Wardrobe Essentials!

 

By Kathy Ewing

 

 

 

Finally, the answer to all of life's problems—the top ten essential items for every woman's wardrobe. These functional and versatile choices guarantee you'll look perfect at every

 

 

event, from court appearances to tractor pulls. Gazing inside your closet fosters warm feelings and eliminates the need for anti-depressants or medications of any kind. This apparel will also make you enchanting to the opposite sex (or the same sex, if that's your preference).

 

 

 

Strappy black heels, at least seven inches high, perfect for dressy events, emphasize that erotically clenched calf muscle and cause you to teeter sexily, like an unbalanced geisha. The more straps, the more strappy! Nothing screams "s & m" more loudly. Aggressive suitors will be at your feet, literally.

 

 

 

Non-strappy black ballet slippers say, "I'm an alluring school girl," for those occasions when you're striving to resemble an alluring school girl. These versatile items can be dressed up with fishnet stockings or dressed down with your son's white sweat socks. Eccentric suitors will be staring at your feet.

 

 

 

Designer jeans are an investment worth making for their smooth fit and sophisticated look. They can be dressed down with a baggy t-shirt for your Wal-Mart shopping trip and dressed up for evening with a gold tiara and your strappy black heels. Try on boot cut, straight leg, boy cut, trouser jeans, wide-leg, skinny, super-skinny, flare, high-rise, low-rise, ultra-low-rise, and ultra-medium-low-rise. Two of each is your best bet, so you'll have a spare when one is at the dry cleaners, because you never want to wash your designer blue jeans. Toss out your "mom jeans," because no man will ever give you a second glance in mom jeans. Everyone will laugh at you if you wear mom jeans.

 

 

 

You'll also need at least two lengths of each jean type—longer pairs to wear with your strappy black heels and shorter ones for your non-strappy black ballet slippers. Plan on investing at least $4000 in essential blue jeans.

 

 

 

The basic trench coat can be dressed up with a mink wrap for evening or dressed down with rubber boots for mowing the lawn or mucking out the horses' stalls. Start with versatile khaki, and branch out into chartreuse and mauve for varied outfits. Best to acquire belted and unbelted versions, for your skinny days and fat days, and a long and short version of each, since you'll want one to wear with your non-strappy flat black ballet slippers and another to wear with your strappy black heels. Pin a trench coat to the waist of your designer jeans as a train for formal events.

 

 

 

The little black dress can be dressed up for a night on the town or dressed down for an afternoon of dumpster diving. This classic comes in a variety of necklines: v-neck, scoop neck, bateau neck, no-neck, turtle-neck, mock turtle, draped neck, square neck, sweetheart neck, plunging, and square neck. Stylists recommend at least four LBD's in each style and every length to be sure you can suit the dress to the occasion and to your favorite accessories. Choose the appropriate length to suit your non-strappy flat black ballet slippers and your strappy black heels. The LBD transforms you into the exact image of SJP (Sarah Jessica Parker).

 

 

 

A cardigan sweater can be worn thousands of ways, including draped around your shoulders, balanced on top of your head, or wrapped loosely around your ankles. Depending on the rest of the outfit—orange leggings, flannel pajama bottoms, or wedding dress—it can be dressed up or down, depending on your fashion needs. A black cardigan will match your non-strappy flat black ballet slippers and your strappy black heels, but to avoid being too matchy-matchy, add lime green, sunny yellow, and mauve cardigans to your closet. Dr. Oz says these bright colors raise your melatonin levels for even more happiness and cites scientific studies showing that bright-colored cardigans captivate men.

 

 

 

The snakeskin clutch makes you the ultimate fashionista. None of your friends is likely to own this absolute wardrobe essential. Carry it to the PTA meeting with your non-mom jeans or pair it with your sexiest LBD and strappy black heels. It doesn't hold much, but it's expensive! The snakeskin clutch attracts men like flies.

 

 

 

Knit leggings flatter even full-bodied gals, the more form-fitting the better, especially when paired with a skimpy cardigan and a hot-pink tank top. Dress these sexy items up with your strappy black heels. Dress them down with your mom's Birkenstocks.

 

 

 

The crisp white blouse complements ball gowns, poodle skirts, and ten-gallon hats. It can be dressed up with Cartier earrings and dressed down under a bright holiday K-Mart sweatshirt. The crisp white blouse goes with any footwear choice, including strappy black heels, as well as non-strappy flat black ballet slippers. Men can't resist a crisp white blouse. Toss out your soggy white blouses.

 

 

 

A denim jeans jumper always looks elegant and put-together. A colorfully embroidered floral motif attracts attention, both from bees and heterosexual male humans. Dress up your jumper with non-strappy flat black ballet slippers and pink anklets. Accessorize with a nifty straw hat for summer and a fur hat with ear flaps for winter! Nothing says, "I'm a public school librarian," like this chic vintage item.

 

 

 

There you have it—all you need to mix and match. Look for our next installment: A Thousand Absolutely Necessary Accessories to Complement Your Wardrobe Essentials.

 

 

 

© 2012 Kathy Ewing

 

 

 

ABOUT KATHY EWING

 

 

I've lived in Cleveland Heights, Ohio, for almost thirty years, in a house my son refers to as "your starter home." I teach Latin at Cleveland State University and a seminar on alternative education at Case Western Reserve University. I grew up in Canton, Ohio, the youngest of three girls. I graduated from Kent State University, with an M.A. in English in 1976. I have taught in preschools, middle schools, high schools, and colleges. My writing has been published in the Cleveland Plain Dealer, Northern Ohio Live, The Cleveland Edition, Cleveland Magazine, Case Magazine, John Carroll Magazine, Growing Without Schooling, The Bark, and The Book Group Book, among others. I frequently reviews books for the Plain Dealer, and my fiction has appeared at fullofcrow.com and her poetry in The Delinquent #15.