ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

 

Athena loves classical music in theory; she just doesn’t like to listen to it nor attend concerts that feature it. This makes her feel like a philistine, especially since she started dating a classical pianist who she told she “loved Ashkenazy’s early work” after she heard someone say it in a Woody Allen film. As far as Athena is concerned, Ashkenazy could be a new dermabrasion technique; this is how little she knows about piano music. But this guy is really cute and has a great body for a musician and the combination is too much for Athena to resist and so she has lied herself into a classical corner. If he was a guy with a “baby grand” instead of a “concert grand” maybe she could have walked away. As long as he has an “upright” however, she is hooked.

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)This month, a stock market crash erases Juno’s gains from the last year, just when she was beginning to feel like she might be able to retire when she was in her early 90s. She never seems to time the buy/sell system correctly, unless one is trying to buy high and sell low, at which she has been a total success. She has managed to enter the stock market every time it has climbed to new highs, selling everything just as the market hits rock bottom and begins to recover. If she knew how to “short” sales, or “hedge” her positions (she thought “hedging” meant to waffle between fries and a side salad), she’d be a gazillionaire, and in fact, the NASDAQ is thinking of designing an algorithm based on the consistency of her bad choices. Next month, the market recovers just after Juno gives up and sells the last of her Microsoft.

 

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) The 9th through the 23rd brings a load of work that Aphrodite is not sure she can handle. It comes in the form of additional loads of laundry due to a new boyfriend who never met a clean, dry towel he couldn’t soak and then throw on the bed. This guy is visiting from Seattle where things like jobs and deadlines are simply concepts imposed by the east coast establishment to crush the spirit of the enlightened. Needless to say, this guy works at a coffee shop, and not even a Starbucks which, even in Seattle he finds too totalitarian. How did Aphrodite get mixed up with this joker? Well first of all, she has a weakness for an excellent cappuccino, which explains a little, but really what hooked her was his way with those foam peaks.

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22) Diana’s unique sense of humor sets her apart from the average girl. She’s not afraid to laugh long and loud, even when there are cute boys around or patients in the intensive care unit who are trying to get some sleep. She’s always the life of the party, or at least the center of attention, as people tend to gather in wary clusters a few yards away from where Diana’s yucking it up with such abandon. She laughs with such total physicality some people wonder how she can be so full of joy and also, is there a chance she’s going to hurt herself or possibly break a lamp or something, and shouldn’t we clear things away in case this is, in fact, a seizure? Don’t let them get you down, Diana – laugh all you like, just make sure you don’t inhale the olive in your, or anyone else’s martini.

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22 Mother’s Day has come and gone but this year, Demeter scored big! Every year she faces this day with a mixture of hope and dread, since every Mother’s Day since she was 14, she has attempted to buy her mother’s affection with just the right flower arrangement, box of candy, or perfume. And every year, as she reveals this perfect offering, she receives from her mother a look of… resignation. Well this year the reaction was so perfect, that the rest of May will be a pleasure. Little did Demeter know that her mother had been waiting all these years for a 22-tone harmonica! Relations between Demeter and her mother improve further when, on the 20th, Demeter’s mother asks her to join a bluegrass band.

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) Saturn signals to Vesta that it is as important to feel good on the inside as the outside. This means doing good works and helping others as well as scheduling a colonoscopy. From the 18th to the 19th, Vesta runs the gamut from feeling like absolute crap to feeling fantastic. This is due to the hideous colonoscopy prep being on the 18th and the wonderful “twilight” drug recovery on the 19th. Vesta also very much enjoys the cookies she gets in the recovery room and wonders why her husband never brings her cookies, nor even lets her order dessert at a restaurant. He is certainly not helping her feel very good on the inside since he seems to be making a subtle comment about her outside, which makes her want to kill him on the inside. Saturn suggests she lets the Demerol wear off before making any rash decisions.

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) Persephone has better luck this month with the washer-dryer in the basement of her apartment building. In the past, the washer has either not gotten the clothes clean, or made the whites gray or spun the clothes into knots that she had to use her teeth to undo. The dryer has been a complete other nightmare, melting her bras, or tying all the legs of her jeans together or managing to bag all the underwear into a fitted sheet bundle which comes out just damp enough that she has to hang everything on the chairs in her apartment to dry. But May will be a joy in terms of laundry, with all the cotton shirts tossed to a crisp dryness that negates the need to iron; sweet-smelling sheets, and blue jeans that shrink so slightly they don’t induce panic. This would all be great if laundry was the only thing going on in Persephone’s life. Try to stay in the laundry room until the 26th.

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21) The 11th through the 15th brings a new romance into Leda’s life, one that requires kindness, mutual respect, and light bondage. Her new guy would like her to tie him up, and we don’t mean with appointments. He’s interested in leather and rope and padded handcuffs, none of which go with Leda’s newly painted walls (Lemonade!). It’s always better to get to know a guy before you invite him into your bedroom, particularly if he’s wearing chaps. The 16th brings a night of yelling from the bedroom, not due to any kind of pleasure but because Leda’s lover has his elbow on her hair and she rolls over, resulting in a large patch of her hair being pulled out at the roots, which her lover assures her was not part of the game plan. With this kind of rough love-making the judicious use of a hairnet is highly recommended.

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21 )An invitation to a party makes Echo anxious. What is it about parties that make Echo nervous and unable to generate the slightest bit of intelligent conversation? You’re not alone Echo; we all are subject to shyness in crowds, particularly this kind of hip, “downtown” gathering wherein everyone is an artist, or a musician, or a chimney sweep. All the people here seem to know each other and be laughing at inside jokes and taking inside drugs that make them hilarious to each other but not to anyone who might want to get past them to the hors d’ouevres. Just be yourself Echo, or perhaps be Angelina Jolie; they won’t recognize you tomorrow anyway.

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19) Mars, the God of War and, coincidentally, the planet in charge of human relationships, manages to get Pandora on a school committee to plan the fourth grade end-of-year fair. Pandora is all about cooperation but not with that bitch-on-wheels Margaret who has nothing good to say about anyone’s ideas but her own. Pandora suggests an outdoor event with races and a dunking cage, but Margaret wants a swap meet where everyone brings the old clothes they couldn’t get rid of at last year’s yard sales. Pandora suggests an auction and Margaret insists on a bake sale. The fair committee descends into a hair-pulling debacle by May 25th, resulting in a purge of the adults and a take-over by the fourth graders who decide to scrap the fair entirely and spend the day roaming the mall.

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18) Psyche goes through rough times this month as her long-time romance ends. She can’t decide just how bad to feel about it since she was never completely happy with her boyfriend and thought many times of having an affair with that guy at her office who she made out with at two different Christmas parties. It’s always hard to end a relationship. Not only does one have to do with a new loneliness, but also all the ski equipment you invested in, thinking one of these days you might learn. And not only the ski equipment, but the snorkeling gear, the roller blades, the mountain bike and the camping stuff. The lesson for Psyche is to look for a partner who is more compatible with her own interests, like reading “People Magazine” in front of the TV.

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) Don’t believe everything you hear at work, even if you really, really want to. Even Melanie wouldn’t sink as low as to have an affair with that loser Greg in HR, and you can’t just accept the rumors that your boss is into cross-dressing, or Phillip is part of the Witness Protection Program, or that the guy in the cubicle across from you has actually married his parrot. These things can take on a life of their own and in fact you earlier bumped into a rumor that went out and bought a whole outfit at Abercrombie and Fitch and was starting to take cooking classes. It’s time to end the backbiting and backstabbing, although the back scratching is actually rather pleasant and should be continued.

 

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)

 

 

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy )Thalia has to wait until the end of the month for the message from the heavens above that she has made the right decision in leaving her old job for a new opportunity. She had this offer last month and took some time to consider the new position, weighing the pluses and minuses and also the long division of the dilemma, but now, even though she’s not that great at math, she’s made up her mind and will move on, saying goodbye to her old desk (as well as the lamp and the bulletin board, both of which have said they’ll write), to a new office with new office furniture that seems to be a little stand-offish but can be won over with a little furniture polish. Her new co-workers wonder who she’s talking to over in her cubicle, but once they get to know Phoebe’s attachment to inanimate objects, they will find it downright handy to have at least one associate who can get the big copier to make double-sided copies.