Offensive Driving: The Driving Style of Choice

 

By Elaine Langlois

 

"The best defense is a good offense." This axiom of professional sports also applies to driving. Perhaps you are aware that there are styles of driving, just as there are styles of clothing and hair. Some are more desirable than others. Offensive driving is fast becoming the driving style of choice.

 

You have probably heard of defensive driving. This is a fairy-tale set of concepts peddled in driver-ed classes. Defensive drivers supposedly reduce the risk of accident by adjusting to the driving styles of other people, traffic, and road conditions. It should be apparent that this approach to life behind the wheel is incredibly passé. Why should we have to adjust to what other people do? It's they who should adjust to us!

 

Let's look at an example of defensive vs. offensive driving. Say you are coming down a ramp out of a hospital garage into a busy street. As you start down, another car starts up. There is no room to pass. The defensive driver would courteously back up to allow the other driver in. The offensive driver would force the other vehicle backwards into the traffic and proceed on her way. (Let us say as an aside that, if you happen to be going the same way as an ambulance with its lights flashing, you can follow it closely and really make some time.)

 

This example points up the modus operandi of the offensive driver. Your most precious commodity is time. Getting where you're going as quickly as possible is the only thing that matters. Some people might ask, is it worth risking your safety and that of others to arrive a few minutes earlier at Kmart? Of course it is! In life, the race is to the swift. And all those minutes you save by getting places more quickly add up. Who knows how many hours you may be adding to your life (though taking them off of someone else's) by becoming an offensive driver? Let's examine some offensive-driving rules of the road:

 

 

 

The maximum number of cars that can hurtle through a red light is five.

 

 

Turn signals are for people who don't have anything better to do. Let other people figure out your intentions.

 

 

Back out assertively. Do not look backwards or to the sides. You are a forward-looking person. Other people should just get out of your way.

 

The defensive driver maintains a generous distance from other vehicles. The offensive driver stays just centimeters from the bumper of the car she's following. This can become a test of nerve and skill, particularly when 17 cars are rolling along in the high-speed lane and simply breathing on your brakes could cause a multi-car collision, something that can really ruin your day. Do not pass. Instead, intimidate the other driver into getting out of the way. Flashing your lights, swerving from side to side, and beeping the horn may help. Do not use rude gestures, although it's OK for your kids to do so.

 

 

Defensive drivers seem to think that special care should be taken when sharing the road with school buses. This depends, of course, on whether your own children are riding in them. Along the same lines, you should not feel any compunctions about cutting through slow-moving funeral processions and even tailgating the hearse. As Lily Tomlin said in Nine to Five, "He's dead. He doesn't mind."

 

 

There has been a lot of high talk about the so-called dangers of cell-phone conversations while driving. Does this mean you should give up, while weaving through rush-hour traffic, discussing tomorrow's sales conference or Johnny's orthodontia? Should you perhaps pull over? Absolutely not! Talking on a cell phone while driving is no more dangerous than any other activity routinely engaged in by operators of motor vehicles, like reading a newspaper, fixing one's hair, or changing a diaper.

 

 

Offensive drivers dislike the peremptory tone of traffic signs: Yield. Speed Limit. Stop. You should always proceed directly through a yield sign, as the other driver will almost surely "chicken out." The true speed limit is, of course, as fast as you can go without getting caught. When you come to an intersection controlled by stop signs, cross immediately, even if it isn't your turn. Taking turns is for losers.

 

Defensive drivers use special care in nighttime driving. Not offensive drivers. Simply turn on your high beams and proceed just as rapidly and recklessly you would in daylight. All will be well, although you may notice a few faux pas on the part of other drivers due to temporary blindness, as well as a little roadkill along the way.

In any driving situation, stop and think: who is the most important person in this scenario? You, obviously. So put yourself and your priorities in the front seat, and drive on over the rights of other people.

 

©2002 Elaine Langlois

 

Elaine Langlois can frequently be found driving defensively, much to the annoyance of some other drivers.