NOVEMBER/DECEMBER

 

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19) Thanksgiving is around the corner and even though you have no idea how to cook, let alone a bird the size of a smart car, you are determined to host your first Thanksgiving dinner. Although it's customary to "truss" the turkey before it goes in the oven, the stars above suggest that you do not, under any circumstances, use the furry handcuffs and leather belts you would normally utilize for such an occasion.

 

 

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) You have had just about enough of this guy on the credit card commercials with the stupid weather balloon. There is not one woman on earth who would ever buy a weather balloon with points, nor do we believe are there that many guys who'd buy it either. The only way to get the repetitive taste of this ad out of your system is to take your American Express card, buy a giant hat pin, and make sure this commercial (and that weather balloon) doesn't show up again next month.

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) It's only November and already you're sick of Ashton Kutcher on "Three And a Half Men".  Yes, you understand that the show's audience is men of all ages who live at home and can't get laid, and therefore allow that a certain amount of stupidity is to be expected.  But it seems like Ashton Kutcher is playing someone who is actually disabled and should be in a group home with more than just one and a half other men.  If they called it "A Man, A Boy, and A Moron", it would make sense and you could actually enjoy it.

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22) The best way to deal with someone who refuses to listen to reason is to speak to them in gibberish.  This strategy is being successfully conducted by virtually all of the GOP presidential candidates, none of whom can speak in full sentences using the English language, and yet they seem to be getting through to a certain population, including your unreasonable friend.  Very often, unreasonable friends turn out to be Republicans, or turn into Republicans, which leaves you with a choice: either you can drop them as friends, or become a Republican, which means learning gibberish and giving up empathy. As a Republican, giving up empathy right before the holidays is just good timing.

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22) You support the Occupy Wall Street movement on principle but its functionality leaves much to be desired.   You're a social person and one who likes to join groups but being part of "The 99%" means you can never find a seat at the meetings and all the coffee and donuts are gone by the time you get to the front of the line.  Of all the injustices the movement represents, you find this the most grievous.

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) Don't dwell on your failures.  Dwell on the failures of your sister, who is still dating that short order cook from the local deli.  If you dwell enough on her failures instead of your own, as well as the failures of her kitchen, her clothes and her car, you can become a Kardashian and have your own TV show.

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) Try not to appear too eager; it just makes people think you have nowhere to go for Thanksgiving.  Everyone wants a Thanksgiving table with interesting people who had plenty of invitations, but chose theirs, so make sure your hosts think you turned down dinner at some celebrity's place.  Make sure you choose the celebrity carefully however: an invitation from P. Diddy is enviable; an invitation from Charlie Sheen is not.

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21) The Sun is changing signs this month and offering a "Two for One" discount on upcoming sunny days.  You wish you could trade in the 14 days of rain we had last month for 7 days of sun this month, but that's not how it works.  Neither life nor weather are fair, although it makes you feel good to know the forecast for both, just so you know what to wear.

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21 )Don't try to live up to an image that's not true.  Even if you've been telling people for years that you know how to rope cattle, with the assumption that in New York City you would never have to prove it, the time is near that you will be called out.  The Rodeo is coming to Madison Square Garden in January, and your friends want you to sign up.  You either have to come clean or perhaps just tell friends that your quarter horse was repossessed.

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19) It seems to some that you're losing your edge.  It's true, in fact, that you are becoming a little blurry but that's because you've gained weight and your waist has completely disappeared.  The concept of a belt is inconceivable unless it fits like Saturn's: loose, and low and approximately 37000 miles around.   Thanksgiving is coming and the temptations will be rife.  Go easy on the sweet potatoes.

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18) Psyche is well aware that the Thanksgiving dinner table can be a field of land mines, psychologically speaking.  The whole family gathers round and people who really shouldn't be drinking start pounding back the red wine, and pretty soon someone mentions something that was supposed to be kept secret and then someone else says something about some money that's owed and before you know it, your in-laws are flinging handfuls of Brussels sprouts at each other.  This can be avoided if you make green beans as a side dish instead.

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) Deep down you know what must be done but you are reluctant to do it.   Yes, the 22 pounds of laundry that you have been storing in the back of your closet for the last three weeks must be dealt with.  Getting that pile downstairs to the washer is going to require two Sherpas and a yak.  Some Sherpas will also do your ironing, but in general, they refuse to fold fitted sheets.  Also, yaks have a tendency to mate with cashmere, so keep your sweater sets hidden.

 

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)

 

 

THALIA - the Comedian This month you will attempt to make an airplane reservation.  This will take you approximately four hours, even with the aid of the Internet which is supposed to make things easier.  By the time you scout through all the "deals", all the cheap ones are gone so you will be paying a fortune.  The flight will feature a four-hour layover in Atlanta even though you're traveling from New York to Cleveland.  As if this wasn't bad enough, you will have to pay $65 extra to have a seat by the window.  Behind the window will be a brick wall, which you will have to pay an additional $65 to have removed.  In order to cancel the flight and stay at home, you will have to pay American Airlines $1200.  This is beginning to seem worth it.

 

©2011 Debra Victoroff