How to be Miserable in Ten Easy Men or Less!

By Rondi Adamson

 

Tired of being happy? Tired of being involved with all of those men who want to marry you? If it seems the joy will never end, there does exist a simple solution. Look for a different kind of man. Stop going for those dreaded "nice" guys who are honest, have values and are, yes, BORING. Choose the road less travelled and see if it doesn't make all the difference. Pretty soon you'll be down in the dumps, kleenex always in hand, vodka bottle nearby to numb that frontal lobe. You'll be so miserable you won't love company anymore, because you'll drive it all away. Except of course, for the men in your life. The new, awful guys you should start chasing after. Guys like these never disappear. If you don't know who I'm talking about, please read on. After all, I just want you to stop smiling.

 

1) The Drug Addict, aka "The Skank." This man can be a lot of fun, especially after he's snorted cocaine. He's a great dancer and a great date. Those qualities can suck you in, but once you're in, you're in for a wild ride. Beware his massive moodswings! Beware his pathological dishonesty! Beware his constant need for money -- he will take yours and any "loans" will not be returned. He will put you in danger of legal trouble. Do not, I repeat, do not, cross any internationals borders with him, or bring packages anywhere for him. If you want misery with this skank, find him in the film community, the fashion industry and the "import-export" business.

 

2) The Tomcat, aka "The Puer Aeternus." He's just a boy who can't say no. Even without a baby face, there's something boyish about him. Like a little kid, he'll make you feel that urge to cuddle him and make sure he feels loved. And without you, there'd only be, oh, fifteen other women making him feel loved. There are usually reasons for his huge success with the fairer sex, so who could blame you for putting up with him? And unlike the Skank he can found in many walks of life. One caveat -- if you must be miserable with a Tomcat, make sure he uses a condom, or you may be miserable forever.

 

3) The Married Man, aka "The Cad." Akin to the Tomcat, the Cad thinks one woman is not enough, least of all the one he's vowed to keep himself only unto till death do they part. This is one of your few gateways to misery who can be found virtually anywhere, in all shapes, ages and sizes. Oh, he has his advantages. Marriage has taught him to hang up towels after he showers, to put dishes in the sink and to flatter, flatter, flatter. You'll get great gifts from the Cad, and since he can only see you in the afternoons, your evenings will still be open for other lousy men. So he may not seem like a candidate for total misery. But make no mistake, he'll still rip your heart out in the long run.

 

4) The Sexually Confused, aka "The Both Sides Now." He of the Ambiguous Sexual Orientation always appeals to women, since, like his openly gay brethren, he is often sensitive, well-dressed and enjoys shopping. You can try to convince yourself that this fellow is straight, but if you have any doubts about his leanings, he probably does too. If he knows what a "sorbet" color is, for example, consider yourself warned. And while this may give him allure, like the Cad, the Both Sides Now will ultimately destroy you. After all, being cheated on is bad enough, but when the cheating is done with every other gender, it really does a number on your self-esteem.

 

5) The Alcoholic, aka "The Lush." Similar to the Skank except the Lush is considerably easier to find. And depending on whether he is a happy/sad/flirtatious/ angry drunk, you may not find him that hard to deal with. He has his advantages. He is usually generous, particularly after a few drinks, and again unlike the Skank, you can safely cross international borders with him. You may just have to stop at the Sky Bar first. A few months with this guy will have you making excuses, covering up, lying and probably drinking too much along with him. Think of the hangovers! Think of your exploding liver!

 

6) The Friends With All His Exes, aka "The Uber-Cool." An unfortunate by-product of the 1960s, this gent loves to revel in his own sense of sophistication. And if you object to having to hang out with all his former loves, he'll chastise you for your "paranoia" and "narrow-mindedness." Hey, shouldn't we all love each other? (No!) Why all this insecurity? (Because the 60s are over, loser!) The Uber Cool can do more than just hurt you. He can make you doubt your own common sense. And what could be more depressing than having to make nice with babes he used to sleep with? Eeeuuww!

 

7) The Perpetually Unemployed, aka "The Parasite." We're not talking about someone who just lost his job. The Parasite is someone who doesn't see being employed as a priority. But he does see your being employed as a priority. Like the Skank, "loans" to this fellow are anything but. Consider them gifts, because you won't get them back. Hey, what could make you more miserable than a man who has no self-respect?

 

8) The Cheapskate, aka "The Weasel." The Weasel is a half-brother to the Parasite, the only difference being that's he is employed, more often than not with an income notably greater than yours. He just doesn't think you're worthy of having any of that money spent on you. Mean-spirited, stingy, selfish and always looking out for his own, the Weasel will make a terrible boyfriend, husband and father. What more could you want?

 

9) The Arrogant Slime, aka "The Way Too Full of Himself." We've all met one, but we haven't all had the misfortune of dating one. The Way Too Full of Himself likes to talk about all the women he has after him, how easy it is for him to get lucky and so forth. Often good-looking and tall, he is famous for the following phrases; "I've got a lot of women trying to snare me," "baby, don't get hooked on me" and "right now, I have to think about my own needs." If you're over 30, his immediate assumption will be that you want to settle down with him and make babies, and if you're stupid enough to do so, knock yourself out!

 

10) The Commitmentphobe, aka "The Gutless Wonder." More an object of pity than contempt, the Gutless Wonder spends most of his time playing that most favorite of party-games, "come here/go away." Leaving him is the hardest part of the relationship, since he always wants you back. Not being able to commit also means not being able to be alone, and unless you're willing to brutally burn this bridge, he'll keep you crying ad infinitum.

 

So there you have them: the keys to misery. The best thing about these men is you don't need all ten of them to sink into the abyss. Two or three of them should suffice to ruin your life, or even one -- as long as you date several of him over the years. So break out the tranquilizers, have that 24-hour crisis phoneline number committed to memory and turn that smile upside down! As the ad for the movie of your life will say, "you'll cry, you'll cry, you'll cry."

 

6) The Friends With All His Exes, aka "The Uber-Cool." An unfortunate by-product of the 1960s, this gent loves to revel in his own sense of sophistication. And if you object to having to hang out with all his former loves, he'll chastise you for your "paranoia" and "narrow-mindedness." Hey, shouldn't we all love each other? (No!) Why all this insecurity? (Because the 60s are over, loser!) The Uber Cool can do more than just hurt you. He can make you doubt your own common sense. And what could be more depressing than having to make nice with babes he used to sleep with? Eeeuuww!

 

7) The Perpetually Unemployed, aka "The Parasite." We're not talking about someone who just lost his job. The Parasite is someone who doesn't see being employed as a priority. But he does see your being employed as a priority. Like the Skank, "loans" to this fellow are anything but. Consider them gifts, because you won't get them back. Hey, what could make you more miserable than a man who has no self-respect?

 

8) The Cheapskate, aka "The Weasel." The Weasel is a half-brother to the Parasite, the only difference being that's he is employed, more often than not with an income notably greater than yours. He just doesn't think you're worthy of having any of that money spent on you. Mean-spirited, stingy, selfish and always looking out for his own, the Weasel will make a terrible boyfriend, husband and father. What more could you want?

 

9) The Arrogant Slime, aka "The Way Too Full of Himself." We've all met one, but we haven't all had the misfortune of dating one. The Way Too Full of Himself likes to talk about all the women he has after him, how easy it is for him to get lucky and so forth. Often good-looking and tall, he is famous for the following phrases; "I've got a lot of women trying to snare me," "baby, don't get hooked on me" and "right now, I have to think about my own needs." If you're over 30, his immediate assumption will be that you want to settle down with him and make babies, and if you're stupid enough to do so, knock yourself out!

 

10) The Commitmentphobe, aka "The Gutless Wonder." More an object of pity than contempt, the Gutless Wonder spends most of his time playing that most favorite of party-games, "come here/go away." Leaving him is the hardest part of the relationship, since he always wants you back. Not being able to commit also means not being able to be alone, and unless you're willing to brutally burn this bridge, he'll keep you crying ad infinitum.

 

So there you have them: the keys to misery. The best thing about these men is you don't need all ten of them to sink into the abyss. Two or three of them should suffice to ruin your life, or even one -- as long as you date several of him over the years. So break out the tranquilizers, have that 24-hour crisis phoneline number committed to memory and turn that smile upside down! As the ad for the movie of your life will say, "you'll cry, you'll cry, you'll cry."

 

 

©2001 Rondi Adamson