Summer

 

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19) This month a close friend tells you she’s quitting her job, cashing her savings and moving to Costa Rica. At first you wonder if she’s been forced to enter the Federal witness protection program but you soon learn it’s just a crush on her scuba instructor. But this upheaval plays havoc with the balance of friends in your life; she was the one who always told you you were right. June means finding someone else to side with you against your mother, your boyfriend, and the IRS.

 

 

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) You want to meet your colleagues halfway but they keep bumping into the room dividers. This is because, as you suspected, they are idiots. If they would simply listen to your ideas, productivity in the office would be increased and the vending machines would never run out of Diet Coke. This includes putting parental controls on internet access, taking the copier paper out of its package before it goes into the copy machine, and putting more Diet Coke in the vending machines.

 

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) Was that a hot flash or is the world simply getting hotter? At this stage of life you can’t really tell nor do you really care as long as there is a frosty can of soda to set in the crook of your neck and 100% cotton sheets on the bed. You feel like the world is burning up, one middle-aged woman at a time, starting with you, and progressing through the entire PTA at your kid’s school, through the entire female population of the city, all the way to Sue Simmons who delivers the 6 o’clock news. This month is the first time you see the newscaster actually lift her shirt away from her chest and flutter it wildly in the middle of a report on gas prices, giving new meaning to the term “News Flash”.

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22) Diana has second thoughts about hiring a housekeeper what with all this inter-household sex going on. From the leader of the International Monetary Fund, who could have hired someone to have sex with but was so cheap decided to rape a New York City hotel maid instead; to ex-Governor Schwartzenegger who apparently enjoys a little apron and white shoe action himself. Maybe it’s not the scent of expensive perfume but instead the smell of Lysol that turns these guys on, in which case some enterprising perfumer should bottle that scent and name it “Maid for You”.

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22) A health risk emerges between the 19th and the 24th. Maybe it’s all those years of sun exposure or maybe it’s the radiation drifting over from that nuclear plant in Japan, but whatever the cause, Demeter needs to keep an eye on that little freckle that’s grown to the point where it wants its own room and keys to the car. Demeter also notices that it has changed color from a slightly darker flesh tone to a neon green that glows in the dark. It also seems to be magnetic. There’s also a very good chance that it’s broadcasting FM radio. You really should get this thing checked out. Oh wait, the freckle is picking up the phone now by itself… Whatever you do, don’t give it your ATM password!

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) Vesta will finally stand up to her mother who has made a hobby of insulting Vesta’s choices in every aspect of her life: her clothes, her hair, her figure and her husband. She may be absolutely right about Vesta’s husband, but she doesn’t need to rub it in. Vesta plans to buy a pair of those Alexander McQueen lobster shoes and wear them to the upcoming family reunion. There is no mother on earth who would not be rendered speechless by those shoes. Just ask Lady Gaga, who’s mother hasn’t been heard from in years.

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) The wanderlust you suppress all year long emerges with the nice weather. You can’t wait to get on a plane, train, or automobile, or even a bicycle if it will get you to the beach. The only problem is that your moon is in the house of the sun and the sun can’t get it out without great effort or perhaps an intergalactic laxative. This means any mode of travel you choose will be slow, crowded and cramped, at least until you reach your destination at which point you and your fellow travelers will burst out onto the tarmac in one big pile.

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21) This month Leda has to learn to forgive and forget. Your partner has been trying to do everything right since that debacle at the dry cleaner’s last month when he mistakenly asked them to clean and press your leather skirt, resulting in a leather skirt that can also be used to sand floors. His gratitude for your forgiveness could lead to romance or, better yet, an expensive new addition to your wardrobe. r.

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21 ) Go out this month and experience some culture! How long has it been since you went to a play or a concert? It’s important to feed that artistic side of you, the one that’s always signing up for watercolor painting and French cooking and llama shearing. Do you really know how to please a man? Your local community center is offering a new class this summer called “Give Him the Remote and Get Out of the Living Room”. Better sign up early.

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19) Your kids want to go to Disneyland this summer. You want to go to a spa. Your husband wants to head to a golfing resort. Where can the family go together where you’ll all be happy? Nowhere! And who has the money anyway? The best thing to do is to invest the money you would have spent on a vacation on a new 72” flat screen TV and then rent movies about the places you want to go on vacation. If you choose the right movies, it will be a bonding experience for the whole family. Anything with Will Ferrell will be great. Anything with Salma Hayek is the kiss of death.

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18) This month Venus’ wobbly orbit makes you feel especially randy. The feel of the hot sun on your skin, and the revealing warm weather outfits you’re pulling out of your closet add to your sensual hypersensitivity. Every man you see inspires desire within you; from the UPS guy, to a longtime coworker, to your dentist – no one is immune from your hunger. Indulge, but be careful – not only could you contract some weird disease, but if you hurt the wrong person’s feelings, you might get an unwanted root canal.

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) If your gut is telling you to do something, go for it. It may be that your gut is telling you to “stop pulling me in: give up already and admit you’re fat.” Or perhaps your gut is telling you that “that guy is overcharging you by about $400 and he knows it.” We all have little voices that we should listen to whenever they start speaking, and the most reliable one is the gut, especially when it starts yelling out commands like “Turn right! Turn right!”

 

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)

 

 

THALIA - the Comedian Your tendency to be a little careless in matters of money will cause problems this month when a friend asks to be repaid of the loan she gave you last year. One should never ignore that old rule not to lend or borrow between friends, but you really needed the money and she needed to prove that she makes more than you. There’s more to a loan than meets the eye, which is where she’s going to punch you if you don’t cough up the dough.

 

©2011 Debra Victoroff