ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)Athena is celebrating a birthday sometime this month, or maybe we missed it.  At any rate, a horoscope birthday goes the whole course of the astral path so you can still get dinners paid for through April 19th.   In addition, Athenas can claim they're astrologically still one year younger so take advantage of your sign!

 

 

 

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) March came in like an anemic lion, but don't blame it in the big cat – it's the fault of global warming.  Also, pity poor March who will go out like a sheared lamb.  Not the lamb's fault.  Take advantage of the warmish weather and start planting your garden.  Pretty soon, even in upstate New York, lemon and fig trees will flourish.

 

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) Take care of yourself in preparation for the blossoming of spring.  Have you taken a good look at your heels?  Aphrodite would do well to go get herself a nice mani-pedi.  The winter months do no favors for any woman unless she's been off her feet since October.

 

 

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22) This month your mother complains about your taste in men.  This is not dissimilar from last month, nor the month previous, it's just since it's been staying light longer, your mom is getting a good look at whom you're bringing to family get-togethers.  Ignore your mom, or tell your boyfriend you'll see him again when the clocks get turned back in the fall.

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22) Demeter has trouble falling to sleep this month as the end of daylight savings has messed up her internal clock.  The ticking of the internal clock almost drowns out the ticking of her biological clock.  With all these timepieces clicking and whirring away inside her, it's a miracle Demeter can get any sleep.  Try taking a nap in the afternoon, or perhaps get pregnant.

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22) Vesta took some time off from the gym and is paying the price.  At her age, 6 weeks off can undo all the good she's done over the last 10 years.  Try to ease your way back into an exercise routine by bending over to pick up dropped packages, car keys and the remote, instead of trying to grab them with your feet.

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) This is a difficult time for Persephone; these weeks in spring between waiting anxiously for the beginning of the new seasons of "Mad Men" and "Homeland" are making her feel like an addict waiting for a fix.  Never fear, these shows will be back and better than ever, and we can all put down our books and go back to ignoring our spouses and return to staring at the TV screen as we were meant to.

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21) Leda needs to expand her knowledge base.  It was difficult at a recent party when people were discussing things about which Leda knows nothing, like the stock market and the Euro; she thought the Euro was that crazy Korean dance everyone was watching on You Tube and was totally embarrassed when she suggested everyone was being way dramatic when they said it was hurting the European Union.

 

 

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21) Echo suffers a pang of loneliness when a child leaves for college or a husband simply leaves.  Of course there are mixed feelings because she finally has the house to herself: long hot baths, lying on the couch watching episodes of "Revenge", sleeping late, lunches with the girls... Remember: sometimes loss is gain.

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January19) As befitting Pandora's name, she over packs for a weekend away with her new lover.  What to take when you want to look fabulous 24 hours a day for 48 hours?  Pandora packs satin slippers, two pairs of high heels, a pair of flats, boots for hiking, fashion boots, tennis shoes, flip flops, 2 nighties, a raincoat, a quilted jacket, 2 blouses, three sweaters, a pair of jeans, a pair of shorts, a bathing suit, dress pants, an evening gown, a little black dress, a skirt, stockings, socks, 6 La Perla thongs, workout clothes, make-up bag, and a tennis racket. When she realizes they're just going to his apartment on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, she takes out the bathing suit.

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18) Spring brings the urge to try something new!  Sign up for a class and explore a new skill-set.  Painting or cooking classes can be a lot of fun; knitting and macramé are lost arts to be rediscovered. Don't let yourself get competitive: since your fellow students will mostly be 80-year-old women, it would be really mean.

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) Now's the time to plan your summer vacation.  If you want to rent a house on the beach, you have to move quickly; you're not the only one with that idea.  Plane reservations are a must; start looking now for the best prices because they're going fast.  If you want to book a hotel, you may be too late already: hurry!  Vacation planning has gotten so stressful, one needs to plan a vacation from the planning of vacations.

 

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)

 

 

THALIA - the Comedian Thalia realizes she's a part of something bigger than herself: she's Maria in a community production of West Side Story!   Or perhaps

something else where she has to be in front of people communicating

about love and loss and murder. She might also just be on an episode

of "Wives With Knives"; the astral reading is a little fuzzy on this

one.

 

©2013 Debra Victoroff