PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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Libby Interviews the man who analyzes James Gandolfini's trash

Message from Libby:

Libby: We telephoned Mr. Gandolfini and his people several times and they wouldn't even return our calls. One time I'm sure it was him that answered but he put on a fake Chinese accent. What is it with celebs these days? In the old days stars were trotted out like show ponies. They answered questions, they got their pictures taken and they loved it whether they like it or not. So instead we are happy to have a borough reknowned Trash Analyst Norton Jameson. He has been studying Mr. Gandlolfini for over three years now and hopefully he will give us some insight into the man.

Libby: Welcome,how did you get started in Trash Analysis?

Norton:I worked with a psychiatrist for over 12 years. One evening as I was emptying his trash I happened across an empty package of gum and a full pack of cigarettes. I idly thought to myself "Oh, Dr. Gruenwald is trying to stop smoking." It was then that I realized that all you need to know about a person lies at the bottom of a garbage can.

Libby: That is fascinating and I'd love to ask you more questions but my readers don't care about you so let's get to Mr. Gandolfini.

Norton: Using trash I evaluate the following risk-taking, impulsiveness, expressiveness, self esteem and a few other things that I can't pronounce the names of.

As far as Mr. Gandolfini goes in the category of risk taking: Mr. Gandolfini is at the low end of the scale. Certainly he displays an element of risk with deep-fried mozzarrella and a container of yogurt purchased after it's sell-by date, but by the same token I discovered chili seeds, apple peels and large quantities of dental floss which using my checks and balances system cancels out the mozzarrella and the sour cream.

I think that Mr. Gandolfini should try to deal with the frustrating or humiliating episodes in the past that led to his emotional cocooning. People who rate low on my risk-taking scale tend to feel self-conscious and anxious in social situations. They worry about how they will appear to other people and are frightened of embarrassing themselves, scared of appearing gauche or unintelligent. The decaf coffee grounds also backed this up.

Interestingly enough, while he rates low on the risk taking scale he rates very high on the impulsive scale. Impulsive people tend act on the spur of the moment. They tend to make decisions without thinking things through. They have a tendency to get into debt and fall out of moving vehicles. Mr. Gandolfini rates very high on the scale.

An example: shopping bags neatly folded and placed one inside of the other. One would think the subject was hoarding or saving the bags for another purpose, but has you can clearly see once the first bag (the primary bag) is full of used bags instead of reusing the bags as one would anticipate, Mr. Gandolfini simply threw all of them out.

Libby: So how does that make him impulsive? It must take a week to collect that many bags.

Norton: Yes, exactly. Collect bags for a week- all the time trouble and effort. Yet in a single impulsive gesture Mr. Gandolfini throws the bags out. To me that is very impulsive. It verges on madcap.

Another example: A "Teach Yourself French in Four Days" book and a a Ronco Door Saver also reveal this impulsive side - especially the latter as a less impulsive person would see that is is nothing more than an air mattress suspended on a rope.

Mr. Gandolfini should really try to curb this area of his personality especially as his profession is an unpredictable one. One would hate to think of this fine actor years from now living in a lean-to with unopened Flo-bees and cans of spray-on hair surrounding him. If I could give him any advice I would suggest to him before he picks up the telephone to ask himself this question: "do I really need to dehydrate my vegetables?"

Not surprisingly because he is by profession an entertainer, Mr. Gandolfini scored high on expressiveness. A CD of Leo Sayer: Greatest Hits" and a CD player that appears to have been smashed with a baseball bat. Newspaper rolled up into a tube - usually a sign of hostility but my belief is that it was one of irriation as there was some fly residue, all back up what we already know.

The most worrisome area for me was in the self-esteem category. Jame scored very, very low. My records from the week of April 30th well, it's hard to look at it without weeping.

The thirty four Dove Bar wrappers, 6 packs of Snackin' Grahams next to 14 Nutrigrain bars and three Lean Cuisine's. The Grecian Formula, the Colgate Whitener, The Classic Gold Bond Triple Action Powder in the Extra Strength Formula, the Breath Assure, the Erase, the store brand toilet paper...sorry I'll need a moment.

Libby: Take your time.

OK that should do it I've got a pedicure booked.

Norton: And then of course there he appears to be going through a problem with sexual identity. Pantyhose, empty lip stick tubes...

Libby: Isn't there a chance that all this garbage doesn't belong to him?

Norton: No.

Libby: Why not? He's married isn't he?

Norton: Well the toss factor, a forensic method similar to blood patterning gives every indication that Mr. Gandolfini was the sole thrower and secondly Marcy Gandolfini is not famous so I why would I analyze her trash. That would be stupid.

Libby: Yes that's true. Any predictions for Mr. Gandolfini?

Norton: Well I'd say he will probably continue to got to work, come home and watch television and die at age 57 if he doesn't get a little more fiber.

Libby: Thank you perhaps you could come back again some time - who do you plan on analyzing next?

Norton: It all depends on the route the city gives me but I'm praying for Brentwood.