ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)Stand your ground and don't let anyone push you around this month.  It's your turn to get a seat on the subway so don't let old ladies and small children intimidate you.  They aren't as tough as they seem, at least above 14th street.

 

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) Partners and colleagues may get on your nerves between May 3rd and May 15th.  Wait until mid-May before you say something you might regret.  Prior to the 16th anything you say can and will be used against you, particularly by that bitch at reception.

 

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21) Don't be so stingy with your time as someone close to you really needs your advice.  Whether it's your mother wondering if she should join a cult, or your best friend wondering if she should sleep with her dentist, May is the month to speak up.   Otherwise be prepared to listen to your mother discuss her reinvigorated vagina.

 

 

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22) You have a feeling you've been wronged by a friend when your group seems to be drawing away from you.  Did she tell them about the bed bug issue at your apartment or that you have a habit of putting uneaten dinner rolls in your purse for later?  You can't be sure.  Maybe you should plan a little get together in your apartment to clear the air. Suggest that everyone hang their jackets in your closet except for the back-stabbing friend who can just put her coat on your bed.

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)There is more than one path to your goal.  You can work hard, or you can just lay on the couch and whine.  One method is more effective than the other but it depends on what you want.  If you want to get a new job, it takes perseverance and tenacity.  If you just want to get out of unloading the dishwasher, whine away.

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)Stop pretending you're something that you're not.  You are neither the most beautiful woman in the room, nor the ugliest and it's unhealthy to think in those terms either way.  The way you are seen by others says more about them than you.  If all the men keep offering to buy you a drink, that just shows how shallow they are and how good you look in that outfit.

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23) May will be tough; there's no way around it.  There will be some illness close to you and a perhaps a job loss.  A divorce is imminent.  An investment property will burn to the ground and a pet will be kidnapped.  Wait a minute: that's the plot to Hulu's  new digital "All My Children".  Good news!  The soaps are back.  May is salvaged!

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21) Go out and buy yourself something pretty now that spring is here.  After a long winter you deserve something that makes you happy, and the perfect little dress, or even a new pair of earrings will cheer you up without breaking the bank like a trip to the Bahamas or a new car would.  Of course, if you can afford a vacation or a cute little mini-Cooper, let's not be ridiculous: who needs another sundress?

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)This month's Venus-Mars connection will take you by surprise.  You knew they were friends but you always thought Mars was gay, and that Venus wanted a planet that made more money.  Their connection however, will be a boon to your own sex life when Jupiter asks if they "know anybody they can fix him up with".

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January19) If a friend requests of you something beyond your power to deliver, you must let them know.  Saying "yes" by reflex is a habit you have to break, even if it means hurting a friend's feelings temporarily.  Sometimes keeping a friendship alive depends on one's ability to say, "no" to requests for money, a job, or a night with your boyfriend.

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18) Travel plans are subject to delays due to an aberration in the moon's astral path.  Also due to federal furloughs of air-traffic controllers.  Make sure you confirm your reservations and have a back-up plan in place in case you get stranded.  If you get stranded in the Caribbean, your back-up plan is to shred all your personal documents and order another Mojito.

 

 

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20) There's no point in getting emotional over things you can't control.  If you were born to a family of idiots, there's not a lot you can do.  Everyone has a sibling or a parent who drives them nuts, but all you can do is give those who get on your nerves a wide berth.  Sometimes this will mean missing a few family gatherings; sometimes it will mean moving out of the country for years.  When you move back you'll have a grace period of about 2 weeks before it all starts over.

 

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own sign)

 

 

THALIA - the Comedian Thalia realizes she's a part of something bigger than herself: she's Maria in a community production of West Side Story!   Or perhaps

something else where she has to be in front of people communicating

about love and loss and murder. She might also just be on an episode

of "Wives With Knives"; the astral reading is a little fuzzy on this

one.

 

©2013 Debra Victoroff