PUBLISHED MONTHLY
EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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RANDOM ACTS OF MALICE

Holidays are a stressful time. In order to keep that happy smile pasted to your mug you need an outlet!

Try one or two of these tips throughout the holidays and you are guaranteed to feel a whole lot better!

Make it your business to not only tell children there isn't a Santa Claus but to express doubt as to whether there was even a Virginia.

As your family digs into the Christmas feast tell them there's a prize for anyone who finds your partial plate.

Ask the greeters at Walmart where they know you from.

Put a five dollar bill in the Salvation Army collection box and ask for $4.90 in change. Be specific. (i.e. 25 dimes, three nickels....)

If you are having vegetarians over to dinner add meat to the Ratatouille.

Remove the labels from all the Christmas presents, and if you have time, from all your canned goods.

When going through the department store checkout, ask the checkout person how much each item is just before they ring it through, then ask then how much that works out to per ounce.

At the same checkout, present coupons after the bill has been totaled. Make sure the coupons are unrelated to anything you purchased.

At the office party, introduce your spouse as your first husband.

Whistle "Mademoiselle from Armentieres" softly during the Christmas service.

Tell the kids Santa got electrocuted by a satellite, then murmur sadly "If only Daddy hadn't used his cell phone ".

Ask people what their dream Christmas gift would be. Ask them to give you product codes, model numbers and info on where the gift can be purchased. Then give them socks.

On Christmas eve, tell your kids that Santa wasn't fooling around with that "Better watch out" business.

Spike the egg nog at children's Christmas parties.

If someone asks you what you've been "up to" tell them. Start with the day after college.

Don't invite spouses to the holiday meal.

Read the sports page out loud during the Christmas Meal.

Buy self-help books such as "Managing Psychosis" or "Dealing With Dementia" and give them to your in-laws for Christmas.

When visiting during the holiday season keep asking "what's that funny smell?"

Butt in line, any line.

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