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Libby: I got to ask you right off the bat, Now, you've had a pretty good career up until now, I mean, here you are woman of average talent, average looks, some days you look pretty good some days you look like a squirrel, but overall not too bad; what made you decide to blow it? Are the kids on drugs? Is Frank slipping the salami to another chippie? Why on earth would you throw everything away?
Kathie: I don't consider what I'm doing now throwing it away. I've got my new CD coming out Born for You available, at On the Lamb records and at all Walmart stores...
Libby: No seriously, what do you plan to do now?
Kathie: I am serious. I want to concentrate on my singing and acting.
Libby: Are you hoping the Heehaw Honey's will return to TV? Are they remaking Name that Tune?
Kathie: No, I'm considering returning to Broadway; my last production Putting it Together by Sondheim got rave reviews...
Libby: Do you consider "Kathie Lee isn't as bad as you'd think she'd be" a rave review?
Kathy: I love what I do. I am only making use of my God-given gifts this is my way of showing that I appreciate what He has bestowed upon me.
Libby: Couldn't you just have a bake sale? Now I'm curious, how do you spend the average day?
Kathy: Well my only truly private time is in the morning. I get up make a cup of coffee, go out on the deck of my beloved house and enjoy the sunset. At night Frank, Cody and Cassidy join me to watch the equally breathtaking sunsets. We celebrate this with applause.
Libby: Are you kidding me?
Kathy: Sometimes Cassidy says "Mommy can we do Hosanna's" and I jump in wholeheartedly to join her and Cody and we march around the deck doing our hosannas. They are learning from their earliest days that God loves them and has a plan for their lives. The joy of the Lord is their strength too."
Libby: O.K. Kath, I'm a straight-shooter so I'll tell it like it is. Do you know that kind of talk makes you sound insane?
I don't even want to get into the kids names, did you think you were getting ponies? But the sweetness is making my teeth rot. The Christian thing is fine although I will say with a maiden name like Epstein it's a little hard to buy, and I'm just as holy as any celebrity interviewer... but Jesus!!
Take my advice honey, stay with Regis, he's a big star, although I have to give you some credit, you've been on the show all these years and no one has shot you, that's saying something.
My suggestion to you, is maybe get into a fist fight at a bistro or snort a little white stuff on the subway. Dirty up your image a bit maybe people won't get so nauseous, cheat on Frank, star in a porno, anything to get the stench of goodness of you.
Kathie: I find this unnecessary and offensive.
Libby: Honey, I'm telling you like it is. You're a nice girl, if you love your kids and that geezer so much, stay home make cookies do hip-hop or whatever the hell that thing is you do on the deck, and let someone else have a shot at the brass ring.
Well, I'm glad I got that off my chest, oh! One other question before we end this, HW is notoriously short staffed--can you give me your contact in Honduras?
Please Note: This is a parody of a magazine, so don't come crying to us if someone accidentally took out your liver or you starved to death on our diet. The interviews are not real and the interviewers are not real.
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