ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

 

Someone is going to contact you via the Internet offering you untold riches for a very small investment. This person will have a vaguely African-sounding name and hail from the Ivory Coast and will exhibit a sweet inability to cobble a sentence together, except when it comes to how to send your money to them. You will also receive offers to enlarge your penis, enlarge your breasts and enlarge your upstairs bathroom. Of these, take the offer to enlarge your breasts, because we all can use larger breasts, right?

 

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)

 

If your significant other can't sing, this is the month to tell him. Last month was the month to tell him he can't drive. Next month is the month to tell him he needs to stop telling that stupid joke when you get together with friends. By the time the new moon rolls in, you'll finally have the place to yourself!

 

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)

 

Your birthday is a source of wonder and amazement to you. How does it keep cropping up, seemingly twice a year, you wonder. At what point do I start lying, you wonder. What the hell is happening to my knees, you wonder. What is the name of Sharon Stone's plastic surgeon, you wonder. Make sure your health insurance is paid up!

 

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)

 

'Tis the season for beer, barbecues and the beach! Unfortunately you live in a studio apartment in mid-town with no access to barbecues or the beach. You can certainly compensate with beer but then your chances of getting invited to a barbecue or the beach are diminished in proportion to the size of your beer gut. Stick with sparkling water, at least until the 12th.

 

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)

 

On the 4th you are going to feel butterflies in your stomach. On the 7th, that fluttering returns. On the 16th once again, your stomach is dancing and yet your legs remain stationary. Try to isolate the source of the stimulation. Is it the UPS guy? That new guy at work? Or are you just lactose intolerant?

 

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)

 

On the 19th, you find yourself bouncing athletically on the bed with your partner! You two can't keep your hands off each other! Unfortunately the reason you can't keep your hands off each other is because you're being attacked by a mosquito the size of a cupcake. No sleep tonight!

 

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)

 

The construction crew on the corner seem to have nothing but criticism for your wardrobe choices. They don't like your shoes, they think plaid and paisley do NOT match no matter what the fashion magazines say; they think your hemlines are too short and the necklines too deep. Actually the construction crew thinks your necklines are fine but the plaid and paisley ñ no way! Ask yourself, why am I listening to the construction crew on the corner anyway?

 

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)

 

You know that if you can just line up that interview, you will certainly get the job of your dreams. There has to be a way to get your resume into the hands of the right person. Do you know someone they know? Do you get your coffee at the same Starbucks as them? Do you have access to their personal health and financial information? Do what you need to make your dreams come true but always remember, stalking is a felony.

 

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)

 

The 14th is a day of reckoning when the in-laws decide they want to visit and they're too cheap to spring for a hotel. We all have family to contend with and compromise is key. Maybe you can offer to help pay for a hotel? Would your spouse agree to giving them the wrong address? If worse comes to worse, perhaps you can move out of state and not leave a forwarding address. If you feel guilty, just remember what their kid did to your flat screen TV the last time they visited.

 

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)

 

The weather is already starting to depress you and it's only June. You know that the dog days of July and August are coming up and then September arrives with all its stress and strain, which is just a preamble to the holidays, with all the hellishness they bring and then you have to find a date for New Year's which is always a disaster and then it's on to the horrible cold and misery of the winter months and then spring with all the colds and the freakish weatherÖ The good news is that there will be one nice day later this month that you are really going to savor.

 

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)

 

Mars and Venus are really trying to get something going for you this month, swinging back and forth in their orbits, giving you episodes of euphoria and what your friends are calling hysteria. Hang on because it is all going to settle down by the 25th of the month. And no matter what your friends and the men in the white coats say, do not sign anything!

 

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)

 

Your Netflix rental has been sitting on your coffee table for a month and a half. At some point you are going to have to watch that thing, even though it's a documentary about WWII that you ordered in a moment of righteous indignation about the state of the world. Look at it this way, you will be able to milk the screening of this thing for months, instead of lying to your friends about the fact that you ordered 'Groundhog Dayî the last two months in a row.

 

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own)

 

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)

 

The beginning of the month brings a surprise that is so secret even we don't have the specifics about it! It has something to do with an email from an old friend who you always hoped would have developed into something more. Is he writing to tell you he's getting married? Or is he writing to tell you he's always loved you too and he's getting married and wants to see you one more time before he decides? Or is he writing because he got the first two letters of your email mixed up with someone else he really cares about? Wait and see ñ isn't the future fun?