OCTOBER/NOVEMBER
ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19) Your guardian planet Neptune is shrouded in fog and so are you. You need to snap out of it, or at least turn off the fog machine that that crew member from "Phantom of the Opera" left on your lawn. On the other hand, you do like decorating your house for Halloween and the fog machine is so cool – perhaps you can wait until the day after Halloween to clear things up, on your lawn and in your life. Don't make any sudden decisions when shrouded in fog – you may take a tumble and land in the dog's water bowl.
JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) Halloween is right around the corner and its dark and creepy mood has you just a bit on edge. Every little noise you hear at night makes you jump, and you see shadows in every corner. This may be an over-active imagination or it may be that those friends you hosted in September left their obnoxious child behind. There is nothing scarier than an obnoxious child, with or without a costume, especially when it's not your own. This might call for an exorcist, or a really mean nanny. Lock up the candy, and if you have to, lock up the child as well.
APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) Saturn goes all retrograde on you this month which means, like George in that old Seinfeld episode, you can do everything the opposite of how you would normally do things, and they will all come out well. You can criticize your boss, sleep with strange men without a condom, and have an Egg McMuffin every morning for breakfast. The only problem is NEXT month, when things go back to normal and you have a lot of explaining to do. Especially if the strange man you slept with IS your boss.
DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22) The first three weeks of October show signs of being very lucrative for Diana. Business ventures will go well, a significant refund will come her way, and a great sale at Macy's means she can buy that full-length cashmere sweater wrap she's been coveting. The last week of the month however, everything can come unraveled, including that sweater wrap, so make sure you keep the receipt.
DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)Get ready for a month of misunderstandings and confusion as Mercury refuses to enter your house of Communications because the three-headed dog Cerberus is in there barking his fool head off. Ever since the Known Universe cancelled the contract for the Cerberus Constellation, that crazy dog has been finding his way into everyone's houses, terrorizing the help. Eventually Mercury will find a three pronged leash and tie up the dog outside, but before that can happen, you will confuse suppositories for vitamins and eat your yeast infection treatment.
VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) Usually you simply take what's handed to you without complaint, but this month, the planet Mars influences your sign and insists you stand up for yourself. All of a sudden, you find yourself returning meat that's not rare enough or too rare; stockings that get runs in them the first time you put them on, milk that's spoiled before it's expiration date, and children who insist on talking back. Well, maybe you keep the children, but you insist they take the milk back to the store for you.
PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) Your birthday is this month and you can't decide whether to have a quiet celebration at home with your significant other or host a big bash. It takes so much energy to plan things and call everyone, only to have them tell you they are simply too tired, or they can't afford it, or the Kim Kardashian wedding special is on that night. Don't stress yourself out over an event you wish would simply go away. Just buy yourself a 10" Red Velvet birthday cake, sit down in front of the TV and watch the Kardashian wedding special on your own. This will be the best birthday ever!
LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21) Uranus is in the closet of your eighth house and he's trying on that cool leather coat you got last year at Anne Taylor. Because he's a planet, he's stretching out the sleeves to where the elbows are going to be all misshapen and weird looking. Uranus is one of the simple planets and can be easily distracted by something shiny; if you throw a new quarter on the lawn, he'll follow it outside. Quickly shut the door to your house, and you're safe, at least until next month.
ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21 ) This month your ruler Jupiter encourages optimism and hedonism, which means that you will drink heavily when you go out, but assume you won't have a hangover. This was not what Jupiter intended exactly but why not try it? A clear head and a good mood are things we all need, especially once you see who you tumbled into bed with after those 4 dirty martinis.
PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19) Step away from the computer every once in a while; it's not doing you any good to finish a project early and end up with a sore neck. Pick up your head and look around; there's a cute guy in the cubicle next to yours. He doesn't work here and in fact seems to be lifting the wallet out of your co-worker's purse, but if he's single, why not make a move? If the first date doesn't work out, you can always have him arrested, something you've always wanted to do.
PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18) This month a piece of mail arrives and changes things. It's the fall issue of Vogue! You knew you loved the coming of autumn, you just couldn't remember why. Ignore the curses and evil looks your mailman is giving you and all the other women in your building as he lifts each 6-pound edition out of his bag. Once he sees you in your new tweed jacket, he'll forget all about his hernia.
PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) Good luck is in the stars for you this month. Unfortunately, the luck is up there so high you can't reach it without a super huge stepladder, and you're afraid of getting hit by a passing satellite. You need to use your imagination to figure out a way to get it down from there, just like a cat in a tree. Hey, maybe call the Fire Department: they have those long ladders! Whether the luck comes down from the skies or you find it in the back of the Fire engine, the stars believe that, hey - luck is luck.
Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)
THALIA - the Comedian Don't pick fights with friends this month; you will surely lose every argument. Normally when you pick fights, your odds are better than even of winning, but this October people are simply not going to let you, or Michele Bachmann, get away with inventing statistics. Rick Perry however, will continue to get away with it until late December.
©2011 Debra Victoroff
DISCLAIMER: This is a parody of women's magazines so don't come crying to us if you starved to death on one of our diets or you took out your liver by mistake. Unless otherwise noted all material © 2000 - 2022 Sharon Grehan-Howes ( aka Sharon Jeffcock ) Happy Woman Magazine All Rights Reserved
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Debra Victoroff's humor essays have appeared in Penthouse, Cosmopolitan and The Village Voice as well as broadcast on National Public Radio. Her one-act comedy, "Table for Two" was recently published in "The Best Plays of the Strawberry Festival" and her drama "Letter From A Soldier" was a hit at the 2008 Walking Fish play festival in Vancouver.(http://www.straight.com/article-148353/walking-fish-festival) and won Debra second place in the NEW WORKS OF MERIT PLAYWRITING CONTEST. She honed her humor skills on the TV series "Sex and the City", entertaining the music crew with her constant complaints about working in the wrong department.
DISCLAIMER: This is a parody of women's magazines so don't come crying to us if you starved to death on one of our diets or you took out your liver by mistake. Unless otherwise noted all material © 2000 - 2019 Sharon Grehan-Howes ( aka Sharon Jeffcock ) Happy Woman Magazine All Rights Reserved