ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

 

Someone is going to contact you via the Internet offering you untold riches for a very small investment. This person will have a vaguely African-sounding name and hail from the Ivory Coast and will exhibit a sweet inability to cobble a sentence together, except when it comes to how to send your money to them. You will also receive offers to enlarge your penis, enlarge your breasts and enlarge your upstairs bathroom. Of these, take the offer to enlarge your breasts, because we all can use larger breasts, right?

 

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)

 

The 3rd through the 7th you are really going to covet your neighbor's new red Mini-Cooper. From the 9th to the 14th, you'll be staring in envy at your neighbor's new Belgian block-lined driveway. On the 15th you'll be slightly nauseous when a Viking stove is delivered to your neighbor's front door and on the 22nd through the 25th, you wont believe your eyes when a personal trainer who looks like Johnny Depp pulls up in their driveway. Soon enough, an episode of "Inside Edition" will explain everything.

 

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)

 

This is your month to build up those bonds that have been frayed by all conflicts of a busy life. Get together with some old friends. Girls night out! Yahoo! Head over to T.G.I.F. Fridays for some hot wings, potato skins and fried mozzarella. Have a few frozen margaritas, and don't forget about the free tequila shots with every basket of French fries! By the end of the night those old bonds will be good as new, which is great because you'll be needing someone to hold your head over the toilet bowl.

 

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)

 

'You have the power to lose that extra weight, learn a second language, take cooking courses at night, pay all your bills (without putting any checks into the wrong envelopes), and make mad, passionate love to your partner 4 nights a week. So why don't you get up off your duff and do it? Stop whining!. SMACK!! [sound of sock filled with manure hitting head of astrologer] Sorry about that! My niece took over while I went to pee and is she ever bitter! Um, I agree with her in that this month, you'll be able to pay your bills without too much trouble. Disregard the rest.

 

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)

 

Your feet will hurt this month from all the walking you'll be doing since your car is going to run out of gas on the expressway on your way to buy a birthday present for some kid in your kid's 3rd grade class that you don't even know, but whose mother you think is a total moron whose conversation consists solely of where she and her boring investment banker husband went on their last vacation. You were going shopping on the 21st. If you go online today, you can get something decent delivered by the 30th.

 

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)

The early part of the month looks good as that project you've been nursing comes to fruition. Unfortunately the project will start rotting and attracting little tiny flies that are great when you're doing Mendelian studies about genetic heritage, but aren't the least bit helpful when your project is all about fresh fruit.

 

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)

 

Your siblings are really starting to get on your nerves. They will not stop bugging you even though you were the only one who had the guts to tell your mom about the website featuring naked photos of your Junior High Principal, and you were the one who picked her birthday gift, went out and bought it, hauled it home and wrapped it and sent it, AND you're hosting the big family barbeque in August even though you really don't have the biggest yard. Nothing will change unless you realize you are, in fact, an only child.

 

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)

 

Laughter is the best medicine, right after two Vicodins and a swig of Nyquil. But seriously, after two Vicodins everything is a lot funnier. Actually if you're Rush Limbaugh, eight Oxy-Contins and two Viagras is the funniest combo of all, as long as you don't get caught in an airport bathroom with your pants down.

 

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)

 

Pluto and Saturn are duking it out once again on your behalf! Those big galoots! Don't they know not to drink and orbit? If you wait until they've finish their battle, you may have a way out of that dilemma you're facing. Keep an eye on the heavens for answers on the 16th, but just not right before you step off the curb.

 

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)

 

You are going on a well-deserved vacation, even thought you didn't know about it, it's totally unplanned, you haven't packed or had a pedicure or even showered for God's sake, nor do you know where you're going or if they'll have mosquito netting, let alone cable TV. All we can tell you is that you'll be leaving in the early part of the month and that you'll be traveling once, again, in coach.

 

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)

 

This month it's time to review your closet contents to see what goes and what stays. If you have anything under size 8, Venus is chuckling. If you have anything left from that major diet last year when you were a size 6 for about seven minutes, Uranus is out and out snorting. If you really must keep that pair of Capri's that fits you like sausage casing, that's up to you, but the other constellations are going to talk.

 

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)

 

Your boss is very happy with your work and may reward you with monetary compensation or a better position. Make sure if he offers you "a better position", that there are witnesses. If he offers you monetary compensation and a better position, you might want to reconsider your line of work.

 

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own)

 

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)

 

You may find yourself with some extra income when the ATM you use malfunctions and starts spitting out twenty-dollar bills. You'll be faced with a moral dilemma slightly larger than whether to keep the extra Splenda packet that got stuck to the one you actually picked up, but smaller than whether to report that you tore the bumper clean off that Toyota when you were trying to double park. Your decision about how to handle each situation will determine the kind of person you want to be. No pressure!