September

 

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19) Ah September!  The month of new beginnings, changing light, and two for one on printer cartridges at Staples.You feel driven to think about the future, not just because it’s wise but also because there are already Christmas displays in the windows at Macy’s.  If you want to enjoy the autumn without any pressure from the marketplace, you’re going to have to avoid looking in store windows until January.  See?

Now you’re planning for the future!

 

 

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) You may not see clearly right now due to just having had those eye-drops that dilate your pupils put in your eyes at the doctor’s office.This will make it difficult to navigate the twists and turns of your busy schedule as well as the terrain of your bedroom, and therefore you can look forward to a lot of shin barking and loud cursing in your near future.On the other hand, you get to select a new pair of glasses and can finally get rid of those gold-rimmed aviators you’ve been hauling around for the last 5 years.

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) This month, don’t hesitate to go after what you truly want. This might be as simple as the last Mint Milano, or a pair of snakeskin chaps. Waiting for things to come your way is a losing proposition. You remember the last few things that came to you were a cold, a subpoena, and a little dog that was really cute at first but then bit you on the ankle.  When you’re out there pursuing things, you’re dodging the things pursuing you, a sensible philosophy whether you’re a high-paid executive or a shoplifter.

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)You are ready to slow down after a summer of sun and fun, barbecues and baseball, and a yeast infection that felt like you had an active anthill in your panties. You haven’t taken time out to clean your apartment in weeks, nor have you had a home-cooked meal since the last time you ate a bowl of Cheerios standing over your sink. ‘Tis the season to settle back into a routine; concentrate on your job, your checkbook, and that mound of laundry in the middle of the living room.

Useful tip: If you forgot to rinse out your bathing suits after spending July at the shore, they make handy salt grinders!

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22) Demeter has finally found a man who is free! Free of baggage, free of girlfriends, free of neuroses, disease free, gluten free, lactose free, peanut free, sugar free, and tax-free. Unfortunately he is also free of a job, money, rhythm, underwear, and hair on his head. This might not be a problem as long as he’s living rent free and also if you like bald guys. But there will be problems on the horizon if he doesn’t understand that there’s no such thing as a free lunch, and if he doesn’t get himself a job, you’ll have every right to take a free kick at his lazy ass.

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) Happy Birthday dear Vesta!  You’re not the type to wait for an invitation – in fact it’s you who wants to provide the party.September is a great month for entertaining for Vestas, especially since they are so good at organizing things and yelling at caterers. Make sure you take some time out for yourself; you plan for others but your own needs shouldn’t fall by the wayside.  There is always one cute caterer, and if you are clear with him about your needs, you can have them met in the broom closet by the walk-in refrigerator.

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)September brings a desire for change, and it’s always a good idea to hire professionals to make it easier for you.  Whether they be painters, plastic surgeons, shrinks, or deep-sea fishermen, a little assistance can make all the difference.  Shake things up a little by having the shrink paint your kitchen, the plastic surgeon psychoanalyze you, and go ahead and sleep with the painter like you were planning to anyway.  What do you need a deep-sea fisherman for? That neat diving helmet!

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21) Being the center of attention can be fun, but don’t forget to wax completely before dancing on the table or sliding down a banister. Good grooming is essential if all eyes are going to be on you, and an opportunity to show off can quickly become a debacle if your audience

thinks your legs look like rolls of very effective flypaper, or your underarms remind them of a sea urchin they almost stepped on in the Bahamas.  Don’t forget: things on You Tube are only funny when they humiliate other people.

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21 )Don’t play games with other people’s feelings; play games with children and your iPhone.  Angry Birds is fun, as is Fruit Ninja. Both of these applications can be downloaded without telling your best friend she looks so much better now that she’s lost a little weight,

or your boyfriend that you are completely, totally over your secret crush on his best friend.  If we are more careful with other people’s feelings, maybe we won’t always be sitting alone playing games with our iPhones.

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)A chance for a relationship with a VIP has you assessing your priorities.  Well, not really a relationship; actually you met him in a bar and he texted you at 3am wanting to hook up.  But he is kind of famous, and you rationalize that this will be something to tell your

grandchildren someday.  The only problem with that logic is, how are you going to tell your grandchildren that you cheated on their grandfather?  Cheating is never worth it.  Unless he’s Ryan Gosling

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)You can be sweet when you turn on the charm, but vicious as a snake when you feel you’ve been wronged.  You can be charming when you’re with people you admire, but cruel when they don’t garner your respect. You are the image of propriety when around your family but frankly, a

slut when you go out on the weekends with your friends.  You are 5’5” in bare feet but 5’8” in heels, which makes you taller than 90% of the guys on Match.com.  You are many things to many people which is eventually going to lead to an STD.

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)You’ll need to make some major changes to pull yourself out of your rut.  Perhaps a new haircut or an update to your wardrobe?  Maybe new curtains in the bedroom?  What about a minor renovation to your living space? Where you break down the wall between you and your neighbor?

What about a super big renovation where you buy the whole apartment building, call in demolition experts and blow the whole thing sky high?  And you turn the whole open space into a giant dog run?  Let your imagination run wild!  On the other hand, you could conserve your

energy and just take a pottery class.

 

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)

 

 

THALIA - the Comedian What is it that Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, Gwen Stefani and Britney Spears have in common with you?   They can’t find the piece of paper with that phone number on it that was just here a minute ago!  Although this is not enough to guarantee you a career in the music business, it certainly is enough to allow you to contact them with the news that you’re all in it together.  September is a great month for concerts, and if you could just find that piece of paper, Lady Gaga will

guarantee you third row seats at her next show.

 

©2011 Debra Victoroff