What Did She Say?

A Parent's Interpretation Manual for Teacher Conference

By Kelly Gibbs

 

So you just got the notice from school. Granted, it was at the absolute bottom of the book bag, torn, ragged and rancid with the remnants of last Thursday's peanut butter and jelly. But at least you found it while there's still time to make the appointment.

 

It's time to face the music now, to brace yourself for what is benignly referred to as a "Parent-Teacher

 

 

 

Conference", but will undoubtedly be 15 minutes of gut-wrenching hell. Your adorable little angel is about to be defamed and verbally stripped bare of all endearing traits by an underpaid state employee who can't "do", and therefore "teaches".

 

You must understand before entering that classroom, however, that every teacher undergoes rigorous training in interpersonal communication skills for the sole purpose of avoiding those pesky little libel suits which could unexpectedly send her on a career path to McDonald's at sometime during her tenure. Therefore, what you hear is not necessarily what the teacher actually means.

 

So, in an effort to provide you with sufficient interpretation skills for use during the conference, we offer below a selection of teacher comments from past conferences, along with their underlying truths:

 

Teacher Comment: We don't really have different reading levels in this class.

Interpretation: Your kid's in the bottom group.

 

Teacher Comment: Scott is developing a real sense of appropriate peer interaction.

Interpretation: Now he only beats up the big kids.

 

Teacher Comment: Linda is very observant and demonstrates a keen interest in the world around her.

Interpretation: Basically, she stares out the window from 9:00 to 3:30.

 

Teacher Comment: At times, Timothy doesn't use his best judgment.

Interpretation: Your child hasn't got the sense God gave a beetle.

 

Teacher Comment: Peggy has a great deal of respect for the opinions of her peers.

Interpretation: She copies off of everybody.

 

Teacher Comment: We're working to help Walter with his organizational skills.

Interpretation: If he spent the next 4 hours cleaning out his desk, he might be able to achieve results similar to those of Hurricane Irene.

 

Teacher Comment: Perhaps it's time to encourage Loretta to assume more personal responsibilities.

Interpretation: Since she's in the eighth grade now, I think you can start letting her tie her own shoes.

 

Teacher Comment: I knew you'd want to discuss this problem with George at home.

Interpretation: It's about time you took an interest in his behavior – he just shot the vice principal.

 

Teacher Comment: Richard's classmates tend to avoid choosing him as a companion.

Interpretation: Richard stinks.

 

Teacher Comment: Jane's oral communication skills are progressing even more quickly than anticipated.

Interpretation: The kid never shuts her mouth.

 

Teacher Comment: Wilber's avid interest in science sometimes overpowers his perspective.

Interpretation: He's been really unbearable since I told him he can't keep the iguana in his locker.

 

Teacher Comment: Wanda is a very creative child.

Interpretation: Are you aware that she claims last night's homework paper was confiscated in an FBI drug bust at your home?

 

Teacher Comment: I loved Sheila's thoughtful Christmas gift – it's so unique.

Interpretation: Yeah – I wonder why nobody else ever thought of giving me fluorescent salt and pepper shakers.

 

Teacher Comment: I think you should work with Richard to help him develop good personal health habits.

Interpretation: He STILL stinks.

 

Teacher Comment: Stanley has an unusual gift for solving mechanical and special problems.

Interpretation: We still haven't figured out how he got his scissors behind the fan to the air conditioner motor.

 

Teacher Comment: I really appreciate the amount of time you manage to devote to helping us with the children.

Interpretation: Who the hell does the laundry at your house, anyway?

 

Teacher Comment: Stephanie has an uncanny knack for locating missing items.

Interpretation: She'll rob us all blind.

 

Teacher Comment: Johnny is extremely artistic.

Interpretation: He draws on every surface we put him near – his desk, his chair, the wall, Mary Beth's ankle…

 

Teacher Comment: I'm so proud of the improvement in Theresa's handwriting.

Interpretation: Yesterday I actually deciphered 4 words on her reading paper.

 

Teacher Comment: Maybe what Anthony needs is just a little of Mom's good old TLC.

Interpretation: I know you have a bowling tournament this morning, but you might be able to bring his temperature down from 104 if you'd consider taking him home.

 

Teacher Comment: Tricia will go far because she has such a pleasant personality.

Interpretation: Yeah. And let's hope she develops a bust that surpasses her IQ score, because she's going to need more than her smile to get by.

 

Teacher Comment: Mr. Benevito tells me that physical education is really Brian's forte.

Interpretation: This kid can't read, write his name or add 2 + 2. But, God – can he shoot baskets!

 

Teacher Comment: Would you consider serving as our Room Mother this year?

Interpretation: Are you certifiably insane?

 

Teacher Comment: I hope you will take an active role in Richard's continuing program of personal hygiene.

Interpretation: Hose the kid down once a week, will you?

 

Teacher Comment: Perhaps you'd feel more comfortable if you looked into alternate placement for James.

Interpretation: If you leave right now, you might just be able to get him into another school before I have time to warn every principal this side of the Mississippi.

 

Armed with this handy-dandy interpretation tool, you can now stride confidently into any parent-teacher conference with the empowering knowledge that Miss Know-it-all will no longer have the upper hand. And, since two can play at this game, may we suggest the following exit line?

PARENT Comment: It's just too bad that (Insert name of your child here) won't be able to have you for a teacher forever!

Interpretation: Are you aware that there was a witness to your erotic tryst with the guidance counselor in the furnace room during the Spring Book Fair?

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kelly Gibbs began as an educator in Baltimore, focusing on English and curriculum writing during her 32-year career. Currently in Flagstaff, Arizona, Gibbs operates Eagle Eyes, a proofreading/editing business and freelances for print and online media. She holds an M.Ed. from Johns Hopkins.

Having commissioned scores of personalized poems for special occasions over the years, Gibbs begrudgingly admits to a penchant for "Dr. Seussian jingles". Roles still unaddressed on her bucket list are stand-up comic, country band vocalist, and Monterey tour guide – not necessarily in that order. With her husband, a flight instructor, she enjoys long travel weekends.

 

© 2013 Kelly Gibbs