HURRAH! YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED!

By Kristin Dreyer Kramer

 

So, you're getting married. It's darn well about time, don't you think? You're not getting any younger, you know. You were starting to worry about the possibility of spending your life single and alone, weren't you? Doomed to a life of knitting doilies, buying books called Cooking for One, reading Reader's Digest, and talking to your twelve cats. But all of that is no longer a concern - because you've finally hooked a husband! Congratulations!

 

So now comes the fun part - planning the wedding. You want this to be the most spectacular day of your life, right? You want everyone to be in awe, right? Of course you do! Here, then, are a few tips to make your wedding day as showy as possible.

 

1) Make it known to the world.

 

You want everyone to know that you're getting married. You want everyone to know just how outrageously happy your life is - much more than anyone else's life, of course. For that reason, you need to think long and hard about how to announce your upcoming wedding.

 

Forget those plain old engagement announcements. Everyone does that - and you'd just blend in. Instead, consider something a little more creative - and a little more obvious. Perhaps skywriting is a good idea. Of course, that all depends on the weather. If it's a cloudy day, some people may miss your announcement. For that reason, I recommend taking out a full-page ad in any newspaper that may be read by someone you know.

 

When you place your ad, be sure to include a large picture of the two of you (looking euphorically happy), a bio of your fiancé (include important details, such as occupation and income), and a close-up picture of your diamond.

 

2) Ensure that everyone else will pale in comparison to your beauty.

 

It's your day, and thus you should look like a princess. And everyone else should look like trolls. As soon as you get engaged (maybe even sooner, if possible) it's critical that you stop eating. You have to lose weight! No matter what you look like, you're definitely much too fat to be a bride. In fact, wedding dresses don't even come in sizes larger than a size two. So start consuming nothing but water and celery now, and you should be ready to be married in about four years.

 

At the same time, you need to start growing our your hair. It would be disgraceful for a bride to have hair that was to short to be swept in a graceful beehive on the wedding day. If your hair is especially short, then you may want to consider hair extensions.

 

Oh, yes. And don't forget that every bride must also be blonde.

 

 

So while you're waiting for your hair to grow and lighten and the pounds to miraculously disappear, you'll need to start making appointments with the following professionals: manicurists, pedicurists, hair stylists, electrolysists, therapists, masseuses, psychic friends, and makeup artists. Be sure to schedule for both trial appointments and final appointments.

 

Then, it's time to go dress shopping! Don't settle for less than the very best. If it takes full months of shopping, so be it. But you must look like a fairy princess on your wedding day. You need something that requires a motorized cart to wheel around - something that requires eight to sixteen trainbearers. Something fabulous!

 

Once you've found it, it's time to choose the bridesmaids' dresses. Don't worry about looking at price tags - because they have to pay! Don't try to work with skin coloring or body shape, either. It's your day, and you can pick whatever you want. If you're a wise bride, you've already chosen your homeliest friends as attendants (wouldn't want anyone to out-shine the bride!). To complete the look, it's best to choose the most hideous dress you can find - and choose a color that virtually no one can wear - like chartreuse.

 

3) Select the perfect guests.

 

When it comes time to send out invitations, choose wisely. Invite those whose faces you really want to rub in your joy and happiness. Thus, your guest list should include ex-boyfriends (especially the ones who are much less successful and handsome than your fiancé), all of your female friends who are still single (and who will inevitably be thrown into fits of bitterness and depression - perhaps you should have a therapist on-site), and everyone who's ever said that you'd never get married (especially those who said, "I'd pay to see that" - because they surely will).

 

It's also wise to have some sort of media coverage at your wedding. What better way to announce your marriage than with your very own newspaper coverage? This plan, however, may take a bit of thought. Perhaps you could get your ex-boyfriends and single friends to protest, weeping outside the church.

 

4) Cash in!

 

Since you're getting married, it's your right to receive lots and lots of expensive gifts. To do this, you must have as many parties as possible - engagement parties, bridal showers, whatever. You can't throw these yourself, though, so you'll need to make it clear to each one of your attendants, friends, relatives, neighbors, coworkers, and dental hygienists that it's their duty to throw you a party. You are, after all, getting married. And when people get married, other people throw them parties and buy them expensive presents.

 

5) Make your surroundings look like a Hollywood production.

 

As I've said before, your wedding should be as grandiose and impressive as possible. Your surroundings when you say your vows should be extravagant enough to make your wedding video look like a major motion picture (and maybe, when it's all over, you can make some extra money by selling your video to Universal or Disney or someone).

 

Why not make the church look like a tropical rain forest? That would be very impressive. You should remember, however, to be careful when choosing the wild animals. For instance, I've heard that some varieties of parrot get quite loud and violent if they're exposed to certain varieties of snapdragon.

 

6) Carefully choreograph your reception.

 

We've all been to disastrous wedding receptions - when the best man took full advantage of the open bar and proceeded to embarrass the bride and groom during his toast. That's why you should be sure to script the speeches for your reception. If you write each person's speech, you won't have to worry about your in-laws hearing any stories about the stupid things you did when you were in high school.

 

Don't hold back when writing you reception speeches! The longer - and the more detailed - the better. Everyone loves long speeches - much more than eating wedding cake. Tell in-depth stories about all of the wonderful things you've done and the witty things you've said. If you've never done anything wonderful or said anything witty, just make them up. No one will know the difference.

 

You, too, can have the wedding of your dreams! With a lot of time and effort (you'll want to quit your job as soon as possible - you won't have enough time for it) and the help of your friends and family (and everyone you've ever known whose talents you can take advantage of), you'll have no problem being the best bride ever! And years from now, you'll look back at your pictures, and you'll remember just how perfect it all was - because you took the time to make it that way!

 

About the author:

 

Kristin Dreyer Kramer escaped (barely!) from advertising agency life and is now a freelance writer (starving artist) who peddles her wares to a number of publications (under a number of super-secret identities). She recently snagged herself a new husband (Paul), who somehow manages to put up with her incessant silliness. You can reach Kristin for compliments, complaints, and generous donations at krdrkr@hotmail.com. And you can read her bi-weekly column about her recent wedding-planning insanity (it's called "Veils and Flamethrowers") at YourWeddingPlan.