2,984 Couples Reveal the Secrets of Lasting Relationships

 

By Elizabeth Hanes

 

In our unceasing quest to bring you the news you need to live your life in a more fulfilling, Oprah-like manner, we recently polled nearly three thousand North American couples to find out what makes relationships work. OK, maybe "polled" is too strong a word. Actually, a group of us sat around the office late at night, sipping vodka gimlets and randomly dialing telephone numbers. But the results were astounding! Take a look.

 

99% of men said "mediocre or better" sex, or having sex at least 8 times a week (regardless of quality), was the key factor that kept them committed to a woman. (1% of the respondents did not speak English or French and, hence, could not understand the question.)

 

55% of women said "signing a prenuptial agreement" was the most important factor in maintaining a committed relationship

 

78% of married women cited "having my feelings and opinions heard and considered" by their mate as the most important factor in a relationship

 

86% of married men said "pretending to listen and care about her feelings" was the most important factor in getting sex from their mate

 

43% of men felt having their wife or girlfriend "dress up as Anne Robinson" for sex would help keep them satisfied

 

89% of women claimed not to know who Anne Robinson is and sobbed over why their husband or boyfriend had to fantasize about someone besides them

 

94% of men felt a woman's "inability to control her emotions" made them want to "pull back" from a relationship

 

97% of women felt "all men are too immature to have a fulfilling relationship"

 

72% of men said "that's it, I'm going to the bar, and now I suppose you'll be calling your mother"

 

99% of women then "called their mothers"

 

96% of men stayed overnight with "friends"

 

93% of women threw their mate's belongings "out on the front lawn for him to come and get"

 

67% of men's buddies urged their friend to "reconsider leaving the cash cow"

 

98% of women were willing to make the first "conciliatory phone call"

 

92% of men moved back in, promising "never to leave the toilet seat up"

 

100% of women agreed the "toilet seat issue" was the most difficult aspect to negotiate in a relationship

We hope you're able to put these statistics to good use in your relationship. Remember, numbers never lie, and nothing's more normal than average.

 

©Elizabeth Hanes