Mistakes Have Been Made

By Julie Ward

 

We apologize for the recent Careers feature, "New Opportunities for Pear-Shaped Models." As soon as we published it, the author phoned to say she had submitted it for the Fiction section, or perhaps the Twisted Humor Corner. We did not want to shatter our beloved readers' dreams without checking a few facts first, so we called our sources in the fashion industry and asked, "What is the outlook for the pear-shaped modeling business?" Immediately after our sources stopped laughing and saying, "Good joke," we learned that there are no jobs in fashion for pear-shaped models, and there never have been—not even part time, temporary, pro bono or itinerant. We encourage all of our lovely-on-the-inside, bottom-heavy readers to pursue a more realistic career goal, such as pear-shaped neurosurgeon or pear-shaped rocket scientist.

 

 

Our Parenting story, "Is Your Child Perfect or Are You Just Obnoxious?

5 Ways to Tell," quoted child rearing expert Dr. Robert Fleester. Unfortunately, we recently discovered that Dr. Fleester has not been allowed to practice clinical psychology since the early 1990s because of his irresponsible use of sarcasm and sadism when treating the chronically literal-minded (CLM). This information casts new light on Dr. Fleester's "advice," and we now believe that he was being sarcastic rather than helpful when he said, "Your friends and family really want to hear about your perfect child. Really. They really really do. All the time, in fact. So go ahead and tell them every little thing that your child does oh-so-perfectly, in the most minute detail. Better yet, put it in a blog so the whole world can see." We asked a different child rearing expert, one who has not yet brought shame to the profession, to re-evaluate the conclusions of our article. She is pretty sure your child isn't perfect, and almost certain that you are annoying. We regret any inconvenience this has caused you, such as a false sense of well-being, and/or bewilderment about why the other parents seem to be blocking your phone calls. Rest assured our next "Multitasking Mama" column was written with you in mind—we'll help you work on that annoying personality while you trim your thighs!

 

 

In the Medical Advice column, Dr. Ramses Sesram told the letter writer that he doubted if medication was helping and that she should feel free to discontinue it. Unfortunately, Dr. Sesram meant to type "meditation" instead of "medication." He urges the letter writer, as well as all the lovely psychotic readers in our publication's extended family, to continue to take their psychiatrist-prescribed medication—if it's not too late.

 

 

In the Cooking section, many readers wrote in to complain about our recipe for Gingerbread Friends. Apparently, if you follow step 3 ("Use cinnamon massage oil and rub vigorously"), your Gingerbread Friends turn out uncharacteristically spicy and stiff. We apologize for this breach of trust in our usually dependable relationship. We understand that you rely on us to provide recipes that are delicious and do not remind you of a French whorehouse while you are baking. The Cooking editor has asked us to assure you that she "got this recipe confused with a little something something that you really don't need to concern yourself with," and that it probably won't happen again.

 

 

In our featured Craft, the instructions for crocheting your own fishnet hose in spring's fabulous new colors should have ended but didn't. In reply to our many dear but sarcastic readers, No, we don't know whether the Jolly Green Giant needs a new pair of fishnets. But not to worry, fashionistas—our travel editor reports that fishnet overalls have been spotted this week in Monte Carlo, Miami Beach, Ipanema, and on one runway in New York (well, to be truthful, it was a private airstrip on Staten Island). We humbly ask our dear, disgruntled, crafting readers to make a serious attempt to repurpose their fishnets before their attorneys contact us again.

 

 

Copyright 2005 Julie Ward