May/ June

 

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19) This month you will date a man wearing cornrows, not because he’s cool or from the Caribbean but because he wishes he was cool and from the Caribbean. Because you haven’t had a boyfriend for a while, you are willing to play along with this fantasy. The problem with this kind of acquiescence is that soon enough he will be wearing a Keffiyeh scarf looped loosely around his neck, and then will come the porkpie hat. Then come skinny jeans, a Kabbalah bracelet and a nose ring. Once he starts wearing the sequined Converse tennis shoes, it’s time to bail.

 

 

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) Happy Birthday Juno! This month will bring you the kind of clarity you’ve searched for your whole life when you finally watch a Chanel commercial and understand what the hell is going on. You understand that the Keira Knightly character likes to wear beige clothing but she does not like her picture taken which is why she jumps out the window at the end. So if you are very thin and like to jump out of windows, then Chanel is for you. If you are chunky and like corn dogs, then perhaps you’d be happier with Jessica Simpson’s imaginatively named “Fancy Love”. Surprise yourself!

 

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) Summer is coming, again, for about the 42nd time in Aphrodite’s life and again, even though every year she swears it will be different, she still hasn’t lost the extra 10 pounds. Well Aphrodite, the stars are in your corner this May as you will finally find the discipline you need to maintain a healthy diet. The sight of French fries will appall you. Ben and Jerry’s ice cream will be an affront to your sensibilities. If someone offers you a Milk Dud, you will slap it out of his hand. This is just one of the side effects from hormone replacement therapy; another is being banned from your book club.

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22) This month, a special occasion prompts Diana to look at the big picture, which is hanging in her living room and which, Diana realizes, is pretty ugly. It’s an abstract painting that at first she thought looked kind of like a beach scene, but now it just looks like someone opened a bottle of seltzer nearby and no one ever bothered to clean the wall. This actually happened but the picture was unharmed and so now there are drips on the wall alongside an ugly picture. As it turns out, Diana’s house is on the Block Association House Tour and so the picture must go. There’s also a small picture that Diana is prompted to look at, but this is in the breezeway leading to the garage, and like the muddy boots that have been there since April, can be ignored.

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22) A groundbreaking idea has the potential to change Demeter’s career. If she can only get it in front of the right people, this could mean a raise, or perhaps even the corner office. It has to do with renting a backhoe, digging up a big area so it’s just a bunch of dirt, fencing it in, and calling it a dog run. The company can charge employees $10 to leave their dog there for the day ($15 for small children). This may also help Demeter break through that glass ceiling at her company, but be absolutely certain the cafeteria is closed, lest someone get cut by falling shards.

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) Love is closer than ever this month for Vesta, who is sick and tired of Mars and Venus setting her up on lousy dates. Yes, Vesta, the astrological forces that control the Heavens make mistakes, just like eHarmony, only with eHarmony everyone in the Known Universe doesn’t hear about it. The Starry Forces Above believe they have found someone for you this time, and we promise he doesn’t smoke, drink too much, or have issues with his mother. He’s not the cutest guy in the world but he’s the cutest guy we could find who takes horoscopes seriously and who was willing to show up. There’s only one teeny tiny problem: he likes to watch NASCAR Racing. Ok! Stop yelling! We’ll find someone else!! Next month!

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) You need to be especially careful with paperwork this month, Persephone. You can’t just sign stuff without reading it anymore; those days are gone – there’s too much at stake. Remember how you signed up for those 5 stock-tip newsletters and then they billed you $1450 a year for each one? And last year, how you joined the only chat room in the universe that charges by the minute to participate in discussions about “Lost”, “Fringe” and “How I Met Your Mother”? Part of being an adult means reading all the fine print. This may mean glasses in your case.

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21) Leda is sick of being Friended and Linked, and Tweeted and Buzzed and in general under constant bombardment from the wireless tethers by which we are bound to one another. Leda would like nothing more than to throw her iPhone into the sea, or less dramatically, the sink, and run water on it to shut it up. You’re not alone, Leda, there are many like you out there, all of whom want nothing more than to live in solitude and silence, contemplating nature. In fact, there’s a Yahoo Group called: “I Hate Groups” and if you give them your email address they will hook you up with the hourly newsletter.

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21 ) Echo is pretty sure she and Osama Bin Laden share the same contractor since her house and the Abottabad “mansion” look about the same from the outside. Although Bin Laden was a mass-murderer, and Echo doesn’t even like people who litter, she does find herself having in common with this guy an unfinished deck and walls that seriously need spackling. In addition, Echo suspects that her teenaged son may have spent some time at the Bin Laden’s since Osama’s living room looks a lot like Echo’s on any given Sunday morning. Echo seriously considers hiring the Navy Seals to come in and do some light cleaning.

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19) You are tempted to pack up and fly off somewhere this summer even with all the surcharges the airlines are loading onto ticket prices. There are the taxes: ($220 on a $198 flight), the luggage charge ($25), the emergency exit seating upgrade ($50), the seat back that reclines fee ($15), the “don’t put me anywhere near a screaming baby” deposit ($85), the food ($5 for “barely edible”, $11 for edible), the blanket ($7 for paper, $9 for burlap), the pillow ($5 for recently used, $11 for used by a person who showered before the flight), and finally the “not crashing surcharge” ($99 for “not crashing”, $50 for a hard landing). It’s so expensive to fly that even though you were planning to go to Europe (from Wisconsin), you consider driving there with an amphibious vehicle. This you reject when the amphibious vehicle rental place wants to charge you $700 for a GPS device that works in the middle of the ocean.

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18) As befitting your name, this month Psyche decides she really needs to see a therapist. You’re filled with anxiety; between the tsunami and earthquake in Japan, the flooding on the Mississippi, the tornadoes in the Midwest, you wonder what will happen next. Your anxiousness comes from a place of insecurity, a place that you need to examine in your own life before you worry about those things in the natural world you can’t control. The fault lines in your heart are more dangerous than those on either of the coasts. On the other hand, you might want to reconsider a planned trip to LA between the 18 th and 24 th. Just sayin’.

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) Can you trust the advice you’re getting from a colleague? Especially since this colleague is someone who thinks you stole his promotion out from under him, and who may be the very one who sabotaged the copier right before you went to print out your big report? He seemed like a nice guy, especially right after the Christmas party and that extended make-out session in the mail room, but he has been giving you looks lately that you interpret as slightly hostile. Jupiter, who knows a lot about hostility (just ask Pluto who is, you recall, no longer even a planet thanks to Jupiter’s badmouthing), thinks if you must listen to this colleague, you should wear a wire.

 

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)

 

 

THALIA - the Comedian The Goddess Horoscope Providers, part of the Universal Air and Space Administration, would like to have your input as to what you think of the services we provide. Would you be willing to take a survey after the horoscopes? If yes, please notify the nearest star that you can see in the evening sky. It will only take you about 10 minutes, after which you’ll be entered into a competition to win tickets to Cirque Du Soleil’s new show: “Abdominals”.

 

©2011 Debra Victoroff