On-Line Dating Tips

By Julie Hansen

 

Congratulations! You're about to enter the fun-filled world of on-line dating. Oh, how I envy you that initial rush when you discover how many sad, lonely, disturbed men are out there -- not including your ex-boyfriends; that sweet thrill of connecting with someone perfect on paper, only to be followed by the crushing blow of reality upon meeting same tragically flawed individual in the flesh; and, of course, the exhilaration of that first phone call to your local precinct.But I don't want to ruin it for you! Here are some helpful tips to enhance your experience, and one last bit of caution: Remember, crazy people have computers, too!

 

1. Picking Your Site

 

A good rule of thumb: the more activated your gag reflex, the better the site; therefore, 2heartsrus, lookingforu and luvbirds.com, will typically prove better hunting grounds than wherethehellru, sociallychallenged.net and crapshoot.com. Tastes run toward the eclectic? Sites like datemidgets, fatcity and vegansneedluv2 may be for you.

 

2. Write a Unique Profile

 

Only the dullest men will respond to profiles, like "Single, Intelligent, and Loyal Woman Seeking Same". Men like a woman who sounds fun, exciting, devil-may-care! Sprinkle in adjectives, like "Foolhardy", "Madcap", and "Indiscreet" and get ready to meet a much more interesting character! Only run of the mill hobbies to report? Set yourself apart with distinctive interests, like "tweezing brows into perfect arch", "monitoring dog's bowel movements", or "ridiculing bad pictures on dating sites". But don't spend too time on this area because 99% of the males will go straight to the.

 

3. Picture Selection

 

Pick a self-portrait that says "elusive yet available", "playful yet pensive", "passionate yet restrained"-- or just throw in your high school yearbook picture and hope for the best. Relax! Not one man will look like his actual picture so why should you?

 

4. Analyzing Your Reponses

 

Add ten percent to a man's reported age while knocking off the same amount from his height, and deduct fifty percent from his income to form a more realistic picture of Prince Charming. For example, a 50 year old man claiming to be 6'0" and making over $100,000, is 55 if he's a day, shorter than you in heels and brings home less than $50,000 from his career in balloon animals. Check his picture for the jagged outline of a woman hastily torn from his side. Look for tell tale signs of datedness or bad taste, such as disco balls, puka shells or Members Only jackets. Mentally remove the hair from his head, because chances are it has long since left the building.

 

Is his writing comprehensible and written above a third grade level? Is it in ALL CAPS - AS IF YOU'RE BEING SCREAMED AT, or in all lower case without any punctuation resembling a ransom note? Always keep the following thought in mind: "if I were a serial killer, what would I say?" Beware of off-color compliments, like "I'd like to eat jello off your back" or obvious self esteem issues, like "no one ever gets back to me", or "I really don't need to be on this site."

 

5. Meeting Your Date

 

If you insist on forging ahead, set your date in a well lit, heavily populated place, like Yankee Stadium, or a rock concert. If these are not options, any Starbucks will do (but keep in mind that employees will not respond to your screams if you order a really complicated espresso drink). Upon arriving at your designated spot (five minutes late, please!), paste a cheery smile on your face and leave it there - NO MATTER HOW HIDEOUS THE NEXT HOUR IS! Look for the saddest, loneliest fellow in the joint. He's your man! He may even bare a faint resemblance to his photo, but don't count on it.

 

Introduce yourself (first names only) and dive in! Avoid remarks like "I thought you had more hair" or "How can you play tennis with a walker?" Focus on what you have in common, like "I see you drink water, too" or "Ever had one of those sores in your mouth that you can't quit touching with your tongue?"

 

After fifty minutes of hearing how the ex-wife is poisoning the kids against him and his boss doesn't appreciate him, offer your hand and tell him you'll be in touch after you "digest" your meeting. Calmly walk toward the exit and no matter what pitiful sounds come from his direction -- DON'T LOOK BACK! Once you've escaped, run a zig-zag pattern in the opposite direction from where you live until you are certain only Indian trackers could have followed you. Proceed home to your apartment and.

 

6. Cancel Your Membership

 

Really, did you ever imagine there were this many sad sacks in the world, convinced that the only way out of the depths of their despair is to grab onto you with their one good hand and beg you to please, please not leave them?!! Certainly not! I don't know about you, but I can meet these people at Starbucks.

 

©2001 Julie Hansen All Rights Reserved

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Julie Hansen is a freelance writer and actor living (if you can call it that) in New York City. She has recently been a willing participant in an on-line matchmaking service as part of her probation program.