DECEMBER

 

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

 

Christmas is on the way, and with it, the departure of every penny you saved this year, by way of guilt spending for family, spending for people at work you don’t even know, and repurchasing of presents you bought last year and forgot about in the back of your closet. Athena must rise above all the anxiety about spending and accept the message of giving. This won’t be too hard because all the churches, every store in town, every gas station, and even the free clinic has a giant sign saying “’Tis the Season For Giving!” We suggest Athena accepts nothing from the free clinic that’s not wearing a condom.

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) Juno wonders about the commercials she sees on TV for virtually every product, as retailers try to suggest their item would make a great Christmas gift. Ok, we admit a Lexus would make a great gift, but even rich people don’t give cars to each other… or do they? But more intriguing are the pushes for giving people a swifter mop and refills, contact lenses, Tupperware, and nasal spray. Fortunately for Juno, she actually knows someone who has all these items on their wish list.

 

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) From the 10th through the 24th, Aphrodite can be found at the mall. This was an easy call; the stars are predicting at half power this month since this is where everyone will be. Those who are not at the mall will be in the parking lot, trying to get into the mall, and those who have been in the mall for two hours or more will be at the Starbucks in the mall cooling their heels. Again, these are easy predictions – any idiot could make them. Specific to Aphrodite is the fact that she will get the last radio-operated toy helicopter, thereby cementing her nephew’s love for her.

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22) Diana has an exciting Christmas vacation planned this year – she’s on her way to New York City with tickets to the new musical “Spiderman”! This is the show that everyone’s talking about using words like “disaster”, “catastrophe”, “orthopedic surgeon” and “lawsuit”. On the other hand, this is what a lot of people were saying when they built the Empire State Building, the Brooklyn Bridge, and the Dolly Parton Theme park. How bad could it be? And could it be so bad that it’s actually great? And if Spiderman falls on Diana’s head during Act One, doesn’t that mean she’s guaranteed orchestra seats once she gets out of the hospital? The Constellations foresee not only better seats in Diana’s future but also a visit from Bono while she’s recuperating.

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22 December brings party season and the need for Demeter to buff and polish in anticipation of the party season. For some reason, people are still wearing open-toed shoes even though it’s cold as heck outside, and to that fashionable end, Demeter will too, as long as she can find a pair of wire cutters that can handle the toenail on her left foot. What makes the little toe so independent? Why must it march to the beat of its own tiny little drummer? Why can’t it stay in line with the rest of the toes, just for the holiday? The 23rd brings a humorous scene as all the ladies at the manicure shop refuse to take care of the little bastard.

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) Vesta has had enough of the same holiday songs playing through every loudspeaker in North America. She never thought that she would grow sick of this music since even up to last year, the sound of Louis Armstrong, Eartha Kitt, Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir would make her nostalgic and fill her with warm cheer. But on December 17 th, Vesta has a little meltdown at the Gap. As she is standing between the corduroys and the cotton hoodies, “Santa Baby” which just played about 15 minutes ago, begins once again. That will be it for Vesta and she will turn over a table and start screaming. The Manager of the Gap, having seen this before, turns off “Santa Baby” and starts playing “Theme From ‘The Godfather’”. All the men in the store swoon.

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) This month Persephone becomes fascinated that Sarah Palin and her daughter are both reality TV stars. This was a woman who was in line to become Vice President of the United States and now we can watch her daughter dance seductively in her underwear in an attempt to win prize-money, as on another channel, her mother observes the beauty of nature and then shoots it. Persephone always thought that people who participated in reality programming were the dregs of the earth; exhibitionists, losers, people in need of attention they never received as children, closet alcoholics; people who would date David Hasselhoff or who were in fact David Hasselhoff. But Persephone also realizes that this season’s charitable giving cannot stop at charity but must extend to one’s attitude toward others who we must forgive for being just really, blech, gross and tacky.

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21) Leda is thinking this month of what she really wants for Christmas. Can she honestly say she wants, more than anything, Peace on Earth? Would she trade a duplex in Tribeca with a view of the Hudson for Peace on Earth? Would she honestly give away a body like Katy Perry’s for Goodwill Toward Men? If she could have a Jaguar XKE, would she pass it off for the Coming Together of All Nations? Maybe if she could have Peace in Cleveland, in exchange for a toaster oven, this could be a trade she could manage. But if it means giving up an all-expenses paid round trip to the French Riviera, would she really ask for Hope, Faith and Charity among the People’s of the World? Yeah, suckers that we are, we predict she would.

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21 ) Echo isn’t a religious person, but she can’t resist church on Christmas Eve, with all the little sparkling lights, the music, the warm feelings, the bells, everyone all dressed up, and of course the crèche, with the sheep and camels lying on their sides because someone’s kid knocked them over. There’s something about a church steeple, a grand altar, and men dressed up like Jedi Knights that make Echo realize that maybe she should have taken a closer look at the Bible all those years she was attending Sunday school. She has a basic idea what’s going on: Jesus is the Son of God, or perhaps God himself, or maybe God’s Godson? That actually would make sense. At any rate, once again, this Midnight Mass, Echo will spend in the pews wondering about the profundities of the world at least until it’s time to go home and open presents.

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19) ‘Tis the season for the Office Christmas Party, that annual institution that every business in American shares. This year it’s up to Pandora to choose a spot where the whole company can come together and break every unwritten and written rule about drinking too much, smoking, indulging in level 1 drugs, and canoodling with people one works with, for the purpose of improving office morale. Pandora has a special incentive to find a great place with a lot of dark corners as she’s had her eye on the new PR guy since he got hired this fall. If she makes her choice on December 16 th, 17 th or 18th, the party will be the fulfillment of all her sexual fantasies. A choice made on December 12 th, 14 th, or 15th will result in a suspension, garnished wages, and a really embarrassing You Tube video.

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18) This month brings a windfall Psyche’s way! Unfortunately, it won’t be a windfall of money, but of food gifts that will come in an irresistible march from distant relatives, colleagues, long lost friends and Psyche’s dentist. This season of eating cuts both ways: Psyche loves food, loves to make it, to look at it, and to eat it, but this month even Psyche feels like enough is enough. What other time of the year does one have white chocolate pretzels and artisenal cheeses in the lunchroom? Whose idea was it to cover orange peels with chocolate and why are they so good? And what spawn of Satan decided that almonds weren’t fattening enough on their own – they should be roasted and wrapped in bacon? Not to worry Psyche – everything is relative and all your relatives will also be one size larger by December 31 st.

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) This month, Phoebe finds out about a holiday party to which she did not, or has not received an invitation and which she really, really wants to attend. There will be an open bar, in a fabulous penthouse, with movie stars and Titans of Industry; the way people are talking about it, there might even be some Super Heroes. This is the worst way to spend the holiday season – worrying about parties to which one has not been invited rather than appreciating the ones to which one has. So what if the only party you’ve been invited to is in a studio apartment in Queens, with a case of Bud Light and a box of Ritz crackers? Phoebe has to tell herself that being with her friend in Queens will always trump a Christmas party with strangers in a penthouse in Manhattan. And just like every Christmas tale ever told, it is absolutely true.

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)

 

 

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy ) This month, Thalia realizes she is Jewish which is weird because she’s 48 and should have figured it out at her kid’s bar mitzvah. But because she’s such a fan of Christmas, even her Jewish parents thought she’d converted. It is hard for Chanukah to compete with Christmas; in those households that put a Menorah next to their Christmas tree, the tree looks like a glorious work of beauty and splendor, glittering and glowing madly, while the Menorah looks like a rake with candles. But Thalia will have a great time this year as always, because her friends come from to her parties from all walks of life and don’t care whether she’s Jewish or Christian as long as she serves those little cocktail hotdogs