What's In Your Stars for the New Year

 

By Sharon Grehan-Howes

 

Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18) Exciting new career opportunities abound. Do not celebrate your new position by getting drunk, especially before the interview. Avoid tanning salons as you are six weeks away from looking like a baseball mitt.

 

Pisces (2/19 - 3/20) Rumours surround your place of work. The situation is made worse when people discover you were the one who started them. Avoid stencils.

 

Aries (3/21 - 4/19) Stay as close to home as possible. Although you are generally regarded as charming and a "free spirit" this year you will be viewed as a nut. Also, the instructions on the shampoo bottle are guidelines only.

 

Taurus (4/20 - 5/20) This will be the best year of your life. You will find love, adventure romance and win a great deal of money. Make sure to enjoy every moment as 2016 will find you living under a bridge.

 

Gemini (5/21 - 6/20) You will defrost your fridge on the 18th of January creating many exciting new opportuneness for food storage. You will start to look at the number five in a whole new light.

 

Cancer (6/21 - 7/22) You think you've found the key to happiness but getting highlights in your hair will not will not make up for your many character flaws. And remember, as a general rule subway token booths are not the place to practice your haggling skills.

 

Leo (7/23 - 8/22) Cumin has been around for a while you did not discover it so shut up. Black will make you look fat.

 

Virgo (8/23 - 9/22) This year you will be guilty of very poor judgment. Although you have always dreamed of having a sunken living room, please show some consideration to the people in the apartment below. And yes, your head will fit between the railings of your balcony.

 

Libra (9/23 - 10/22) You will get into an argument at the beginning of the new year and you will be 100% wrong. Please remember that clapping your hands over your ears while yelling "Bee Bi Biddy Bum Bum" is not considered a graceful retreat. Blue is not your colour and crosswalks are there for a reason.

 

Scorpio (10/23 - 11/21) Nothing. Sorry.

 

Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21) You will make many exciting discoveries this year so be sure to wear rubber soles . Peer pressure plays a big part as you purchase 4 pairs of espadrilles even though your ankles start somewhere between your thighs and your toes.

 

Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19) You will welcome any diversion this year. Keep in mind however that the UPS man has little interest in your spoon collection and that telephone operators rarely appreciate hearing "guess".