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)

 

At the end of the week you will have an encounter with a person who

makes you happy.  You have a feeling some sort of pattern is emerging,

and that perhaps this person is someone to cultivate, since they bring

a smile to your face every single time you see them.  Could it be that

this person is "the one"?  Your true love?  Or is it that they just

deliver the paychecks?  Imagine this certain someone naked, without

the paychecks, and then see how you feel.

 

 

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own)

 

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)

 

You need to clear the air and we don't mean with Glade air freshener,

although, really, think about the rest of us, will ya?   This month is

Find Osama Bin Laden Month during which the United States government

will put down their golf clubs, fishing rods and shot guns and get

back to work!  No more shooting each other in the face: for an hour

and a half on the 22nd, you can expect some real progress as the

American National Guard scours the Mexican border for signs of Al

Quaeda.