DECEMBER/JANUARY

 

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19) Should you get your niece a pair of Uggs for Christmas, or is this just the first step in a downward spiral to Kim Kardashian-hood? On the other hand, wearing Uggs is about the best form of birth control for a woman/girl that has ever been invented and may in fact be a plot conceived by Planned Parenthood. These boots make the wearer seem both unattractive and insecure, a one-two punch that anyone who has ever been on a dating website knows better than to exhibit.

 

 

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) For once, you are on top of all the stuff you have to do in time for this time-consuming holiday. Your Christmas gifts have all been purchased, paid for, wrapped and set under the tree. The house looks perfect: your bathroom is stocked with toilet paper, your kitchen spices have all been replenished (you got extras of cinnamon, cloves and nutmeg), and the firewood has been stacked by the fireplace. The decorations are up, the tree is trimmed, there’s a fire in on the hearth. Now you just have to move in.

 

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) Unlike Juno, you are not ready for the coming holiday. You could hate Juno for this, and also because she seems to be able to eat anything she wants and stay slim. But jealousy is not your thing. You don’t begrudge your friends their achievements, even the ones who have everything: good job, great husband, sweet children and a white couch without food stains and actual tire tracks. Your good nature has not gone unnoticed, as you will discover when your friends chip in to send you to the Betty Ford clinic.

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22) This planking trend is getting out of hand. It’s always been difficult to get good service at the mall, but now you walk into Lord and Taylor and all the help is flat on their stomachs, immobile, with their hands at their sides. This is only slightly worse than last year when the salespeople were simply immobile with their hands at their sides, but better than the year before, when every third clerk would spray you with insect repellent and call it “Eau de Spring”. Can someone please just tell you where are the handbags??

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22) You and your boyfriend have not been getting along and this is contributing to your wandering eye. The other day you took your nephew to see Santa and you thought “Hey, that Santa’s not bad-looking. Get rid of that beard, lose a few pounds and he could pass for Nick Lachey.” This could be a real problem, especially if Santa decides to pay a visit while your boyfriend is in Cleveland for the holidays. Santa is not a sex object, Demeter! He may be warm, generous, drive a fast car, love animals and have his own home, but he is married too, despite what it says on his match.com profile.

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)You’re adding to your list of TV commercial pitch personalities you would like to strangle (“Can you hear me now?”, the Progressive lady and her hair, the weather balloon guy), the young model/robot for T-Mobile. Does anyone but you notice that her arms never move, and speaking of planking, that she looks like she’s planking standing up? And what is it with that retro Dorothy-in-the-Wizard-of-Oz dress she’s wearing? Who is T-mobile trying to appeal to? Munchkins? The greatest Christmas gift of all for Vesta would be to see this woman get “slushied” by the cast of Glee.

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) Christmas has not even arrived and Persephone is already wondering who she’ll be with on New Year’s Eve. Will it be the guy in her building who always offers to carry her packages? Will it be some old high school flame who’s in town for the holidays? How about that guy at work who flirts and flirts but never quite asks her out? Maybe even her trainer at the gym whose body she simply cannot believe, and who touches her in a way that makes her skin tingle? Probably none of these. Probably Kirsten, like last year, watching some Nora Ephron flick.

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21) For the third Christmas in a row, Leda wonders why she never gets a crystal music box from her husband playing the “Lexus” theme before her husband takes her outside their multi-million dollar glass house on the lake, and gives her the key to her new Champagne-colored Lexus SUV with the cream interior. Or why her teenagers don't bring her into the living room and start playing the Lexus theme on their Garage Band guitars before they all lead her outside to her Lexus convertible with the silver spoke rims. Probably because her husband is unemployed and they live in the basement of her parent’s house. She will however be getting some damn thing from Pier One. It’s the thought that counts so stop thinking about who the heck is getting those Lexuses.

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21) Echo will stumble on the BEST sample sale ever this month, at which not only will she be able to get sweaters, scarves and gloves for everyone on her gift list, but will find the most wonderful, sexy dress for herself for prices that are practically wholesale! Yes, she had to pepper spray a little old lady for that dress, but seriously, why would an 80 year old need a dress like that? In fact, Echo is going to reload and get those fuzzy mittens away from that little girl.

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)Pandora knows it’s Christmas when the Charlie Brown Christmas special comes on! It’s her favorite show around the holidays with “It’s a Wonderful Life” a close second, and “A Christmas Story” third. Rounding out the top ten is “A Christmas Carol” followed by “It’s a Very Good Life”, then “It’s A Life That Is Not That Bad”, tied with “It’s A Life That Could Be A Lot Better” and then “It’s A Life That’s Not Going to Last Very Long If You Don’t Get Off Your Ass and Take Out the Garbage”. The only one Pandora doesn’t much like is “Life Sucks And Then You Lose the Remote”.

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18) The family is gathering once again, even though you JUST saw them at Thanksgiving, and the idea of listening to your brother-in-law go on and on about his new iPhone or whatever, is making you want to slit your wrists. The only thing that keeps you going back is that your parents are getting older and need your help, and you do so love your nieces and nephews and Grandma might not be there next year. The only reason that Grandma might not come next year is because she’s sick to death of your brother-in-law too, but this is between you guys. Try to keep the mood light and bright by heavily spiking the eggnog.

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) Pandora has timed it beautifully! Her year-long diet which she started January 1 of this year is coming to an end and she looks fabulous. She swore that this year things would be different, and she would be able to buy a sexy dress for New Year’s: short, tight, and revealing. On her way down to her goal weight she had to give up everything she loved: bread, pasta, cookies, candy, popcorn, chips, soda, cheese, salad dressing, crackers, eggs, red meat, white meat, fatty fish, alcohol, Chinese food, Italian food, French food, Mexican food, German food, Polish food, Iranian food, food from Burkina Faso, pizza, egg rolls, lasagna, Mint Milanos, Peanut M&Ms, pretzel M&Ms, Tostitos, Snickers, and Whoopie Pies, but in the end it was worth it, and we hear she’ll be out of the hospital in time for Christmas.

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)

 

 

THALIA - the Comedian Thalia wishes everyone a very Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Jolly Kwanzaa and a wonderful and prosperous New Year! That doesn’t mean however that she’s going to let you steal her parking space at the mall, serve her a rare steak when she asked for it “medium”, or put her on hold for 20 minutes. Other than that, she loves everybody and wishes them well this holiday season!

 

©2011 Debra Victoroff