How to Land a Rock Star in Five Easy Steps

 

By Vanessa Catanzaro

 

Dreaming of a rock star to call your own? All musicians, from loud-mouthed punk rockers to sensitive folk singers - are looking for the right woman to shower with affection and exotic gifts. Follow these simple guidelines and before you know it, teenagers everywhere will dedicate songs to their crushes, not knowing the song is really about … you!

 

1. Set your sights. Ask yourself: what am I looking for from this relationship? Money? Fame? The deep satisfaction and validation that comes from the love of a man who dropped out of college to play guitar all day? Billboard and Pollstar provide excellent sources of earnings information for those seeking a more secure partner, while alternative music magazines provide plenty of opportunities to scope for just the right pair of soulful eyes for those dreaming of a hopelessly romantic poet.

 

2. Quit your job. Having to be into the office at 9 detracts from your ability to drink in a cheap hotel room until dawn six nights a week or to spontaneously follow your chosen rock star to his next concert in Kansas City. Anyway, once you're a rock star's wife, you can spend all his money - so rack up that credit card debt now!

 

3. Track your quarry. All bands go on the road sooner or later; when your rock star's band comes to your area, attend every show within at least a six-hour drive. This will provide you with the maximum number of opportunities to make an impression. In-store and TV or radio studio performances offer much smaller crowds and better potential for personal contact. Don't forget to call every hotel in the metropolitan area you're visiting until you find the one where your rock star is staying! Book a room at the same hotel and request that it be as close to his as possible so you can "accidentally" bump into him the hall.

 

4. Catch his eye. If you've selected a member of an up-and-coming band, this can be as easy as chatting with him in the bar after the show. If you need to stand out in a larger crowd, think creatively. The band's logo dyed into your hair, or even better, tattooed on your back is sure to be well-received. If tight leather pants and see-through shirts aren't your style, remember that bands on the road are frequently homesick. A plate of fresh-baked cookies or a lasagna made from scratch will demonstrate your thoughtfulness and sensitivity to the needs of the working musician, as well as showing your potential as a nurturing wife.

 

5. Walk him down the aisle. Once you've made it this far, getting your rock star to marry you will be a snap. No matter how much he protests that he doesn't want to get married, no musician can resist the bold, impulsive statement that eloping makes - especially if the preacher is Elvis! Just tell your man you've always wanted to make a stop-off at the Chapel of Love and listen as he breaks into a new song: "Here Comes the Bride!"

 

©2003 Vanessa Catanzaro

 

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

When Vanessa Catanzaro isn't drinking martinis or getting her nails done, she's working at her fancy job at the symphony or typing away at her novel. She has previously written for such diverse publications as biographical encyclopedias and two-bit fanzines; one day she hopes to write full-time, or maybe win the lottery. And yes, she owns a lot of records.