Peacekeeping With Style!

 

By Diane Sokoloski

 

Military women and other feminine fighting machines need not fret any longer. By following a few simple fashion rules, it is possible to kick the enemy's behind and look good at the same time.

 

Any bracelet or earrings worn on the battlefield must co-ordinate with the metal of your weapon. Gold earrings that clash with the silver metal of your bayonet blade or machine gun shells, will be a fashion disaster on the fighting field you may never live down- if you live at all!

 

On the day of a major assault make sure you give yourself a relaxing facial. We suggest a mud facial as there will be plenty of it around. The mud in trenches is of the highest quality and is known to contain large quantities of ureic acid. To discuss the reasons for this would not be in good taste at the present time.

 

While in a trench waiting for the call to go over the top, you may have time to capture some of this precious trench mud in a container. Stick the well labeled container between the sand bags and use your lipstick to highlight that area of the trench. Lots of the fellows leave notes and pictures stuck in the sand bags with knives, so there should not be a problem. Above all, avoid being captured by the enemy- your complexion depends on it!

 

Before putting on the uniform make sure your thong and bustier are military green camouflage colour. Military superiors will be sure to take note of your thorough efforts to co-ordinate with the foliage. One important note- a corset would significantly hinder your movement during front line action so save it for after battle parties.

 

Shoes are a problem. If the military could only allow a tasteful bronze or silver (remember the metal co-ordination) open toed sandal or pump, many a happy soldier there would be. Alas, the military insists on those drab standard black steel toed boots. If the boots must be steel toed, why not surprise everyone and spray paint the whole platoon's boots a playful bubble gum pink or a cheerful poppy red. If you feel a little retro-60s, go for fluorescent orange! The guys will love it.

 

If coloured boots are impossible, at least make sure your boots are polished to a high sheen and liberally coated with waterproof glitter. That should make the sergeant stand up and notice your sparkle of life.

 

The helmet is rather heavy and may throw your posture off. I'm sure you'll agree that too much green needs to be broken up with a bit of eye catching colour. Think about tucking some peach roses or leftover berries in amongst the fronds of camouflage helmet leaves.

 

There is nothing preventing you from occasionally removing the helmet and tossing your hair about. Wait until after the main fighting is over to vigorously display your locks, as this act could prove fatal. During the heat of battle your comrades will be distracted as they lob their grenades and hoist their wounded friends to safety. No sense in wasting your organic, mango hair gel with ultraviolet glitter protection if no one is noticing!

 

After application of the military issue camouflage make-up, which is unfortunately not hypo-allergenic, remember to dust a bit of face sparkle (of course) across your nose and cheekbone area. Lips should be done in a muted, subtle tone preferably with a sun screen- canteen green, khaki brown, or gunpowder gray are sensible choices.

 

Every military glamour girl needs to bring a sack of potpourri. Tuck a sprig into the end of your weapon, or simply weave it around the clips of machine gun shells as the fellows are feeding them into the slot. They will marvel at your ability to remain calm in the heat of battle. I can just hear the barrage of complimentary comments that will flow your way after the potpourri moment. If you hear the sound of WHIZZ followed quickly by BANG, it merely means bombs are dropping fairly close to your location. Gather up your bubble mat and IKEA ammo basket (FREEKEN only $4.95) and quickly move to a new spot. All eyes may be upon you, so remember your posture- shoulders back, chest out and head up. They'll be none of that silly shuffling and weaving low to the ground while you're around!

 

 

 

Tank attacks deserve special mention. Although the outrageously high heat inside the tank is excellent for a good pore cleansing, insist that you be allowed to position yourself on the outside of the tank as it rolls through towns. Strike a sexy I'm in charge kind of pose and be ever so mindful of the kickback as the guns are firing. I'm sure you'll find a use for that giant, decorative crepe paper sunflower that you've been lugging around. Try to let the spattering mud land on your face- no use in wasting a good mud spray. Make a statement no matter which dank, stifling, life-threatening, hellish place you are in. Glow soldier girl, Glow!

 

 

©2004 Diane Sokoloski

 

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

 

Diane Sokoloski earned a BA in music and BEd as an Artist in the Community. She has performed in children's theatre, political theatre, musical theatre, puppet shows, stand-up comedy and yes- as a street busker. Diane had brief experiences as a police officer and a high school teacher but her psychiatrist advises against talking about it.

 

Diane's writing credits include numerous magazines, newspapers and her humorous erotica can be read online in Toronto's NOW magazine. She contributes regularly to The National Post's satirical column- Post Mortem.

 

Diane is working on a children's book based on a true story about a skink who travelled across North America in a lunch box.