Happy Woman Magazinerhojdaycare

Est. 2000 (A.D.)

Real Housewives of New Jersey Daycare Center

By Melissa Larson

Set in the gaudiest house that an overdue mortgage can buy, the RHONJ Daycare Center is open for business! Not only do we boast a ratio of ten cameramen for every child, but we also center our curriculum around true RHONJ-born values. Here is our daily schedule for the coming year.

7:00 – 8:00: Sing-along hour with Melissa! Learn how to use auto-tune and lip-sync with your own bevy of hired back-up dancers. Advanced students will learn how to find a husband who will build you a studio, buy you an independent record label, and purchase your crappy songs countless times on iTunes!

8:00 – 9:00: Face-painting with Jacqueline! Learn how to apply all of the makeup in your mama's bag until you look like an understudy for Cabaret. Teresa, Kathy, and Melissa are all qualified substitute teachers for this hour should Teresa be absent.

9:00 – 10:00: Morning recess with Caroline! Remember: you may be small, but you can still be scrappy! You and your classmates will practice insulting each other on the playground. Learn when to call someone a disgrace, a clown, or garbage.

10:00 – 11:00: Sibling values hour with Teresa and her brother Joe! Practice stabbing your sibling in the back, making invidious comments about him or her on national television, and detesting any future spouse that dare come along. "Only" children get to play with Kathy's nice teenagers during this hour.

11:00 – 12:00: Speech class with Teresa! Become a maven of malapropisms! Learn to say summer sol-is-stist, Hekyll and Jyde, and ingredientses before you create your own! Grammar lessons include verb tenses (She hurted me and Dat plant is gettin' drownded), the correct usage of yous, and many more! Once you require subtitles in order for others to understand you, you will be ready for the next class: "The Art of Vile Profanity" with Joe Giudice.

12:00 – 1:00: Liquid lunch with Jacqueline! Bring your own sippy cup of Sutter Home!

1:00 – 2:00: Art therapy with Joe Giudice! Make your own collage of all the obscenities that Daddy says in front of you.

2:00 – 3:00: The art of damage control with all of the housewives' kids! Learn how to handle your peers when Mommy is in the tabloids. Yes, you can choose which kid(s) to take your advice from.

3:00 – 4:00: Puppet show with Melissa! We know it's awkward when Mommy does her slutty photo shoots in front of you. Observe proper etiquette for how you should behave on set.

4:00 – 5:00: For ages 10 and up – Eye-rolling with Kathy! Learn from the best. If you're lucky, Kathy may also teach other passive-aggressive behaviors! (Just sayin'.) For ages 9 and under: Story time with Teresa! She will be sticking with the Dick and Jane books, and she will need the entire hour to get through one.

5:00 – 6:00: Weekly seminars for parents!

Topics include: "How to pimp out your kids" with Teresa.

Self-quiz from Jacqueline – "Are you the same maturity level as your twenty year old? How to talk like a teenager and maintain arrested development."

"How to convince the whole world that you have sex with your husband every day, even if his arms make him look like a tyrannosaurus rex" with Melissa and Teresa.

"How to justify calling your daughter fat on national television and then convince the world you're still a sage" with Caroline.

"Personal finance" with the Giudices (Purchase of one of Teresa's cookbooks is a requisite of this seminar).

For talentless entrepreneurs looking to get rich quick, the Wives are available for one-on-one consultations, for which there is an added fee.

Call us today for a free visit to our Center! Please ignore the foreclosure notice on the front door; those bank people can be so pesky.

Melissa Larson, a native of North Jersey, spends more time analyzing RHONJ than she would like to admit.