ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

 

This month brings you your own shock and awe as sometime next week you take a big bite of pepperoni from Original Ray's Pizza and burn 80% of the tissue off the roof of your mouth. This causes you to talk with a lisp for the 21st through the 24th. On the 25th, you will receive a subpoena from your mouth's lawyer.

 

 

 

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)

You are one of those people who relies heavily on your internal clock since you apparently cannot trust the electric one. You've tried setting it before you get in bed and you've tried waking up in the middle of the night to double check that it's set. You've put one next to the bed and one across the room on the dresser and still they always fail you. All that changes on the 7th when your brother-in-law suggests you try plugging them in.

 

 

APHRODITE - the Impossibly Thin-Thighed (May 21-June 21)

 

You will find yourself accomplishing much at work this week and next but the third week this month finds you at TGI Fridays downing pitchers of Budweiser with those two idiots from the IT department. Between the 27th and the end of the month you'll eat one plate of friend potato skins over the legal limit, and later be pulled over for extremely high cholesterol. Both Jupiter and Lipitor are in your house now.

 

 

 

DIANA - the Bargain Hunter (June 22-July 22)

 

An incredibly cute guy winks at you as the elevator doors are closing which leads to your riding the elevator 6 times a day in the hopes of running into Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome again. At some point you discover they've given you a hat and a little jacket with epaulets and you're saying things like, "4th floor: sporting goods, outerwear and small appliances. Watch your step exiting the elevator and have a nice day!" Venus and Mars align to suggest you press the Lobby button and get out of the elevator now.

 

 

 

DEMETER - the Condom Bearer (July 23-August 22)

 

The Sun and Saturn seem to be at it again when you find that every parking space within a mile of the mall is taken. Round and round you go, trying to find someplace to park as others pull in before you. Resist the temptation to utilize the handicap space; that lady with the walker and the mean left hook is watching you.

 

 

 

VESTA - the Lover of Laundry (August 23-September 22)

 

This month Meg Ryan's lips become so big and rubbery and raft-like that you decide to buy them and use them in the pool for the kids. It's loads of fun until some kid using Pamela Anderson's breasts as water wings punctures Meg's lips and all the kids get dunked. Everybody's OK when a quick thinker throws Lara Flynn Boyle in the pool and the kids climb out using her rib cage.

 

 

 

PERSEPHONE - the One Who Never Wears White After Labor Day (September 23-October 23)

 

Those shoes you saw in Lucky Magazine aren't that lucky for you when you decide to wear them out and realize about two hours into your evening that your feet aren't shaped like triangles. When you try to get them off your feet, they won't budge and you find yourself sitting on the side of your tub with a jar of Vaseline and some pinking shears. Sometime around the 28th you finally get them off but unfortunately you have to sacrifice your little toe. On the bright side, everything fits now!

 

 

 

LEDA - the Wearer of Tu Tus (October 24-November 21)

 

Mars inspires friction at home when your husband wants to watch the World Series and you want to watch that movie you rented from Netflix two months ago and still haven't taken out of the envelope. Creative thinking solves the problem when you rip the cable out of the wall and threaten to beat him with it if he doesn't hand over the remote. After the movie, give him a big kiss and assure him you were, as always, "just kidding".

 

 

 

ECHO - the One With All the Good Gossip (November 22-December 21)

 

A trip to the grocery store provides you with great joy on the 4th when you find that, in fact, Joy dishwashing soap is on sale for 99 cents a bottle. You buy 8 bottles because you know a good deal when you see one and also you remember that soaking in it prevents wrinkles, or maybe hemorrhoids. Now you just have to remember what it is you're supposed to soak in it.

 

 

 

PANDORA - the One Who Always Overpacks (December 22-January 19)

 

Venus provides you with a near perfect three weeks this month and all you have to do is take advantage of it. Wake up early and often; in fact you may not want to sleep at all the 11th through the 17th in case you miss something good. You can try drinking 12 cans of Red Bull during the day, but one pre-bedtime viewing of "Chainsaw Massacre III" will provide the same effect.

 

 

 

PSYCHE - the Headcase (January 20-February 18)

 

A happy message comes in the mail this month when your kid gets accepted to that private day-care center "60 Minutes" did a piece on last year. How smart your child is, and how lucky you are that he or she is on his or her way to Harvard! It's too bad you'll have to sell your house and move into your car to pay for his/her school but the stars don't like it when you renege on a promise!

 

 

 

PHOEBE - the Unlikely Sit-Com Star (February 19-March 20)

 

You can't believe your favorite TV show is already showing repeats and it's only October! What is it with these television networks you wonder? Why don't they realize that you can't watch the same episode three weeks in a row without deciding that you should really finish "Anna Karenina" after all. Uranus is a ridiculous name for a planet but maybe not such a dumb name for TV executives this month and next.

 

 

Bonus Horoscope (for those who didn't like their own)

 

THALIA - the Upper West Side Theater (aka the Leonard Nimoy)

 

Early this month you decide once and for all to break a bad habit. Choosing which bad habit is the only tricky part. Should you give up smoking or Snickers bars? Vodka or Tequila? Biting your nails or your lower lip? Staying up late or sleeping in? Swearing or gossiping? For God's sake, pick one! And make sure you get some therapy - you're a mess!