What You Must Know Before You Even Think About Getting a Pet Slug

 

By Jane Wangersky

 

 

So your kids are nagging you for a pet slug, or maybe your significant other keeps reminiscing about the slug who was his best friend in elementary school, or maybe you've felt the urge yourself - that longing for a tiny, slimy companion animal with no visible features. And you're about to cave in and get one. After all, they're cute, they're fun, and they're not much work, are they?

 

Wrong.

 

The National Slug Rescue Squad Society intervenes daily in heart-rending cases where slug owners have realized they're in over their heads with the adorable pets they picked up on an impulse. A small fraction behaves responsibly, giving the slugs into the care of the NSRSS or otherwise finding loving homes for them.

 

Most, however, just let the slugs loose in the backyard. What happens next is never pretty, as feral slugs are at the mercy of predators, cars, and the dreaded beer traps set by over-zealous gardeners. Before you even think about adopting one of these precious creatures, think about how it must feel to be a slug passing out in a saucer of beer.

Here are some other cold, hard realities to think about:

 

Slugs require a special habitat - a fair-sized, rigid plastic container with several air holes punched in the lid. Too few, and the slug dies a horrible death. Too many, and it escapes into deadly danger. What's the right number of air holes? Only you, the slug owner, can answer that.

 

 

A dry slug is a dead slug. Are you ready to supply enough bottled water to keep your slug alive?

 

 

Slugs eat a restricted diet. Anything but meat and vegetable matter is out. Maybe your kids can live for weeks at a time on candy bars and energy drinks, but inflicting this diet on a slug is animal cruelty.

 

 

Slugs are monoecious. This means they show traits of both genders, and are thus extremely vulnerable to identity crisis. Psychiatric veterinary care may be necessary.

 

 

 

Still got your heart set on adopting a slug? Do yourself and it a favor by taking the NSRSS' 13-week slug care course at your local adult education facility, if possible. If not - forget the slugs and get a low-maintenance pet, like a cat.

 

© 2009 Jane Wangersky

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

 

Jane Wangersky writes about slugs, the English language, and anything else she thinks people might sit still for. Since winning a local award for a short story that was really just a page of unworkable word problems, she has been busy pushing her luck.