ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

 

The heat of the summer is just beginning to wane and with it, all hopes of fitting into that black maillot you bought in February. Don't let your last few weeks of August slip away without trying that new diet everyone is touting - the "Oh my God, is that me? Diet" which is typically inspired just after you see the full length pictures your friends took at the beach.

 

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)

 

A vacation you've been planning for weeks is just days away. Where are the tickets anyway? Did you rent a car really or did you just think about it and then never do it. Did you ever get the mask and snorkel back from your sister-in-law? Why didn't the hotel ever get back to you about moving your room from directly above the dumpsters to the ones with a view? Are you sure this vacation is worth all the anxiety?

 

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)

 

The 5th brings a moment of excitement when you realize that you've locked your keys inside your running car. Although your car is a Saturn, the planet Saturn is (as usual) of no help to you, although Mercury thinks it has an extra set and would happily mail them to you if only there was a post office on Mercury. Lesson for today - keep your extra keys on the planet earth.

 

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)

 

'The 8 through the 15th this month looks good for completing all those home cleaning projects you've been putting off. You haven't been in the basement for way too long, and the varmints and critters down there are having a hell of a time with your old record albums. It's high time you show them who's boss! Make sure that, along with the broom and mop, you take a semi-automatic weapon in case the varmints and critters have other ideas.

 

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)

 

The planets portend a sale of great magnitude at a local department store! Empty the piggy bank - mama needs a new pair of shoes! Some coats and cocktail dresses will also be going for half price but whatever you do, don't go near the "casuals"; Neptune warns that the zippers on most of the slacks are not to be trusted.

 

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)

 

You're getting older, and once again, it's happening this month. Your friends are sympathetic, as well as your pedicurist who is concerned that your little toe really shouldn't be permitted out in public. At one time, it was really cute but now it looks like a toy dwarf with a bad back. Aging does funny things to a gal so you can look forward to lots of laughs.

 

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)

 

The weather is changing and so is your boyfriend. He used to be on the cranky side, but now he walks around with a smile and a frisky attitude. You've noticed that he's started to floss and to use Q-Tips in the way nature intended them to be used. Could it be he's having an affair? Who cares?! As long as he doesn't walk around with flax seed stuck between his teeth, you're willing to compromise.

 

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)

 

You are developing a real fear of flying and it's not just because people you don't know are trying to blow your plane up. It's the fact that the stewardesses act like they wish you weren't there, and that they had taken their mother's advice and gone to paralegal school. This is the month to start exploring alternative methods of travel. If you're willing to spend some quality time at a local truck stop, the big rigs are now showing movies on most cross-country hauls.

 

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)

 

The 4th and the 18th are great days to check out all the fresh fruits and vegetables that are at the markets this summer. The 9th, 10th and 11th are better for melons and berries. Sunflowers and daisies are blooming like mad and are at their peak color on the 22nd, but will be wilted by the 24th. Red meat is good all month, but chicken takes a turn for the worse on the 9th. Tofu is your best bet now.

 

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)

 

Jupiter suggests you get furry little companion this month, and leaves it up to you what the best companion should be. You argue that you already have a furry companion and it's already costing a fortune to keep his back waxed. Jupiter meant like a dog or a cat or something, but this is only the beginning of your misunderstandings with Jupiter.

 

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)

 

You met someone on vacation and he's all you can think about lately. He was handsome and charming and had that Italian thing with the cigarettes and the accent, and you wonder why you bothered to come home. Especially since you owe someone money and they are really anxious to be paid back. Perhaps this is a good month to take advantage of your Italian connection, particularly if he's in the Mafia.

 

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)

 

This month you are looking your best and feeling great too. Take advantage of this time and go out and make yourself seen. The stars don't mean in a cheap or unseemly way, like you have done in the past, but with legitimate meetings with friends that have jobs that they can mention in front of your parents. Your mother might be right on the 15th.

 

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own)

 

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)

 

You feel insecure and afraid. Is it the fact that the world is teetering on the brink of World War III or is it that your new heels are just a teeny bit too tall for you? The universe recommends you trade in those heels along with the governing party of your country if you want to regain any sense of security in this lifetime.